I had a baby called Amanda Jane in 1964 and my parents made me give her up.
She was born on May 8 and I have never got over being separated from her. I think of her all the time, wondering where she is and mostly if she’s happy.
I have been in contact with the mental health charity Mind and they’ve helped me a lot.
I haven’t told anyone about Amanda, not even my children. In my family you never talk about what happened in the past.
I should have looked for Amanda before, but I didn’t want my parents to have anything to do with her – they didn’t deserve that.
Now they are dead, so I’m free, which I know sounds terrible, but that’s how I feel.
When I was only 10 I was abused by a man and never told my parents because I thought I’d be sent to a home.
My father was a very angry man and I just couldn’t risk it. But it’s ruined my life.
When I was 60, my mother asked me why I was so angry and I wrote to her because I couldn’t say it face to face, and I told her what happened.
But, even then, I didn’t say, “What do you expect? I’m so angry because I was made to give up my daughter”.
I have tried adoption agencies, but none have details of Amanda trying to find me.
I don’t want to die before I have the chance to speak to her. I’m 71 now and every day gets harder.
What is sad reading your letter is that you’re carrying guilt from all those years ago.
I wish you could stop being so hard on yourself – you were just 16 when you gave birth to your daughter and you had your decision taken away from you by your parents.
If you haven’t already, then sign up to The Adoption Contact Register (you’ll find info at gov.uk). However, it’s not a tracing service and you’ll only be able to find Amanda if she’s added herself to the register.
It might sound a bit showbiz, but you could contact shows like Long Lost Family and Jeremy Kyle, and also use social media to put out requests for information.
You never know, someone who knows your daughter, who’ll be about 55 now, might read this letter.
I also think you should consider telling your children and other family members because they can help you and share your burden.
Younger members of the family, especially, will be very social media savvy.
But a word of caution – keep in mind that Amanda might not want to be found, in which case agencies won’t be able to pass on her information.
Or to this day she might not know she was adopted.
However, I really believe that telling your loved ones what you’ve been through will help.
You have nothing to be ashamed of.
Source: Read Full Article