Nikki Bella and John Cena may have reunited, but it’s not all re-engaged bliss for the couple.

In Sunday night’s episode of Total Bellas, Bella admitted that she still has some hesitation about her relationship — despite Cena, 41, changing his mind about having kids.

Just weeks before her scheduled wedding, Bella, 34, said she felt like a “hot mess.”

“I’m all sorts of messed up,” she said. “It’s like a hot mess over here.”

The Dancing with the Stars alum recognized that she had sacrificed too much of herself for the sake of her relationship. Bella said she was afraid she would lose her sense of individuality and self-identity after marrying Cena.

“I want him to live the life he wants and I think that’s why I’ve always sacrificed for him,” she confessed. “I love taking care of people, but I think I’m so over-pleasing.”

She continued: “I think it makes me feel like I’m going to be forever a wife, someone’s wife. Like, I’m not going to be Nicole or Nikki.”

Bellas’ concerns left her once again questioning her upcoming wedding.

“Some of me is like, ‘Why did I want marriage so bad? Why am I even doing this?’” she said. “Because I don’t know how much longer I can go without actually having a big meltdown.”

After calling off their engagement in April, just three weeks before their May 5 wedding date, PEOPLE confirmed earlier this month the couple is back together. Sources previously told PEOPLE that her decision to call it quits was due to their differing stances on marriage and having kids.

Earlier this month, Cena also publicly confirmed that after years of insisting he had no desire to start a family, he’d had a change of heart, and vowed to get his vasectomy reversed.

Total Bellas airs Sundays (9 p.m. ET) on E!

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