Dear Coleen

My wife and I are very much in love, but we just don’t have sex any more and neither of us really knows what to do about it. We’ve been married for eight years, have twin sons aged five and have only had sex a few times in the last two years.

We both work full-time, so life is busy and full-on, and even though we’re really great mates and enjoy each other’s company, we spend our evenings having a glass of wine watching a box-set. By the time we get to bed we’re too tired for sex. Weekends follow a similar pattern.

My wife feels that we should see a counsellor to find out how we can improve things, but I don’t want to do this. I think it’s a waste of money and that the problem – if you can call it that – will just resolve itself if we give it a little time.

We both fancy each other and would like to have more sex, but it’s almost become something embarrassing that we just can’t seem to do any more.

What do you advise?

Coleen says

I’m sorry, but I always find it funny how men seem so terrified of going to see a counsellor when something is clearly wrong. It’s like their fear of going to see a doctor, which many blokes also put off in the hope that whatever issue they have will somehow magically disappear on its own.

But, believe me, going to see a counsellor is not as bad as you think. It’s actually really cathartic and it’s nice being able to talk about things in a really calm setting where you’ll be listened to.

You can be as open or as quiet as you like – there’s really no pressure. So as your wife has suggested counselling, I think you should give it a go.

I’m sorry, but this issue isn’t going to just resolve itself. And if anything, it could become a bigger problem which would be really sad because it sounds like you’re madly in love with each other.

However, if you’re absolutely against going to see a counsellor, then why not set aside one night a week when you go out for dinner or to the cinema, or book in a weekend away every once in a while?

You need to get away from your kids and your box-sets, and be romantic with each other. You have to remember that your kids will grow up one day, your box-sets will finish, and what you’ll be left with is a relationship that has turned from loving to just mates.

So break away from domestic life and stop being ‘just parents’.

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