With our politics in an unprecedented state of chaos, many Brits are hoping for a new, more sober and sensible leader to take the reins.
Well, we can’t seem to find of those. But we did find Count Binface.
The “independent space warrior” from a distant planet is keen to help repair our wrecked economy, and he’s spoken exclusively to the Daily Star on how he plans to do it.
READ MORE: Count Binface wants to ‘conquer country’ and force royals to give houses to homeless
Despite being an alien, the Count is no stranger to British politics. He was a candidate for Uxbridge and South Ruislip in the 2019 United Kingdom general election against then prime minister Boris Johnson, and also stood in the 2021 London mayoral election.
And now, he says, he’s ready to step in and lead the nation back to its former glory.
“Compared to the rest of Britain’s politicians,” the Count says, “I’m clearly the sanest choice on the menu”.
He explains that, as part-dustbin, he is uniquely well-qualified: “The one thing everyone in the UK can agree on is that the main parties are all rubbish, and rubbish is kinda my thing, so I’m here to take out the trash and put your country on the map”
In his new book, the Count unveils his biggest and most comprehensive manifesto to date.
He gave us a sneak preview of the main policies: “I am committed to: nationalising Adele, the immediate reintroduction of Ceefax, price-capping croissants at £1, renaming London Bridge after Phoebe Waller, and not being an incompetent, corrupt, lying b*****d”.
Wetherspoons superfan on mission to visit every single pub even though he doesn't drink
He’s not just focused on the big headline stories, though.
The Count is also thinking about the issues that affect the ordinary man, woman, or alien in the street, such as the imminent closure of parts of the Wetherspoons pub chain.
The Count says he has nothing against ‘Spoons as a brand, singling out the pubs’ famous carpets as an attractive feature. He’s particularly fond of the Skylark in Croydon, on that score, he adds.
“However,” the 5,965-year-old extraterrestrial adds, “if you ask me, which you are, the problem is the human who is in charge of the Wetherspoon’s Empire – Mr Tim ‘Looks like an electrocuted scarecrow’ Martin. Quite frankly he doesn’t deserve my help.
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“But if you were to push me,” says the count, “here are a few tips for a successful pub: install more quiz machines, don’t have the BBC News Channel playing in the background, sensibly place all hand-dryers in the gents’ toilets make sure that customers who partake in the Curry Club get a badge, and ensure that croissants are price-capped at £1”.
The Count has many other leadership ambitions, including becoming supreme commander of the Earth, helming his own BBC cookery series, and scoring a slot in Countdown’s Dictionary Corner.
But we tempted him away from politics for a moment to ask a question that's been on every Star reader’s mind.
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Namely, what he – as an alien entity – made of the increasingly official reports of encounters between the US military and UFOs.
“There are rumours that this is happening because the United States is so alarmed by the new British government that they’re more interested in building relations with aliens than in securing a trade deal with the United Kingdom,” the Count told us.
“You might think that. I couldn’t possibly comment”.
If you would like to know more about the Count's unique take on politics, cookery and life in general, What on Earth? An Alien’s Guide to Fixing Britain is out on 6th October 6 in hardback and e-book, £14.99 (Quercus Books)
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