Not since members of the Third Reich fled in 1945 has there been such a desperate flight for South America as the one announced on Saturday night’s X Factor.
Judge Robbie Williams, it was suddenly revealed, is leaving “for a couple of weeks”, heading for Chile, Paraguay, Argentina and lots of other places where even Mossad won’t be able to find him.
Judging by the happy, carefree expression and disguise he was wearing, he might never be back, either.
And who, in all honesty, could blame him after the weekend’s technical shambles.
“Fright Night” was the official theme, but “Final Nail” might have been more accurate, or even “Half A*sed” given the state of the judges’ fancy dress costumes.
Two of them, Louis Tomlinson and Ayda Field, hadn’t bothered at all. Robbie was meant to be Simon Cowell, but looked a lot more like Big Bob Joylove from Harry Enfield And Chums, and Cowell himself was swathed in bandages as if he’d fled the Cedars-Sinai clinic halfway through a facelift.
However much the outfits managed expectations, though, nothing could quite prepare you for the contestants, who seem to spend at least as much time preparing their sob stories as their singing.
Scarlett Lee should’ve had the head start on everyone here, of course, after her brother’s home was incinerated and she “burnt her eye” in a salvage attempt.
But Danny Tetley, who can dissolve into a sobbing wreck at the mere mention of bereavement, is the one giving a lesson to everyone, especially 33-year-old Giovanni Spano, if he thinks we’re going to buy his “chubby teenager” torment for a second.
No matter how much they spin and sob, though, nothing can quite take the edge off the singing, where this week’s race to the bottom was won by United Vibe’s version of Bleeding Love. “You cut me open and I keep bleeding.” My ears keep bleeding.
The great thing about this lot, though, was that everyone thought the real problem was their name and kept insisting “You need to change it”, to something more viewer-friendly, like The Tinnitus 5, Tone-Def, The Backstreet Abortions, Hamas, anything but United Vibe.
That problem went away, obviously, when they were eliminated on Sunday.
However, the only thing anyone will remember about last weekend’s X Factor is the technical gremlin that struck, 33 minutes into Saturday’s pre-record, and made Danny and Anthony Russell sound like they were singing through a Dalek filter.
Personally, I didn’t think it harmed their performances one little bit, yet after two hours of wailing and sobbing, up popped the message: “Tonight’s vote is cancelled.”
It’s the last thing the show needed, clearly, as it’s already holed below the waterline and everything’s now going down with the ship.
Everything except perhaps the unsinkable ego of Robbie Williams, who was still busy assuring Scarlett Lee, “In five years’ time, we’ll be on the same Christmas show together”, where Robbie will be working as a stage-hand called “Esteban” on Feliz Navidad Paraguay.
“We’ll have a cuddle,” and then Robbie will whisper in Scarlett’s ear “You don’t know me. We never met.”
Losing Hope in dim Vick
On ITV2 last Wednesday they padlocked and chained professional bone brain Joey Essex to the floor of a chamber and flooded it with 16,000 litres of water.
Then ruined everything by getting a magician involved and letting him escape.
A right old waste of time called Ben Hanlin Live And Deadly: Drowned.
A one-off special filmed at “a top-secret location” that was too scary to name but, according to the end credits, was actually Fort Borstal in Kent, where, as far as I can tell, absolutely no one’s been murdered, least of all the 12 haunting souls ITV2 kept banging on about.
Still, you expect this nonsense on Halloween. What I hadn’t bargained on was that Joey wouldn’t be the dimmest person on set.
That honour went to host Vick Hope, off Strictly, who distinguished herself early on by asking magician Ben: “What is a lock pick?”
“It’s a pick that picks locks,” dumbo.
She also tried introducing Diags, off Towie, as the show’s resident doctor, Ed Hope, and had a way of killing the mystery and tension that was quite hypnotic: “They’ll have to pick locks like their lives depend on it . . . ’cos they do . . . well, they kind of do.”
If there’s one thing I’ll take from this show, though, it’s Vick’s final health and safety disclaimer.
“It goes without saying,” she said, “don’t lock your head in a box of water, don’t handcuff yourself and don’t throw yourself in a lake.”
Although, rule out none of the above if Live And Deadly: Drowned comes back this time next year.
GREAT SPORTING INSIGHTS
Paul Merson: “Arnautovic is moving a bit sheep-lessly.”
Martin Keown: “Gambling is a gamble.”
Dion Dublin: “Neil Lennon’s no shrieking violet.”
And Alan McInally: “An hour gone and Manchester United haven’t been anywhere near the pitch.”
(Compiled by Graham Wray).
Doddie’s example to us all
In these tearful, snowflake-ridden times, the most important and life-affirming television of the week was Wednesday’s The One Show.
Other guests were present but, like every single viewer, they will have been transfixed by the remarkable Doddie Weir, the former Scotland rugby lock, in the shortbread tin suit, who was diagnosed with motor neurone disease two years ago.
Very calmly he explained exactly how this was in the process of killing him, before, with the classic understatement of a man from the Scottish Borders – an area not big on over-sharing – Doddie said: “It’s not the best disease to happen.”
There were none of the tears we’ve all come to expect in these situations, though, or any sense of self pity, because big Doddie is too busy pushing back, organising his charity events and doing the most important thing of all in these or any other circumstances.
Grabbing life by the throat and getting on with the simple joy of living. myname5doddie.co.uk.
Quiz show mouth-breathers of the week
QUIZ SHOW MOUTH-BREATHERS OF THE WEEK
The Time It Takes, Joe Lycett: “Emma Hamilton was the mistress of which naval hero?”
Sophie: “Popeye.”
Bradley Walsh: “Witches are most often depicted flying on what object?”
Keisha: “UFOs.”
Tipping Point: “Found on boxes of cognac, the letters XO stand for Extra what?”
Tracey: “Alcohol.”
And Bradley Walsh: “What rock ’n’ roll star drove a truck for Crown Electric before he was famous?”
Catherine: “Rock Hudson.”
AND INTERRUPTION OF THE WEEK…
Tipping Point, Ben Shephard: “Fixodent is an adhesive used to keep in place…”
BZZZZZZ. Nathan: “Walls.”
“Which artificial objects in the mouth? Dentures.”
Lookalikes
This week’s winner is a Paul Gauguin self-portrait and Stephen Fry.
- Sent in by Francis Harvey. Picture research Marta Ovod.
TV gold
Roger Jean Nsengiyumva’s brilliant and terrifying performance as Dadir on BBC1’s class apart Informer.
Jodie Comer stealing the Killing Eve show. Superb Celebs Go Dating narrator Rob Beckett pointing out Chloe Sims’ “strong personality” is “code for pain in the a*se”.
And genius Jimmy Carr making the only relevant comment on all of last week’s Halloween cobblers: “It’s actually easy to tell if your house is haunted. It isn’t. Grow up.”
BBC1’s World Gymnastics, question of the championships, Alison Mitchell to Craig Heap: “Hazel (Irvine) described them as an instrument of torture, but do you sometimes feel tortured in men’s rings, Craig?”
Well, Craig, do you?
- For everyone who’s been waiting for this series of The Apprentice to provide a classic episode, wait no longer. Wednesday, BBC1, 9pm. Kurran Pooni does Club Tropicana for Jet Pop airline. Outstanding.
Random TV irritations
- The bland, infantilising PC nightmare Good Morning Britain becomes without porkly Piers Morgan’s truth bombs. BBC1’s lavish The Little Drummer Girl nonsense entering “what the f***?” territory.
- Big Brother housemates reacting to Nikki Grahame’s arrival like Gwyneth bleeding Paltrow had appeared before them.
- X Factor wasting a space on Pitch Battle failures LMA Choir.
- And The Mash Report’s hypocrite-in-chief Nish Kumar banning Tommy Robinson’s picture from the show, despite no one having any qualms about using hate preacher Anjem Choudary’s the previous week. Which is precisely how the EDL founder gets his support, Nish, you grandstanding, right-on imbecile.
- Meanwhile, on Celebrity Hunted. “After a public sighting, two hours ago at a Tesco near Manchester, HQ has tracked Chris and Kem (from Love Island) to a nearby car park.” Well those trolleys don’t collect themselves, do they.
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