A SITCOM idea for the BBC.

Bring back Fawlty Towers, with Greg Davies and Nina Wadia as Basil and Sybil.

Then ditch the German gags, obviously, and replace Manuel with a Romanian waiter who makes lots of pointed remarks about Brexit.

No? Well, I didn’t say it was a good idea, did I?

It’s just an idea that stood a chance of getting past the BBC comedy Stasi, who are as obsessed with their own far more successful past as they are driven by political correctness, yet remain unable to make the connection between the two.

They clearly haven’t learned any lessons from Ant & Dec’s assault on The Likely Lads either, or Shane Richie’s Minder aberration.

If they had, we wouldn’t have witnessed Sunday’s opening night of sitcom season, when they celebrated the format by robbing two more graves.

First up, Are You Being Served?, a show that’s gained a certain charm and ironic cred with every passing series of Citizen Khan, but I always hated on the grounds it was absolutely sodding dreadful.

The reboot remained broadly faithful to the original, although, with the exception of Arthur Smith, the cast was a lot more talented.

Mr Lucas had also been vanished, along with jokes about Miss Brahms’ knockers, presumably on the grounds of sexual harassment.

Audience members, though, were evidently thrilled to hear Sherrie “Mrs Slocombe” Hewson announce: “It’ll take a whole bottle of Vosene to clean my pussy.” (Not to mention the Shake n’ Vac and an industrial Dyson).

I still don’t like Are You Being Served?, obviously, but I’d be quietly thrilled if it was turned into a hit series and annoyed the hell out of the right-on comedy establishment.

Porridge, though, is an entirely different matter and arguably the greatest sitcom ever made.

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A stunning Clement & La Frenais script in perfect harmony with Ronnie Barker, who was physically incapable of mistiming a line.

You mess with Porridge, you might as well felt-tip a mullet on the Mona Lisa.

So you had to feel a bit sorry for Kevin “Fletch” Bishop and the new cast who were working with substandard Clement & La Frenais material and other restrictions.

There was never a chance, of course, you’d hear any references to “the poof on E Wing”, but it was also missing Fletch’s Scottish digs at Mr Meekie, the Mackay clone.

This may just have been an oversight, but you can’t rule out the possibility the BBC actually believes Scottish viewers share its ridiculous sensibilities and needed protecting from some of the greatest comedy dialogue ever written.

That, however, was just detail.

The real question was why even bother trying to improve on perfection, especially when the original episodes have never been more accessible?

The Gold channel screens them every Wednesday.

If you tuned in last week you’ll have seen Ways and Means, the one where Fletch snags his goolies on the prison roof and ends up scamming ’Orrible Ives with Slade’s library trolley.

“I could let you have this one, it’s about the sex-starved pygmies of the southern Malaysian desert.”

“What’s it called?” “Little Women.”

It’s unlikely that punchline, or about 80 per cent of original Porridge material, would now get past Auntie’s thought police, which means the only dialogue worth repeating from Sunday’s episode began when Fletch insisted: “You’ve got it in for me, haven’t you Mr Meekie.

“Is that why I still haven’t got a television in my cell?”

“Television’s a privilege, Fleh-tchaaaa.”

True.

So someone confiscate the head of BBC Comedy’s.

They’ve been abusing it.

[boxout featured-image="1693472" intro="JUST to see if you paid attention, can you tell me whether the following comments were said on The Great British Bake Off or Naked Attraction? Answers below."]1. “Do you need a pair of warm hands on your bag, or on you?”
2. “I’ve had two kids and it’s like a jam jar down there.”
3. “I’ve got my swallow dress on and my swallow ear-rings.”
4. “The bottom’s too short. I like a nice long crack.”
5. “Move your purple ring where I can see it, Kate.”[/boxout]

They've learned sob all

A CHILLING thought.

ITV’s next karaoke-free month will probably be July 2017.

In between now and then it’ll broadcast its first series of The Voice, followed by Britain’s Got Talent.

First, though, comes several months of The X Factor, where Nicole Scherzinger has been an early revelation in her new role as care assistant to 56-year-old Simon, Sharon Osbourne “63” and Louis Walsh, who was born on August 5, 1952, shortly after Dame Vera Lynn hit the US No1 with Auf Wiederseh’n Sweetheart.

Slightly decrepit or not, though, we do at least have a properly functioning panel now.

So why does a best-days-are-behind-it smell continue to linger on The X Factor?

Well, it’s probably a combination of the manipulation, familiarity, deception and, above all, those unbearable sob stories which covered everything from death to dyslexia and a nervous carpenter called James Wilson who – for goodness sakes – had the chippie chippie shakes.

Not even dire ratings, it seems, will persuade them otherwise, but it’s worth repeating anyway.

Sob stories are a dead weight around a show that needs to concentrate on finding original talent (not professional retreads) and celebrating vintage oddballs, like Richard Chen, who was told by Simon to: “Go back to your dessert factory and tell them we are going to be partners in rice pudding.”

Which beats the hell out of a Syco contract and getting dropped after your first single.

Roll on July 2017.

RANDOM TV IRRITATIONS

Celebrity Big Brother signing its own death warrant by engineering a win for the truly hateful Stephen Bear.

The BBC apparently confusing Bake Off winner Nadiya Hussain with a Nobel Prize winner.

Jamie and Jools Oliver continuing to spread the national pox of stupid baby names.

Channel 4 News genuinely asking: “Can the Notting Hill Carnival reunite the nation?” (No. Next dumb-f*** question?)

And the EastEnders’ scriptwriters who neglected to mention West Ham leaving their old ground, or moving to the new one.

But, in between, made a big point of Lee announcing he’d like a daughter “to play for West Ham Ladies”. The gigantic, middle-class, box-ticking to**pots.

TV GOLD? Sorry, but I just can’t see beyond ITV deliberately going off air for an entire hour on Saturday morning. Give it a series, I say.

Preferably in the Loose Women slot.

Vicky is caner Queen

IF you bought the idea of Cuba Gooding Jr as OJ Simpson, or even Giles Coren as a prime-time ITV quiz show host, you’ll probably have no problem with this next bit of casting.

Jenna Coleman, one of the most beautiful creatures on television, is ITV’s (Queen) Victoria, a woman who, let’s face it, looked more like a King Edward stuffed with cottage cheese.

The far-fetched idea, clearly, is to grab a bit of the Downton/Poldark action.

The starting point for ITV’s Victoria, though, seems to be Vicky Pattison off Geordie Shore.

She’s feisty as hell, of course, got “proper f**kin’ mortal”, at her first court ball, then threw herself at Prime Minister Lord Melbourne, played by Rufus Sewell, and the Imperial Archduke, Alexander the Meerkat of Russia.

Credibility and looks, however, are not this drama’s biggest problem.

Victoria’s major a***ache being the dreadful script, which is mainly a mixture of spirit-sapping household duties – “I’m making an inventory of beeswax candle consumption” – and what sound like old punchline feeds: “William, why the long face?” (Only way to get around in 1837, innit.)

We’re not amused, obviously, and not entertained either, or even at the point of missing Chris Evans’ Top Gear on a Sunday night, just yet.

But give it a couple of episodes.

GREAT CBB LIES AND DELUSIONS

Emma Willis: “They’ve been a cracking bunch to watch, haven’t they?” Nope.

Ariana Grande: “Hi Frankie, I’ve been watching Celebrity Big Brother and…” No you haven’t.

And Katie Waissel: “My husband’s a radio presenter and comedian and it was him that said it was my time to shine again.”

Which may confirm the “comedian” part of the job description, but I’ve still got a problem with “again”.

— TV GOLD? Sorry, but I just can’t see beyond ITV deliberately going off air for an entire hour on Saturday morning. Give it a series, I say.

Preferably in the Loose Women slot.

— QUIZ show imbecile of the week, appears courtesy of BBC1’s Think Tank. Bill Turnbull: “The cyclist Mark Cavendish was born on which island?”

“Spain?”

— RE: Quiz. 1, 3 and 5 were Bake Off, 4 and, unfortunately, 2 were Naked Attraction.

GREAT SPORTING INSIGHTS

Gary Neville: “Look at Eden Hazard here, standing still and walking.”

Andrew Cotter: “Just watch his foot touching the rail here as you don’t see it.”

Theo Walcott: “I want to know where I want to play.”

And Alan McInally: “I can hear the boys nodding their heads.”

(Compiled by Graham Wray).

Lookalikes

THIS week’s £69 winner is Sergeant Bilko and Owen Smith MP, one of the two buffoons competing to lead the toxic, left-wing shambles that used to be the Labour Party.

Sent in by Neil O’Brien, via email.

Picture research Amy Reading.

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