Dear Amy: For many years I have invited my brother “Steve” and sister “Wendy” and their spouses to celebrate Easter with us.
It has always been a lovely day despite the fact that Wendy and our sister-in-law (Steve’s wife, “Cynthia”) don’t get along.
Frankly, Cynthia is a very difficult person and has made Steve’s life miserable much of the time, but they’ve been married more than 50 years and she’s not going anywhere.
Problems reached the breaking point recently and Wendy had had enough. She sent Cynthia a nasty text telling her off and saying she hoped never to see her (expletive) face again.
I know that if I invite Steve and Cynthia this year, Wendy won’t come and even though I’d rather have Wendy, I can’t exclude my brother Steve. Any advice?
— Devastated
Dear Devastated: Invite everyone. No matter the provocation, your sister “Wendy” is at fault for sending an offensive text, which includes an absolute. Her choice to do this is not your fault or your responsibility, and when she did this, she should have considered the fact that “Cynthia” is a member of the family and — as you say — “is not going anywhere.”
Let Wendy know that you are inviting everyone, as you always do.
And if Wendy wants to join your party at Easter, she needs to figure out how she can see Cynthia’s (expletive) face.
The Easter holiday is meant to celebrate rebirth, resurrection, and the promise of spring. I hope your sister Wendy takes this opportunity to apologize to Cynthia for her abominable and offensive choice.
Dear Amy: My husband and I are good parents and grandparents.
We are always available when needed and our relationship with our daughter and her husband is pretty good.
The problem is that they never come to our home, even though they live only 45 minutes away.
Additionally, every time I have suggested that we take a family vacation together (one that I would pay for), they react with negativity.
I think her husband has some social issues, but he acts fine when we visit them for a few hours.
We are not young and being with our grandkids is the highlight of our lives!
I think that our daughter believes that “family” is just the four of them.
We try to respect her rules and boundaries, but her behavior is very hurtful.
Any suggestions?
— Tired of Trying
Dear Tired: I realize that some families take three-generation vacations, but for many hardworking parents, a vacation entails actually leaving extended family in place, while they break new ground and create memories with their children.
(And yes, once parents have children they form a nuclear family with their kids, and their siblings and parents become part of their extended family.)
Once COVID restrictions ease, you could explore the idea of taking your grandchildren on an Elderhostel retreat. These educational programs are designed for grandparents to enjoy alongside their grandkids. Check roadscholar.org for adventures ranging from exploring Yosemite to seeing Broadway shows in New York City.
If the children are too young, or if this idea is too daunting, you might start smaller and see if your daughter and her husband are willing to relinquish the children for a weekend “staycation” at their home while the parents enjoy a brief getaway. If that goes well for everyone, you can venture further afield, possibly hosting overnights at your home.
Dear Amy: “Quitting Time” wrote to you because she had been at her first job after college for four years and was wholly sick of it.
She’d found another job and expressed that she would love to make one of those viral “I-quit” videos, but acknowledged that it’s probably not a wise decision.
She asked for advice on how to quit.
Your answer went into great detail about the drawbacks of those videos, but you gave her no guidance on how to quit her job.
She should write a letter of resignation (not email).
Give two-weeks notice.
Don’t go into detail about what is wrong with the company in the resignation letter. Express appreciation for the opportunity to learn while there.
If there is an exit interview, she can describe what was good and bad about her experience.
— Liz
Dear Liz: Thank you for supplementing my answer to “Quitting Time” with actual and practical advice.
In addition to sending a paper letter of resignation, however, I would also suggest sending notification of her resignation via email.
That way she knows that the resignation has been received and read.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
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