THE former Wimbledon champion and drug cheat Maria Sharapova and her agent, a creep called Max Eisenbud, (a successful creep it must be said) would email each other 75 times a day.
She said of Mr Eisenbud, who took her on the books of the global IMG sports management company when she was 12: “He knows everything that’s going on. He knows where I am going tomorrow. He knows where I am now.”
Mr Eisenbud says of his client: “As an agent you get lucky sometimes and I’m a really lucky guy.” That relationship has put £130million into her bank account and probably £20million in his.
So when the glamorous Ms Sharapova is caught with the banned drug meldonium in her blood at the Australian Open, up pops Mighty Max with a helpful explanation.
It was all his fault.
He explained to the tribunal that every year, while at the poolside during his annual Caribbean holiday, he would review the list of banned substances and then alert his tennis star, left.
But according to Mr Eisenbud he cancelled the holiday last year because his marriage broke up. And that was the reason she continued to take the drug.
The tribunal described his story as “wholly incredible”.
I have two other words. Absolute b*****ks.
Couldn’t he have mentioned the drug in one of their 75 emails?
Couldn’t he have texted her or called her? After all, he knew where she was 24 hours a day.
His absurd story is only matched by Nike, who say they will continue to sponsor Sharapova during her two-year ban as she has apologised.
Apologised for being caught more likely.
Would Nike have been so anxious to be seen alongside her if she had been pug-ugly from Belarus? I have my doubts.
Nike are the same shysters who continue to sponsor US sprinter Justin Gatlin despite him serving two doping bans.
If there was a Creeps Olympics, both Mr Eisenbud and Nike would be gold medallists.
If you want sport to be clean, please don’t buy any apparel with a whoosh on it.
FUMING OVER AGE UK COVER
SOME four months ago The Sun highlighted how a tie-up between the charity Age UK and the energy firm E.ON was leading to higher bills for the over-50s.
In the storm that followed over commercial exploitation Age UK ended its relationship with E.ON.
I wonder if that position is also true of home insurance. Column reader Ken Nicholson, from Doncaster, emails to say he received a renewal from Age UK seeking £549.
Because I keep banging on about price comparison sites he went on aspokesmansaid.com and was surprised he could get it much cheaper from other firms, eventually switching to Intelligent Insurance for £299, saving a handy £250.
Ken is steaming mad. He said: “Age UK should be reported to the Charity Commission for blatant profiteering at the expense of the very people they are supposed to be helping.”
I don’t believe the situation with home insurance is as serious as the E.ON scamboli but it might well be worth having a look at aspokesmansaid.com – or GoCompare,
Confused or whatever – just to make sure you are not overpaying.
Do tell me what you found. Email [email protected].
Rugby's tats? Ink I'll pass
OK, I must be old-fashioned but I was quite shocked to see the tattooed figure of England rugby winger Jack Nowell Down Under for tomorrow’s big game against Australia. Most of his upper body is covered by a vast Japanese design.
That’s more ink than the Sunday Mirror uses. Apparently it reflects Nowell’s heritage as a Cornish fisherman.
He says: “They’d go fishing, come in, get a taxi to Plymouth, get drunk and get tattooed.” Another intellectual night out in Plymouth.
It looks fine now but what happens when Mr Nowell is not 23 but 53? It reminds me of the gag about the guy who has the name of his fiancée Wendy tattooed on his penis.
Most of Jack's upper body is covered by a vast Japanese design. That’s more ink than the Sunday Mirror uses
When not erect, all you could see was W and Y.
They honeymooned in the Caribbean and the husband went to the lavatory, where a Jamaican man was standing next to him, and he couldn’t help noticing he too had W and Y on his penis.
He asked if his wife was called Wendy too. The Jamaican replied: “No, that says Welcome to Jamaica, Have a Nice Day.”
What do you think? Email [email protected].
— I’M off to a swanky political reception at a London hotel next week, which is being called a Hokey Cokey evening.
Apparently it’s all in out, in out.
IT’S HAM TOASTIE
HAVE you noticed how quiet Foreign Secretary Philip Hammond is these days?
He is on a lose-lose no matter what happens on June 23.
My bet is that his silence is because he has already been told by Cameron he is toast.
If Remain wins he will go in Dave’s Cabinet “reconciliation” shuffle (some hope) and if Leave triumphs he will be dumped to make way for a Brexiteer.
Hammond can only blame himself for his demise.
All his political life he has been a massive Euroscepticbut come the hour he fell into line.
Just imagine how much stronger he would have been had he joined Gove and Boris.
Strangely, no matter what the result he would have kept his seat at the top table.
Now he won’t even serve the sandwiches.
Railing against sickies
I WAS seriously irritated at Gatwick Airport station the other day when trains were being cancelled because of what it said on the board were “staff shortages”.
As it turns out they weren’t “staff shortages” at all but simply conductors throwing sickies as part of an RMT-organised wildcat protest at rota changes.
So conductors are quite happy to bugger up Southern Rail passengers’ lives – especially holidaymakers anxious to make their flights – but aren’t prepared to sacrifice one day’s pay in their battle.
Cowardly lot, aren’t they? Not all rail staff act like those at Southern Rail.
I was so impressed by the cool and calm manner of one conductor on my South West Trains line on Wednesday when a woman was said to have taken her own life by jumping in front of my train at Esher, in Surrey.
Conductors are quite happy to bugger up Southern Rail passengers’ lives – especially holidaymakers anxious to make their flights
Of course we were going to be delayed and he kept us fully informed but his main concern, correctly, was for the driver and how he was standing up to the mental torture of seeing his train crash into the woman.
He made that point over the public address.
The driver is often the unmourned victim of these rail deaths.
He has to carry that last image for the rest of his working life.
I have found conductors on my line unfailingly helpful and polite.
Clearly the deceitful ones were all hired by Southern Rail.
AT WRIT’S END, PHIL?
APPARENTLY Philip Green (I’ve saved the honours committee a problem by stripping him of a knighthood already) is threatening to sue me over Monday’s column item about his personal obligation to the 11,000 BHS staff with pensions.
You needn’t deliver the writ personally.
FedEx will do.
— THIS extraordinary sign can be seen on America’s Interstate 5, close to the Mexican border.
Basically it warns motorists of illegal migrant families dashing across the road and was created because a number had been killed by cars.
What with the Kent coast becoming the favourite landing spot of Albanians, expect to see the same signs popping up on roads around Dymchurch quite soon.
YOUR PUN-BELIEVABLE ENTRIES
TANNING studio in Middleton, Gtr Manchester – Tanya Whytebits.
Bar in Spain – Wheel, Tapas and Punters.
Flower shop in Battersea,South London – Battersea Flower Station.
Locksmith in Reading – Jak in the Locks.
A 1940s-style café in Stratford-upon-Avon, Warks – The Fourteas. Café in Liversedge, West Yorks – Posh Slice.
Casino in Salford, Gtr Manchester – Stake N Chips.
Handyman in Cardiff – For Fix Sake.
Seen on the back of an air conditioning van – Let’s get the fog out of here.
Love the punnies. Please keep sending them to [email protected].
— I RECOGNISE MPs must focus on the big issues but were they to stroll round the corner to Westminster Bridge they would discover small ice cream cornets being sold to gullible tourists for an outrageous £3.80.
Perhaps Parliament should clamp down on this exploitation by bringing back the Ices and Incomes Board.
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