There’s nothing better than the race to be Christmas Number One.
It’s a competition almost completely devoid of artistic merit and is instead decided on far more interesting factors like ‘do you have a sob story?
‘Are the proceeds going to charity? How strong is your social media game?’
The race for 2021, then, is on.
LadBaby, who have scooped the prize for the past three years for their sausage roll-themed songs, have released a parody of Ed Sheeran and Elton John’s own Christmas song in a bid to seal a record fourth consecutive Xmas No.1 and it’s been done with Ed and Elton’s help.
Can anyone else stop them? Well, it could just be Adele or a non-festive Sheeran song… but let’s hope it’s one of the below.
Merry Christmas by Ed Sheeran & Elton John
Oh no, I quite like this… I do too. What happened to us?
Do we like Ed Sheeran now? I wouldn’t go that far. Maybe we just really like Elton John? Or sleigh bells? Or the two or three incredibly infectious hooks buried in a tight three-minute pop song. Ed does seem like a nice guy – and it is for charity.
So it’s a legitimately good song, then? I’d say so, at least by Christmas song standards. This is much better than some of the rubbish we listen to every year, without question.
Will it be Xmas No.1? Surely. And if it isn’t, the sausage roll version of it will be.
Fall in Love At Christmas by Mariah Carey (ft. Khalid & Kirk Franklin)
Doesn’t Mariah Carey earn enough money at Christmas? You’d have thought so. But here we are.
Is it as good as All I Want For Christmas Is You? Well, no. But it’s actually considerably better than I was expecting. It’s quite the sexy, soulful number and a change of pace from the usual Christmas cheese.
But do we want sex at Christmas? That’s the real question. I don’t really know how to respond to that… Well, just so you know, it lasts a respectable five minutes and climaxes to the sound of a gospel choir with Carey going hog wild vocally in the background.
We’re still talking about the song, right? I hope so.
Will it be Xmas No.1? I doubt it – but it’s much better than most of this tripe.
It’s Christmas, Merry Christmas! by Craig Revel Horwood & Rietta Austin
I didn’t know Craig Revel Horwood could sing… I’m not entirely certain he can, really – but he’s doing it for a good cause.
Actually, I don’t think any proceeds from this go to charity… Well, he seems to be having fun at least.
Don’t be such a Grinch. Is it any good? It’s incredibly cheesy. It’s like someone loaded up a cannon with anything even tangentially related to Christmas and blew it up in my stupid face. Austin holds the whole thing together, though, and it’ll be stuck in your head all day.
Does he say the line? Of course he does. Fab-u-lous!
Will it be Xmas No.1? I’d be very surprised, although never underestimate the power of Strictly.
Little Things by ABBA
Holy moly, ABBA have a Christmas single! They do. Incredibly, they never released one during their original run but here it is as part of their new album.
It’s brilliant, then, right? Well, it’s not bad. It’s a cute, delicate little festive number that never quite gets going but has a deceptively good hook. It’s a song for those sickeningly perfect Christmas families who sing around the piano after lunch. A feeling exacerbated by including actual children right at the end of the song.
You never sang round the piano? My mum once started taking the decorations down at 4.30pm on Christmas Day. And anyway, who owns a piano?
Will it be Xmas No.1? No. It’s far too gentle.
How Christmas Is Supposed To Be by Gray Barlow & Sheridan Smith
Is this song advocating for divorce? Pretty much. It’s seemingly about how the festive period is a build-up of resentment that is a constant battle to remember what you loved about each other in the first place. Which is authentically festive, perhaps, but not feel-good festive.
How do we feel about Barlow in 2021? He’s risen to Cliff Richard status. He’s still around – and that’s no bad thing.
And what about Sheridan Smith? That depends entirely on how much you like Cilla Black. So unless you’re Paul O’Grady, not much.
How about them together? Let’s put it this way: if your significant other at any point turns to you and says ‘I quite like this song,’ well, that’s grounds for divorce.
Will it be Xmas No.1? I hope not but you never know with this sick nation.
In The Bleak Midwinter by The Church of England
Is this some form of elaborate Vicar of Dibley joke? Sadly not. It is, though, the first time the Church of England has put out a Christmas single. In modern times, of course. I hear it was smashing them out in the 17th century.
Why now? It’s to coincide with its At The Heart Of Christmas campaign, which it hopes will remind people of the true meaning of Christmas. That’s Jesus, for those struggling to keep up.
Is this the banger to do it? Only if the kids really want a lovely, orchestrated carol version of a 149-year-old poem.
Will it be Xmas No.1? God, no.
Sausage Rolls For Everyone by Ladbaby
So… this is a parody of a song that came out 12 days ago… Yeah, it doesn’t really make much sense. I’m sure it sounded a lot funnier on paper but what can you do?
And Ed and Elton are in on the joke? Yup – as much as the fourth consecutive sausage roll-based parody on the trot can be considered a joke at this point, rather than a baffling irritation.
Ooh sounds like someone doesn’t like sausage rolls… I’m from Hull and I’ve literally worked in a sausage factory. I like sausage rolls.
Is the song any good? It’s not out till Friday but it’ll be the same as the above but with pastry jokes.
Will it be Xmas No.1? Surely.
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