IT’S 10.30pm and I’ve just seen Marvel’s Green Goblin fly above a packed dancefloor to do battle with a Lycra-clad Spider-Man.
I’m at Mexico’s legendary Coco Bongo club — and no, I’m not hallucinating after a severe bout of sunstroke.
Set on Cancun’s main strip, the club makes even Las Vegas look amateur at times.
Tickets start from £70 but for those willing to splurge, a VIP pass for around £150 includes 15 drinks and gets you a front-row seat to take in the venue’s baffling show.
Everything from a breakdancing Game Of Thrones Night King and aerial artist warriors, to surprisingly impressive Freddie Mercury and Moulin Rouge tribute acts, is jammed into the two-and-a-half-hour spectacle.
The weird and wonderful experience doesn’t end as I head out into the warm night, either.
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Next door is the equally wild Senor Frogs, where Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee went on their first official date in the Nineties.
It may claim to be a restaurant-bar but while it does serve food, don’t expect a quiet bite to eat and chat with friends.
Instead, I’m greeted with Conga lines where revellers get free tequila shots poured into their mouths, and scantily clad performers twerk away on top of the bar.
The venue recently enjoyed a revival — not that it ever really fell out of fashion — after it featured in Disney+ series Pam & Tommy based on the relationship between the Baywatch beauty and the outrageous Motley Crue drummer.
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I’m sure, had it been built at the time, the pair would have been checking into my base for the week — the Hard Rock Hotel Cancun, just a ten-minute taxi from the city’s clubs and bars.
Powder-white sand
Of course, they’d have chosen the 2,511sq ft Rock Star suite — with Elton John and Police memorabilia, and a terrace with stunning views and its own sound system.
But more than half of the hotel’s 600 rooms boast breathtaking ocean views — and as with all things rock ’n’ roll, everything about Hard Rock is OTT — from the giant snakeskin headboard of my king-size bed, to the hot tub in every room.
Rooms also come with large walk-in showers, his-and-hers sinks and a fully stocked mini-bar.
In a nod to the venue’s roots, for true music lovers a record player and assorted LPs can be ordered to the room.
The hotel even boasts a rent-a-guitar service, where a Fender can be ordered to the room free of charge.
For novices like myself, a step-by-step teach yourself guitar programme is also available on the hotel’s TV system.
The hotel is bang-smack next to a wide sweep of powder-white sand, or there’s a vast infinity pool as well as chilled pools on the rooftop for those in the Rock or Royalty rooms.
Hot-stone massage
There’s live music and foam parties most days, and cocktails on tap at the two swim-up bars.
With five restaurants, including Italian, Mexican and a steakhouse, as well as outdoor pop-up stalls, you won’t go hungry at the Hard Rock.
Some all-inclusive deals can be underwhelming when it comes to the meals, but Hard Rock’s wide-ranging selection is up there with the very best.
Offering rib-eye and sirloin cuts as well as roasted chicken and salmon, the Ipanema Grill should be high on anyone’s list of places to try.
Though I’d recommend laying off poolside snacks ahead of a trip to the grill, as the portions are huge.
For a dinner with a difference, Zen offers Japanese teppanyaki table-dining for up to 11 people. I watched as my meal was prepared by the chef, who lapped up the attention with various tricks and bursts of flame.
Meanwhile, the Italian Ciao offers a refined dining experience which is just right for a sophisticated date night.
And a must-try is the vodka, walnut and truffle rigatoni.
For after dinner, Hard Rock offers a nightly live show free of charge to all guests.
During my visit, these included a Michael Jackson spectacle as well as magic tricks.
For more of a chill-out, Hard Rock’s on-site spa offers a fabulous range of treatments. But while the Rock Spa is first class, and the perfect place to unwind from the poolside DJ and free frozen cock-tails, it doesn’t come cheap.
A 50-minute massage will set you back £176, while an 80-minute hot-stone special comes in at £220.
After a week in Cancun I’m a weird mix of totally relaxed from days basking in the sun, and tired from the late nights checking out the kooky Vegas-style bars.
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But one thing is for certain, I’ve fallen in love with both the city itself and the Hard Rock.
For both the young and the young-at-heart looking for a buzzing trip away without sacrificing on home comforts, it really does tick all the boxes — and then some.
GO: Cancun
GETTING / STAYING THERE: Seven nights’ all-inclusive at the 5H Hard Rock Hotel Cancun is from £1,575pp, based on two sharing a Deluxe room with balcony and whirlpool bath.
Includes flights with Tui from Gatwick in September and October and transfers. See tui.co.uk.
MORE INFO: For details on Hard Rock Cancun, see hrhcancun.com.
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