Affairs, madness and It's A Royal Knockout… royals survive it all

WHAT a weird time we had after Princess Harry was interviewed in America by that strange bouffant woman in leather wellies.

It was especially weird for me because, for the first time ever, I found myself in full agreement with both Nigel Farage AND Piers Morgan.

Mind you, after his row with that embryonic weatherman, Piers did go on to say that Meghan had done enormous damage to the Royal Family, which meant I could go back to disagreeing with him.

Yes, she is much revered by the young and the stupid who believe that her brand of simpering victimhood will one day bring down the monarchy, but it won’t.

Over the years, kings have been beheaded and queens have executed their sisters.

There have been affairs, abdications, bug-eyed princes who claimed they could not sweat and the catastrophic It’s A Royal Knockout, which was hosted by the kiddy fiddler, Stuart Hall.

The monarchy has survived it all.

It even managed to survive George III, who was so mad, he once spoke nonsense for 58 hours straight. This is a man who let America have its independence, and who once shook hands with a tree believing it to be the King of Prussia.

And if the British monarchy can soldier on through that, I’m fairly sure it’ll be able to weather the banal musings of a silly little cable TV actress.

Her interview has already been kicked into the long grass by other, more important stories such as Boris Johnson’s plan to introduce more environmentally friendly buses.

But even if she rears back at us, like Glenn Close out of that bath, it won’t be for long because this is a woman who, so far, has reportedly fallen out with her father, her sister, her ex, her brother-in-law, her sister-in-law, her mother-in-law and, probably everyone in the entire world with an IQ of more than 32.

I would not be surprised if, one day, an inappropriate text will be uncovered, or she’ll say something misjudged, and she will become just another Gerald Ratner. And even if she is able to maintain the act, her fans will grow up and become accountants and land- scape gardeners and plasterers and then they’ll realise that we need a monarch.

Because what’s the alternative? A president? Really?

Because they tried that in America and, in my lifetime alone, they’ve included a philanderer, a liar, a lying philanderer, a man who kept falling over, a moron, Donald Trump and a mumbling pensioner who keeps falling asleep.

Nah, trust me on this one.

Markle’s toast, and within five years, I suspect she’ll be posing for photographs, on her own outside the Taj Mahal or sitting on the back of a playboy’s yacht in the Med, and poor old Piers will realise that he lost his job over absolutely nothing at all.

IN the meantime, I would ask the feminists who are currently waging war with men to pack it in.

Because saying that all men are to blame for violence against women is like saying all Muslims are to blame for terrorism.


MOST people go through life and achieve nothing of any note at all.

Emerald Fennell isn’t like that. She shot to fame in Call The Midwife and then received great praise for the way she played Camilla Parker Bowles in The Crown.

But it turned out acting was just a stepping stone, because she went on to write the second series of Killing Eve.

And now, at the age of 35, she’s been nominated as best director for Promising Young Woman at the Oscars.

Next year, I fully anticipate that she will unlock the secrets of cold fusion and win the Formula One world championship.


MRS Queen told scientists on a Zoom call her Covid jab didn’t hurt at all.

Well she’s made of sterner stuff than me, because since I had mine last Sunday I’ve been sitting in a corner weeping and asking endlessly for chicken soup.

I’ve travelled a lot and have been inoculated against most things with no problem at all, but, ooh, that Covid jab knocked my arm for six.

I suppose it could be a huge blood clot forming but I seriously doubt that. I suspect it’s more likely to be my bicep getting ready for the day when the pubs open and it’ll be called on to lift a pint.

Meanwhile, the sight in my left eye has gone a bit weird. I guess I’ll have to drive to Barnard Castle to check it out.


ALL week, we’ve been told by the BBC’s right-on army that women are grieving over the death of Sarah Everard.


Yup, apparently men don’t care that such a bright young girl should be abducted from the street and murdered.

Well I do. But, that said, I have absolutely no idea what can be done to stop it happening again.

There’s talk of plain-clothed officers patrolling pubs and clubs when they reopen to make sure all the women are safe. But how many officers are we talking about here? One? Two? You’d need a thousand. In every town.

Then we have that silly baroness in the Lords suggesting that all men should be subjected to a 6pm curfew. And suggestions that lap-dancing clubs should be closed down immediately.

Meanwhile, on television, we had an angry young socialist demanding that Home Secretary Priti Patel meet her for talks, and then rage on the street when the offer was declined.

I’m not surprised it was declined because what good could come of it? It’s not like Priti Patel could promise that Sarah’s murder is the last of its kind because even if we build a massive mirror in space to ensure there are no darkened streets at night, I’m sorry to say it won’t be.

Which is why it’s vital we continue to teach our daughters to be bloody careful.


I HAVE a message for the people who bought a cute Vietnamese pot-bellied pig only to discover a few years later that it looks like a gigantic hairy hovercraft.

This does happen.

I had a son 25 years ago and he was ever so sweet with big blue eyes and a mop of white blond hair. And now he’s enormous.

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  • I WAS much amused to see an online advert for a T- shirt bearing the slogan “There are more than two genders”. Because underneath it said: “Select fit size: Men or Women.”


ONE of the Black Lives Matter people who got her protest movements in a muddle this week, and ended up being arrested in Clapham, said that she’d been there to support: “Cis women or trans women who cannot walk down the street by themselves because of the fear of men.”

Cis women? I’ve looked it up and it’s what we used to call “women”.

I guess it’s like sexual orientation. Since about 1998 we have had bisexual people who sleep with both men and women. Now we have “pansexuals” who are attracted to men and women and  . . .  what? Pans?

I guess it’s like sexual orientation.

I know that since about 1998, we have had bisexual people who sleep with both men and women, and now we have “pansexuals” who are attracted to men and women and  . . .  what Pans?

  • QUICK memo to that ex-British IS runaway girl who’s replaced the hijab with a Timotei haircut and some smooth sunglasses. Sorry. You’re still not coming back.

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