EXCLUSIVE: ‘They’re too loud!’ Sex columnist says teen chess phenom Hans Niemann couldn’t have used vibrating anal beads to cheat as they are noisy and too ‘blunt’ to communicate moves

  • Columnist and podcast host Dan Savage said chess grandmaster Hans Niemann could not have gotten away with using anal beads to cheat 
  • The sex guru, who hosts the weekly podcast Savage Love, said the vibrating sex toy is ‘relatively loud’ and it would be impossible to communicate chess moves
  • ‘Anyone [who had] bothered to check with anyone…they would have known that vibrating anal beads are a blunt instrument,’ he said 
  • Savage, 57, said the idea that such an object could communicate something as complicated as a chess move ‘could not happen’ 
  • ‘During the hush of a chess match you could hear those things,’ he added
  • He discussed the theory after Niemann, 19, was accused of cheating by a chess world champion last month 

A top sex guru has debunked the bizarre theory that teenage chess grandmaster Hans Niemann cheated in dozens of games with anal beads, claiming the sex toy is too noisy. 

Columnist Dan Savage argued that if Niemann had used the vibrating beads for assistance during tournaments his opponent would have heard them buzzing.

He also highlighted the fact that anal beads are a ‘blunt instrument’ and would not be able to communicate something as complex as a chess move if a third party was operating it remotely via a wireless connection.

Savage, 57, a sex advice columnist, openly discusses sex, relationships, and sex toys on his weekly podcast ‘Savage Love’, which began as a column in Seattle newspaper The Stranger. 

Following accusations chess grandmaster Hans Niemann cheated in the September 4 Sinquefield Cup, rumors began to swirl that he may have used vibrating anal beads to communicate with his coach during the match 

Current world chess champion Magnus Carlsen, 31, (left) suggested his opponent was a cheat after his shock victory last month 

Sex columnist Dan Savage weighed in on the scandal on his podcast, arguing that Niemann could not have used the beads for help because his opponent would have heard the vibrating sex toy buzzing

He addressed the topic on his show, amid speculation Niemann, 19, cheated on online games and used assistance in his shock victory against current world chess champion Magnus Carlsen, 31, on September 4 at the $350,000 Sinquefield Cup in St Louis. 

Carlsen withdrew from the tournament the following day, and this week a new report claimed Niemann received assistance to win in more than 100 games in his online professional career.

Savage also pointed out that anal beads are a ‘blunt instrument’ and it would not be able to communicate moves successfully

San Francisco-born Niemann claimed he only cheated twice, when he was 12 and 16, which he said were youthful indiscretions.

But the allegations – and the eyebrow-raising rumors about using anal beads to communicate with his coach – have rocked the world of chess.

However, Savage said such a scenario is not likely.  

‘Anyone who wrote up this story had bothered to check with anyone who had remote controlled anal beads in their a** – my contact info is right there on my website – they would have known that vibrating anal beads are a blunt instrument,’ he said on the September 20 podcast. 

‘There’s an on switch and an off switch and you can adjust the intensity a little bit, but trying to use vibrating anal beads to communicate about something as complicated as a chess move?

‘Yeah, that did not happen. That could not happen.’ 

The damning report comes after Niemann made headlines in September when chess champion Magnus Carlsen (above) suggested Niemann was a cheater, which culminated in rumors the 19-year-old was using vibrating anal beads to communicate with his coach.

The 19-year-old was forced to submit to a body scan, along with other contestants, at this week’s US championship in St. Louis

The scan came after San-Francisco-born Niemann was accused of cheating using vibrating anal beads

Savage added that vibrating anal beads ‘are relatively loud.’

‘During the hush of a chess match or a golf game you could hear those things. 

‘But because no one checked, this chess prodigy is always going to be the vibrating anal bead chess cheater,’ he said. 

Savage joked that when he had first heard the outlandish allegations he thought it sounded like the ‘Queen’s Gambit sequel we didn’t expect with butt toys instead of blue and green pills.’  In the Netflix series about chess, the main character finds tranquilizers help her learn the game through hallucination.

Niemann has said he would play naked to prove doubters wrong after rumors suggested he could have used the beads, controlled by a third-party, to determine the best moves to make in his match against Carlsen. 

The theory that Niemann used anal beads appears to have been first put forward by Eric Hansen, another chess grandmaster, who suggested he might have used a vibrating sex toy to receive wireless signals.

The comment exploded on Reddit where it sparked furious debate and was even retweeted by Elon Musk on Twitter.

The chief arbiter of the Sinquefield Cup has said there was ‘no indication any player has been playing unfairly’ but that did not stem the controversy.

A Chess.com investigation found that Niemann cheated as recently as 2020 including games where prize money was up for grabs.

The 72-page report said that Niemann privately admitted to cheating and had been banned from the site for a time.

Chess.com is able to use its statistical data about players’ historical performances to determine whether they are playing in a way that is characteristic of themselves, and can compare moves against those which a chess computer would like make to sniff out cheaters

Hans Neimann’s rise in the rankings from the age of 11 to his current age of 19 was meteoric, outshining that of chess legend Bobby Fischer – and arousing suspicion too

The report said: ‘Outside his online play, Hans is the fastest rising top player in classical [over-the-board] chess in modern history.

‘Looking purely at rating, Hans should be classified as a member of this group of top young players. While we don’t doubt that Hans is a talented player, we note that his results are statistically extraordinary’.

Carlsen, who quit a rematch with Niemann in protest, weeks after their September encounter, said that his opponent had cheated ‘more than he has publicly admitted’.

He called Niemann’s progress in the game ‘unusual’ and that he won their game even though he wasn’t really concentrating.

Niemann has said he would ‘never even fathom’ cheating during a real life game even though the Chess.com report says he did just that.

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