CAROLINE BULLOCK: I’m braced for the unhinged abuse… but I must admit I’ve had it with zodiac zealots and their deluded horoscope hysteria – from Gwynnie to Emma Watson and even the moms in my yoga class
‘My boyfriend’s a Leo, and I’m Sagittarius – so we’re both fire signs,’ gushes a mom from my yoga group as if that’s supposed to mean something.
Apparently, this celestial seal of approval is a fast track to happy ever after, the usual guff spouted as gospel by zodiac zealots that leaves my eyes so glazed over the room is a blur.
OK, perhaps in a class of yogis, sucking up a bit of cosmic claptrap is par for the course, but it seems this stuff is spreading like wildfire – and for cynics like me, there’s little escape.
Whether it’s celebrities harping on about ‘Saturn’s Return’ or adverts for ‘astrological life coaches’ being pushed on your Instagram feed, is it no longer possible to make daily decisions without consulting Uranus – or, should I say, talking out of it?
Now of course, I’ll happily admit that I’m partial to a cursory once over of my daily ‘predictions’ as spelled out in the sky.
Indeed, newspaper horoscopes are harmless and highly enjoyable diversions from the daily grind.
But the problem is, somewhere along the way, it’s all got at bit out of hand.
You see, the supposed impact of the stars and moon is even now subject to pseudo-intellectual debate.
‘My boyfriend’s a Leo, and I’m Sagittarius – so we’re both fire signs,’ gushes a mom from my yoga group as if that’s supposed to mean something. (Pictured: Gwyneth Paltrow).
Apparently, this celestial seal of approval is a fast track to happy ever after, the usual guff spouted as gospel by zodiac zealots that leaves my eyes so glazed over the room is a blur.
Take this recent article in The Washington Post by Christine Suggs, a non-binary self-styled ‘cosmic artist’ who blames misogyny for astrology’s ‘shallow and stupid’ reputation.
Article headline: ‘How my queer identity and love for horoscopes intersect.’
In Suggs’s opinion, the target audience of astrology – women and the gay community – makes it prime for derision on a par with romantic fiction.
So, it’s absolutely nothing to do with the total absence of scientific evidence then? Or those all-too-obviously generic, one-size-fits-all horoscope ramblings?
‘[Astrology is] a shortcut to getting to know someone and having the deep conversations I crave. They have taught me to value many different kinds of people, intelligence and friendships,’ Suggs trills.
Deep conversations? Intelligence? What planet are we on, people?
In my experience, star-sign chit-chat is usually something to endure at the hairdressers once you’ve exhausted talk of your upcoming holiday plans and ordered the third latte.
Or it may crop up as one of those desperate social gatherings that none one wants to be at and when you can’t think of anything else to say.
It’s on par with a bad first date asking: ‘If you can be any animal, what would you be?’ Bore off. Taxi, please!
After all, any rational person can surely see this nonsense for what it is.
Or so you’d think… The astrology industry is now worth a reported $2.2 billion. A staggering figure – and it’s rising fast.
People point to Gen-Z’s obsession with Astro-influencers on TikTok as a major force behind the growth.
Clearly, then, gullibility is as ripe for monetizing as ever, harnessed by all the usual suspects.
Yes, I’m looking at you and your Goop ‘moonstone chakra bracelets’ (final SALE price $8,700), Gwyneth Paltrow.
Clearly, gullibility is as ripe for monetizing as ever, harnessed by all the usual suspects. Yes, I’m looking at you, Gwyneth Paltrow.
But it’s not just Gwynnie: celebs are queuing around the block to have their bite of the dollar-stuffed spiritual pie.
Personally, I blame the late, great Princess Diana, who famously employed a personal astrologer for six years in a bid to navigate the trials of one of the world’s most public marriage breakdowns.
While it raised a fair few eyebrows in the ’90s, many have since jumped on the bandwagon.
Often on her own planet, Harry Potter starlet Emma Watson is a case in point, following Adele and Katy Perry’s lead to cite the influence of ‘Saturn’s Return’ (me neither) on her life.
For the unindoctrinated, I’m told this astrological phenomenon occurs roughly every 30 years when the planet returns to the same position in the sky as when you were born. It’s said to spark major life changes.
Some of us used to call it an early midlife crisis.
In a rambling post on social media to mark her 33rd birthday, Watson credited Saturn (a planet some 887 million miles from Earth) with helping her ‘learn more about love and being a woman.’
Helpfully, she included a braggy list of her professional and personal achievements to date: from directing her first commercial to setting up a women’s environmental investment fund, all of which ended with a big shout-out to the post’s paymaster, Prada.
But it’s not just Gwynnie: Often on her own planet, Harry Potter starlet Emma Watson (pictured) is a case in point, following Adele and Katy Perry’s lead to cite the influence of ‘Saturn’s Return’ on her life.
As I say, (tarot) cards on the table, I confess that I’m not completely immune to the quirky lure of the horoscope. But I’m talking very small, skeptical doses.
For that’s where it should end.
Many people will likely hate me for saying it, but astrology should be nothing more than mystical whimsy – and it’s certainly not a set of rules to live your life by.
It’s time we all got a sense of perspective and stopped relying on fictional forecasts to solve our personal crises.
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