Written by Leah Sinclair
Stylist spoke to relationship expert and matchmaker Sarah Louise Ryan about the signs of dating a people pleaser, how to address it and how a couple can move forward.
When we’re in a relationship or dating someone for an extended period of time, we begin to pick up on things that we maybe didn’t notice during those blissful early months.
Whether it’s pet peeves like leaving their laundry on the floor or putting dishes on the side instead of in the sink, these little quirks are often detectable once you’re fully immersed into this person and are beginning to see more of who they are as time goes on.
But what about the pet peeves that are actually a much bigger deal than snoring or being on the phone too long? The things that can be far more detrimental to your relationship and to their own wellbeing.
One of those things can be people pleasing. While people pleasing or “being too nice” could be seen as a sign of someone who is a really good person and cares for others, their ability to bend backwards for other people, not say no and struggle to have boundaries with others can actually be a big red flag and cause issues in a relationship in the long term if left unacknowledged.
“A people pleaser more often than not doesn’t have large amounts of confidence and so attacking their thought processes around people pleasing is not going to be helpful,” says dating expert and matchmaker Sarah Louise Ryan.
“Sometimes it can stem from psychological trauma and a need to be seen, liked, heard or have a sense of belonging with others from a time in life they didn’t feel they had it.”
So what are the signs that the person you’re seeing is a people pleaser and how can you approach it in a way that they don’t feel offended? Well, Ryan has given us the rundown on it all, as well as how it can affect your relationship if left undetected and how a couple can work through this together.
What are the signs that i’m dating a people pleaser?
They don’t parttake in making decisions
“When you’re dating a people pleaser, you may find that they don’t want to take any responsibility for decisions or parttake in decision-making processes alone,” says Ryan. “This can be due to fear of getting it wrong, not pleasing the other person or ultimately rejection if they don’t quite get the planning ‘right’.”
Ryan says this can range from small decisions like what to eat to bigger decisions such as what to do on date night or for trips away.
They struggle to say ‘no’
Another sign you’re dating a people pleaser is that they struggle to say no to other people they are surrounded by in their personal or professional life.
“When they struggle to say ‘no’ they will end up parttaking in plans they don’t have any desire to be part of which will impede on your time together,” warns Ryan. “Additionally, you might then find that when they are their most authentic self with you, that they complain about those plans.”
They apologise too much
“A people pleaser might apologise often for all sorts of things and their go-to word may be ‘sorry’ and used way too often.”
Ryan says this is often because they want to ensure they are always getting it right for other people and they ignore their own needs and integrity for themselves.
They have little boundaries
“A people pleaser will have very little boundaries which might show up with people taking advantage of them either consciously or subconsciously,” admits Ryan. That means a people pleaser will go out of their way to do things for others not out of genuine care but because they need to be needed, wanted which translates to them as being ‘liked’.”
Struggle to share their opinion
Some people pleasers have little sense of self so they may always ask “what would you like to do” instead of listing the things they are excited, passionate and interested to do in your dating journey.
“Ultimately they defer responsibility so they don’t have to take any themselves,” comments Ryan. “Often, it will be the case that a people pleaser isn’t connected to what they are passionate about because they spend so much time trying to please others than create a life that they love for themselves.”
How can dating a people pleaser have a long term negative effect on a relationship?
For two people to have the legs to run the distance romantically they both need to know themselves and be themselves fully so they can both show up to the relationship authentically – and when dating a people pleaser, this can be a challenge.
“At some point being a people pleaser can become exhausting and lead to emotional burnout,” reveals Ryan. “This might show up in the relationship as a people pleaser not being too sure of who they truly are, what their needs are or what they want. They will have to search to find themselves and create boundaries, pushing aside the noise of all the demands that other people place on them.”
Ryan says that when someone becomes aware of their people pleasing ways and wants to become a recovered people pleaser, there will be an increase in confidence and a more “self-assured nature”.
What is the best way to address this issue with your partner so they don’t feel attacked?
Bringing up an issue with a partner – particularly when it relates to the core of who they are as a person – is not easy. But, as Ryan notes, a good starting point to open up the conversation is to draw their attention to people pleasing.
“Ask questions rather than making statements would be the best starting point,” she advises. “This will help them reflect and start to change should they feel that’s something they would like to do for themselves.”
Ryan adds that people pleasers often don’t make decisions themselves or feel comfortable saying no because they aren’t confident enough or don’t trust themselves enough to “make the right decision”.
“Over time this lack of trust in one’s decision-making processes will chip away at person self-esteem. There’s a cycle they get stuck in which is in their comfort zone of people pleasing. Saying no, pushing back and speaking out about what they want or desire is a scary place beyond their comfort zone so they continue on people pleasing, taking on more and more from other people and becoming less and less aware of themselves and their needs.”
How can a couple work through the issue of people pleasing together?
“A couple can work through this together by firstly acknowledging it as an element that isn’t serving the relationship and then secondly being inclusive of the language that is used,” says Ryan.
“Approach it as a ‘we’ situation rather than a ‘you’ and ‘I’ situation so the person who wants to make changes doesn’t feel like there is a barrage of judgement against their character or behaviours.
“People pleasing can root way beyond the surface of giving away time to others so approach it kindly, calmly and with the sensitivity it needs. Furthermore, making sure the people pleaser realises that it’s a journey to recovery and regaining their sense of self and stepping into their power as a person that pursues their own passions, communicates their own needs and doesn’t really care too much what others think or feel about them.”
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