Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Expert outlines condition
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Narcissists aren’t just people who are self-obsessed, they have extremely dangerous personality traits and can be abusive to those closest to them. It can often be very difficult to pick up on narcissistic behaviour early on in a relationship – especially if the abuser does not want you to see their controlling ways. And, each of the early warning signs of narcissism may not stand out on their own as a definitive sign. To really know the person in your life is a narcissist, you need to be aware of patterns of traits as they may be a lot easier to spot. Express.co.uk chatted to Relationship Psychotherapist, Heather Garbutt www.heathergarbutt.com, to find out the three big signs to look out for.
When it comes to spotting a narcissist, Relationship Psychotherapist Heather Garbutt advises watching out for the three Bs – behaviours, beliefs and boundaries.
‘Behaviours’ refers to the ways the person acts and things they do or don’t do, while beliefs are about the belief systems that underpin the way they act and think.
Narcissists boundaries are also an important thing to note, so you’ll need to think about how respectful they are of your boundaries and of your separateness.
Heather has broken down each of these red flags so you know EXACTLY what to look for.
Behaviours
Heather has listed 11 behaviours that could signal that someone is a narcissist:
Grooming
Many abusive relationships start off with a period of “grooming” type behaviour.
These types of behaviours are where the person always shows the best side of them – and leaves the other person believing that they have found their “soulmate” or the “love of their life”.
The narcissist often finds out early in the relationship what the dreams are for the other person.-
The narcissist wants to know how YOU like to be treated, what is important to you, your love language and so on and then they then make a deliberate effort to meet these needs.
In doing so, they manage to lock in a dynamic where the other person “falls in love with them” and can’t believe how well they know them and how invested they are.
The relationship can feel “too good to be true” at this stage – and that is because it is.
Try to be aware of this dynamic as it may speak to something quite deliberate.
Likes to spend time with you alone
While every new relationship needs time alone together to grow and learn about each other, the narcissist will make a special point of wanting to “whisk you away” to spend special time alone.
While this may initially feel incredibly special, it can indicate traits of possessiveness and may indicate the start of socially isolating you.
A good way to check this out is to see if the person is happy for you to see your friends and family whenever you like – if they start to pick on you for going out without them – that would definitely be something to be wary about.
They have been a victim in previous relationships
Abusive people often blame others for what happens to them, and they also play the role of the victim in order to gain sympathy and groom others – that is part of the domestic violence dynamic.
If the new person in your life says their previous partners were abusive and they were the victim of their abuse – while this may be true – it can also be a “red flag” that they may have been the abuser (and are trying to gain your sympathy).
Do they lose their temper over small things – or when things don’t go their way?
The lack of emotional control when things are “out of their control” can be a tell-tale sign.
Narcissists have a goal to control their intimate partners – and when they don’t have control – this can trigger an outburst.
Do they tease you about things that are special about you – making you feel uncomfortable?
Teasing you about things you are sensitive about – and if they don’t stop when you ask them – can be a form of emotional abuse.
It makes you feel embarrassed and small, and reinforces feelings of inferiority and being exposed.
Do they speak over the top of you – or always need to be right/or heard?
This comes from a belief system that “you don’t matter (and I do)”.
This can always take the form of “always having the last say” or making sure they argue with you until you concede.
Do they put you down – or pick on you in small ways – that undermine your confidence?
This can happen in many ways – some ways include: correcting what you say – both in public and private; teasing you when they know you are uncomfortable; mocking you; calling you silly or suggesting you don’t know things you do know; picking on things related to your work etc.
Do they tell you what you like, need or think?
Do they comment on what you wear – and start to pick out your clothing?
This might actually feel nice at the start of the relationship as they are taking an interest in what you are wearing, however it is controlling when they tell you what to wear in certain circumstances.
For example, they might accuse you of dressing in a seductive way, make negative comments about your appearance, or make extremely positive comments about the appearance of other people they find attractive.
Do they insist on knowing where you are – and who you are with?
This can seem protective and caring at the start of a relationship.
However, it can progress to behaviours such as: texting you constantly to check what you are doing, ringing you to see who you are with, intruding on your time with friends by ringing constantly or having problems that they need your help with.
Are they jealous – or accuse you of seeing other people?
This can also seem “caring “ at first as they are keen to be in an exclusive relationship with you – however it can be extremely abusive.
This can look like: suggesting you are flirting with another person when you are out, accusing you of flirting/being in love with people from work, insisting that you stop having relationships with certain people etc.
Beliefs
Many narcissists hold the same beliefs, Heather asked:
- Do they appear to hold very fixed or rigid beliefs about the roles of men and women, partners in a relationship?
- Do they have very clear beliefs about their rights – and about your responsibilities?
- Do they make negative comments about women/men – or show distaste for powerful independent women/men?
- Do they have beliefs around their right to have sex – even if you don’t feel like it?
- Do they have a belief system that is entitled to many things – such as: I will spend my money how I want, I will look at who I want, I will spend time with who I want etc…
Boundaries
People that are narcissists will violate the boundaries of others. Early on in a relationship, this can look like:
- Getting close and intimate with you very quickly (linked to grooming)
- Wanting to do everything together
- Wanting access to your body – even if you are not interested, or tired
- Wanting to have a very strong boundary around the relationship – that excludes everyone else (especially people that are important to you)
- Not respecting your “no”. This can be very obvious or it may be more subtle – for example when you say no they may spend a lot of time “jollying” you to change your mind, or play the victim to get you to change your position on something.
What to do if you’re in a narcissistic relationship
Recovery from a narcissistic relationship can take many forms, and the person will often need support in order to walk through the steps of healing.
Heather advised: “One of the very first steps is to name the abusive behaviour and place the responsibility for the abuse straight back to the narcissist – not carry it yourself.
“The narcissist will blame the victim for the abuse itself – and the victim needs to name the abuse clearly, who is responsible and then work to tackle the internal voice inside them that says it was really their fault.
“Remember –this internal voice is actually the voice of the narcissist living rent-free in your head and costing your mental wellness – this will take time to let go of because you have probably come to believe it too, however it is an extremely important step.”
Other important ways to take steps towards healing to involve:
- Understanding the tactics of the narcissist – how they groom and entrap the victim and how they reduce the self-esteem of the victim so much that they are unable to see the dynamic they are in (and therefore leave)
- Place the responsibility for the abuse onto the narcissist (and not on themselves)
- Get a clear sense of what being safe looks like, and be able to take the steps to be safe (even if that makes the partner angry)
- No longer listen to the internalised voice of the abuser – naming that voice as the narcissist’s voice, and then “calling it out” and getting rid of it
- Socialising and seeing friends and family again – especially all of those people the partner didn’t like and attempted to poison your mind against
- Regaining your sense of self – this can take time and can take many forms. Many people get back in touch with who they were before the relationship and think about what they enjoyed – and start getting back into those things. Choosing for yourself is the most important thing.
- Regaining your boundaries – understanding where you “start and stop’ and that you have the right to be in charge of your body, your money, your time, your choices.
- Getting in touch with your rights as a person- for respect, love, appreciation, recognition and value
- Getting angry – use this as fuel for change and separate from your relationship with the narcissist.
- Connecting with yourself again – your feelings, needs and desires.
Don’t tell your partner if you are planning to leave.
Heather said: “Get all the support in place beforehand so that you can just go without fear of further abuse.”
Sometimes it does take a few attempts to leave because you may begin to see the narcissist’s view of you as the truth, that no one else will want you, that you’re not good enough to live on your own or have a life on your own, or that you won’t be able to manage without them.
Heather added: “There is also a tricky hormonal issue; when we leave, we can miss the person we originally fell in love with.
“Oxytocin can be triggered by those memories and feelings so we can often feel longing.
“Narcissists often play into this by blowing hot and cold, that cycle of love-bombing, making you feel you’re the most important person in the world to them which reinforces attachment.
“Once they feel they’ve got you, the abuse will begin again.”
Whatever you’re going through, you can call Samaritans free any time on 116 123 or email [email protected].
You can also contact Refuge, a dedicated domestic abuse hotline via 0808 2000 247 or visit the Refuge website here.
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