Enduring family drama can be taxing at the best of times – especially when estrangement is involved.
But being the one caught between the drama can also be difficult.
If you’re finding yourself stepping into the role of mediator, it all becomes a whole new level of burden.
You’re probably doing it with the best of intentions – after all, who doesn’t want to help their family get along?
But it takes a toll.
Counselling Directory member Rebecca Vivash says she’s seen plenty of clients who are ‘utterly drained’ because of their role as peacekeeper, and yet they still feel anxiety over the idea of letting that role go.
‘Being the family mediator can be a way of protecting ourselves from being the direct target of criticism,’ she explains.
‘The problem here is that being a go-between will likely involve hearing some unfavourable comments from both parties. As well as being hard to absorb when your loved ones are involved, you might also find yourself being hyper-vigilant around your own communication in case you inadvertently say something that could be construed as siding with either party.’
She’s also had clients who felt like their role as mediator in the family, while stressful, gave them a certain level of ‘status in their family system’
‘A sense of being needed and important,’ she adds.
‘Relinquishing the “fixer” role can lead you to fear where that leaves you in terms of how your family value you – what if you are now redundant to them, or worse still, what if they turn against you for rejecting their demand to sort out the family drama?’
So how can you go about making family life easier to manage? As with so many things, the answer revolves around boundaries.
‘If you find yourself in the middle, or a moderator of family drama, the first thing you must always do is look after your own wellbeing,’ stresses Life Coach Directory member Sian Winslade. ‘You can listen to both sides of the story, but you must create some clear boundaries for yourself.’
Rebecca agrees, saying: ‘Ultimately, the dynamic can only shift if you are willing to instill boundaries with your family members.’
So how can we do this?
First, Rebecca recommends trying to support, rather than fix.
‘Set out realistic expectations about resolution,’ she advises. ‘More often than not time and space are needed for both parties to reflect.
‘Some estrangements can take years to resolve. This is normal.’
Instead, offer, as Rebecca puts it, ‘an empathic listening ear without agreeing to pass on messages or add in your own opinions around the conflict or drama.’
We should also make an effort to be assertive and avoid assigning blame.
‘We can become caught up in a game of sorts whereby we collude with placing responsibility for conflict on one party or the other,’ Rebecca explains.
‘Being assertive can simply mean refusing to be drawn into a blame game. Communicate a clear boundary of “I’m not willing to take sides”, or “I’m willing to listen, but please don’t ask me to give you my opinion, or deliver messages”.’
And, as Sian also stresses, remember that estrangement is nothing to be embarrassed about.
‘Estrangement occurs in one in five families and should not be a source of shame,’ she adds.
‘Shame breeds in the dark so be honest and open to others about the situation.
‘There will likely be other people going through the same or similar situations who can support you.’
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