Every couple has their moments.
Each pairing has unique idiosyncrasies and arguments, which arise from time to time.
However, sometimes, these instances can become toxic.
Communications lines become muddled and instead of being resolved, these facets of a relationship can end up being detrimental to a bond.
It goes without saying that if a relationship has become mentally, emotionally or physically abusive, there is no coming back and the link must be broken immediately.
But if the partnership has become toxic for other reasons, is there a way to fix it and come out stronger on the other side?
Experts suggest a few things to consider.
Try and see the situation for how it is
Dating and relationship expert Sarah Louise Ryan, says toxicity grows out of issues like resentment and virulent communication habits.
‘Individuals and couples often look at “what if” rather than being present with “what is” and so then their communication can be catastrophic or sensationalised,’ she tells Metro.co.uk
‘They often look back at the past and how they could have done things differently or the future and how things may be. This space between what is and what if causes grey areas, confusion and disconnect.
‘One major thing I see with couples that are experiencing troubles in their relationship is thinking that they are so “one” that they can predict what their partner is thinking and feeling.
‘While we are deeply connected to our romantic partners we must never forget that we are individual human beings and we have autonomy of our own thoughts, feelings and actions – we should speak for ourselves only ever, not on behalf of our partners.’
She continues: ‘Resentment, no respect of boundaries, avoidance, withdrawal and silence are all toxic habits. While not letting go of issues and conversations that have been “put to bed” conversationally is also like poison. It’s important that when couples agree to forgive and move forward that they do just that.
‘Otherwise they are holding themselves back from connection on a deep level.’
Snap out of learned habits
According to some experts, toxic habits can be learned or generational, but they can alter over time and be influenced by other life experiences, too.
‘As humans we aren’t static and habits change over time as we develop new understandings, skills, and relationships,’ says relationship expert Ness Cooper.
‘There are sometimes generational, familial and social influences as to what is seen as toxic or not, but an individual will always have the chance to work through these even if they feel ingrained.’
Ness also notes that younger couples are sometimes more susceptible to toxicity in partnerships.
‘They can be more influenced by external factors such as peers and family,’ she explains.
‘Having to navigate these while also working through a relationship can be a lot. On top of this, the structures others place upon our relationships can force toxicity.
‘Younger individuals may find it harder to not follow their family and peers expectations when it comes to relationships.’
It will take work
Despite this, both Ness and Sarah believe couples have the power to overcome toxicity but it takes change, work and a lot of personal responsibility.
‘Toxicity, I believe, can only be fixed if couples find a way to come back to each other and figure out exactly what it is that they appreciate about the other,’ Sarah explains.
‘As an Imago Relationship Coach, I work on the principles of relentless positivity to appreciate one another.
‘Daily, weekly and monthly appreciations about what couples like about each other in a safe, structured and authentic way can recreate connection. When couples focus on the positives and keep reinforcing those, the negativity and disconnection will eventually fall by the wayside.’
There’s hope if problems are acknowledged
Meanwhile, psychotherapist Noel McDermott says if the problems are acknowledged by both parties, there is hope.
‘People can learn new behaviours and ways of communicating, even if these are deeply ingrained from a dysfunctional childhood for example,’ he explains.
‘Often being able to acknowledge by apologising to others for the behaviour is enough. But usually, it’s important to learn how to behave in healthier ways. Therapy is a good option for couples who want to change.
‘Where it can’t be fixed is situations in which the toxicity is denied, or where the behaviour is something a person does not wish to change because they experience it as useful to themselves.’
And so, can overcoming toxic phases in relationships make a couple stronger?
Well, like any issue overcome by both in the partnership, a more secure future lies ahead.
‘A general rule in relationships is that repairing a rupture will deepen and strengthen the relationship,’ he Noel says.
‘Ruptures are repaired by honest and open sharing of vulnerability and being human and fallible.
‘When we can acknowledge we were wrong and work to improve or change it, relationships grow stronger and the love deepens.’
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