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It’s either goofs, gaffes or goo. Sooner or later, humans somehow step in gunk.
If you can bring yourself to recall Jussie Smollett, think how that once-upon-a-whatever thing he got mixed in killed off his career . . . Hark back to 1988 when pre-hotshot Mark Wahlberg did time in a correctional facility . . . Heard of Amber Heard versus Johnny Depp? . . . How about Bess Myerson’s shoplifting? How about Winona Ryder’s equal little habit in Beverly Hills’ Saks Fifth? There’s always Lindsay Lohan, so busy with her burgeoning career that she somehow accidentally exited a jewelry shop while wearing one of its necklaces. Martha Stewart, we read about. Tim Allen? Drugs. Snoop Dogg? Drugs. Hey, there’s no business like snow business.
Tupac Shakur had a gig in the can. Lil’ Kim served 10 months for a li’l grand jury dust-up about recalling the truth. Flavor Flav? Pleaded guilty to assaulting a girlfriend and served 30 days. Forever awful hideous disgusting O.J. remains forever awful hideous and disgusting. Bill Cosby’s behind bars. Always in some difficulty, several women say Cuba Gooding’s not always doing gooding, although he denies it. The late record producer Phil Spector got put away for shooting actress Lana Clarkson. And TV’s Robert Blake, who people thought possibly shot his wife, although he was acquitted. Wesley Snipes’ problem was arithmetic. Taxes. Robert Downey Jr. — drugs. Bad boy Tommy Lee got a smacking for whacking then-wife Pamela Anderson.
Felicity Huffman, Lori Loughlin — I mean, please. Really? Please.
Awkward accounts
How about lousy embarrassing moments? Jennifer Lawrence tripping up the stairs to collect her Oscar. Or Super Bowl halftime when Janet Jackson’s right boob got a TV close-up due to Justin Timberlake somehow uncovering it. Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty shoving Best Picture to the wrong picture? Leave nobody forget elder President George Bush, in Tokyo, whoopsing right onto the Japanese prime minister.
And let us not overlook Hugh Jackman in romantic comedy “Someone Like You.” Bedroom scene. He’s in underwear. Shorts. A button loosened. Something peeked out, and co-star Ashley Judd’s murmur: “Two takes before was when I noticed it.”One year, Meryl Streep — who has grabbed Oscar 21 nominations and a crateload of wins — left her winning golden statuette standing all by itself, alone, unloved, when she let herself out of the ladies’ room. How about John Travolta introducing Idina Menzel’s performance but mangling her name, which came out as “Adele Dazeem?” And when on a red carpet Zac Efron stuck his hand in his pocket and inadvertently pulled out a condom?
Trouble has a long history
Hollywood going to hell started in the ’20s with its first million-dollar movie star — silent comedy’s Roscoe Arbuckle. One of nine kids, born at 16 pounds, he added weight from then on. At a bootleg booze-soused party, an actress somehow got dead. He was tried three times. First-degree murder. Hung juries. The charges were reduced to manslaughter. But definitely no longer alive was his career.
Shakira once found herself in a courtroom in Spain to “help clarify the facts over her tax situation” . . . And in 2018, Heather Locklear was arrested for an alphabet of no-nos, including battery and obstructing a police officer. In 2019, she pleaded no contest to charges stemming from that arrest and was sentenced to 30 days in a mental- health facility.
Nobody’s exempt
There was Madonna dancing, singing and cavorting onstage when, as rehearsed, a backup dancer pulled back her cape — but with such strength that the thing fell down — and so did she. How about Shia LaBeouf drunk?Junk happens to us all. In 1953, long before NYC christened his namesake airport, there was Mayor Fiorello LaGuardia. Hizzoner the Little Flower was on the radio. And in his high squeaky voice Hizzoner actually decided to read us the comic strips.
Ugh, please, only in New York, kids, only in New York.
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