It’s always a bonus when your partner is close with their parents, but ideally this relationship is more akin to David and Moira Rose from Schitt’s Creek than Norman Bates and his mum.
Unfortunately, though, not everyone is blessed with accommodating in-laws, as new research shows.
A recent survey by Dating.com revealed that 67% have dated a person whose relationship with their mother negatively impacted the romantic relationship, while 56% saying their ex’s ‘overbearing’ mum was the main reason for their eventual breakup.
Just under half of the 5,000 active users who took part in the study said their partner’s mother tried to intervene in the couple’s business, with 62% claiming their ‘mama’s boy’ ex expected them to handle all household chores on their own.
With that in mind, it makes sense that 78% of daters would steer clear of someone they consider to be ‘overly close’ to their mother in future.
‘Being in a relationship with a partner that has an overbearing mother can be draining, and displaying characteristics of being a “mama’s boy” or a “mama’s girl” is a big red flag for many,’ said Maria Sullivan, Dating Expert and Vice President of Dating.com.
‘When a person’s relationship with their mother or parent begins to have lasting negative effects on their romantic relationships and dating life, there may be a real need for this person to reevaluate their boundaries.’
A lack of independence and the inability to make decisions alone were voted the top most toxic traits, but the vast majority also said their partner didn’t know how to use a dishwasher or do laundry, which is a surefire route to the ick for many.
The mama’s boy trope can be seen throughout films and TV – there’s even a show called I Love a Mama’s Boy dedicated to the phenomenon – but it’s not an issue exclusive to men. Toxic maternal relationships can rear their head in all families, although daughters often experience this differently to sons.
However, a domineering in-law is not something you have to put up with – and it’s important to nip things in the bud if you want to avoid drama.
Maria has offered her tips for overcoming a partner’s problematic mother, which has the added benefit of ensuring you don’t turn into a carbon copy of her yourself.
Communicate concerns early on
As mentioned, it’s vital you let your partner know your boundaries early regarding their family. That way, they can have your back in any conflicts that arise and not have to guess how you’re feeling.
‘If their mum or parent is overbearing, you will need to navigate the situation together,’ says Maria.
‘Be vocal if your boundaries are being crossed. If you keep your concerns to yourself, this will create bigger issues down the line that might not be as easy to control. ‘
Don’t completely shut out their mum
‘While it can be overwhelming and stressful, it’s still important to create some sort of bond with a potential in-law’ says Maria.
Essentially, if you love your partner, you have to accept their parental relationships – even if you’re not part of them.
Maria adds: ‘Compromise with your partner on an arrangement that works for both of you. This might mean your partner is seeing their mum or parents without you, sometimes or most of the time.’
Encourage their independence
If you baby your mama’s boy/girl, you’re only fuelling the cycle of dependence.
‘Typical mama’s boys and mama’s girls are used to having everything done for them – laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc,’ Maria explains.
‘If you find yourself in a relationship with a person that thinks you will take over the tasks and chores their mother or father previously handled for them, set clear expectations for them.
‘If you keep babying them, this will perpetuate issues that might not be as easy to correct down the line.’
Don’t accept excuses like ‘I don’t know how’ or weaponised incompetence. Show them how a task is done once, and never complete it for them in aid of ‘a quiet life.’
Don’t make it a competition
‘When you’re dealing with a mama’s boy or mama’s girl, it’s likely that they’ll often choose their mother’s side over anyone else’s,’ says Maria.
‘Try your best not to view this as a competition, being that you’ll likely be left disappointed if you force them to choose.
‘As long as your partner is consistently giving due attention to you, aim to focus on the positive.’
Joining a partner’s family is supposed to be a beautiful thing, so avoid conflict wherever you can but stand up for yourself when necessary. Your mollycoddling mother-in-law will back down eventually.
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