‘Dear Lala, I feel trapped by my boyfriend with Borderline Personality Disorder…’

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Dear Lala…

I've been dating a man since 2018. The first part of our relationship was long distance but at the start of 2021, I moved to his country to be with him.

He always said he would never move to where I was because he couldn't leave his friends and job (I have the ability to work from anywhere in the world).

Our relationship has been tumultuous from the start. He has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and is constantly getting angry or annoyed at me for the smallest things. Everything from the way I laugh to the way I express myself when I have negative emotions.

It's gotten to the point where I don't have trust in any of the nice things he does – like make me breakfast or buy me a drink – because he tends to throw it in my face later.

Lately, he's been angry with me because I make less money than him. I've been trying to find a new job but it's difficult in a country where I don't even speak the language.

I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells but I also think if I were better somehow, and better at dealing with BPD, the relationship would be better.

Either way, I spent all my savings moving here and have no resources to leave or build a life on my own here. I feel trapped and I don't know what to do.

Lala says…

This sounds so tough. Firstly, I think it’s important to explain a bit about BPD. The NHS website states: "Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a disorder of mood and how a person interacts with others. It's the most commonly recognised personality disorder.

"In general, someone with apersonality disorderwill differ significantly from an average person in terms of how he or she thinks, perceives, feels or relates to others."

The symptoms of a personality disorder may range from mild to severe and usually emerge in adolescence, persisting into adulthood.

Symptoms of borderline personality disorder (BPD)

These can be grouped into four main areas:

• emotional instability – the psychological term for this is affective dysregulation

• disturbed patterns of thinking or perception – cognitive distortions or perceptual distortions

• impulsive behaviour

• intense but unstable relationships with others

BPD certainly does have an impact on relationships and can make them very difficult, and turbulent, but it doesn't excuse abuse. I think it’s a good idea to think about how this would all sound if you took his mental health issues out of it.

Imagine the letter above with no mention of BPD. What would you say to someone who described their relationship like that to you?

I’d be telling them to seek support and to make plans to leave because this all sounds very worrying to me. It sounds like an emotionally abusive relationship where you’re being held hostage to his moods.

It sounds unpleasant and stressful, and like it’s chipping away at your self-esteem and confidence. It doesn’t sound anything like how a relationship should be.

Of course, all relationships have ups and downs, and sometimes there are challenges. But the way you’ve described your relationship sounds as though you’re predominantly experiencing downs and that there is little room for things to improve.

You didn’t mention whether your partner is getting any support for his mental health. If he isn’t, then he urgently needs it. Though if he isn’t, then that’s a strong indication that he’s not taking responsibility or accountability for himself and the way he shows up in your relationship.

It’d be a huge red flag for him to blame his behaviour on his BPD whilst not actively seeking help for his BPD. If he’s currently accessing mental health services and his behaviour remains like this, then that’s also a red flag, it means that there’s little scope for change.

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I spoke to psychiatric Doctor Mia Phumza to get some perspective from a mental health expert. She said: “Firstly, medication doesn’t treat BPD. It can make some of the issues a little less intense but ultimately it requires years and years of ongoing therapy to treat. However, the fact that he is employed and has friends, and a long-term relationship really goes against what we know about full-blown BPD.

“People with the full-blown disorder are very rarely that functional, though he may have lots of the traits and would still require therapy to even things out for him.

“By definition, BPD is highly likely to cause unstable relationships, but he seems to have strong friendships, so the BPD does not explain his behaviour away. If he truly has full-blown BPD then she should expect the relationship to continue to be somewhat unstable.

“People with BPD can often use manipulation as a way of getting love, they believe it’s the only way. It’s very sad, and I have a lot of sympathy for those trying their best to manage their disorder."

But it can be very difficult to maintain a healthy relationship with a person living with BPD unless you have an extremely secure attachment yourself and were able to have very solid boundaries, and they were committed to therapy.

"It can be difficult to enforce boundaries in a relationship with a person with BPD because they may see boundaries as rejection and may escalate their dysfunctional behaviour in response," Doctor Mia continued.

"Being angry with her for making less money than him is not a feature of BPD. The fact that his behaviour is making her blame herself suggests that she may be quite vulnerable and that this relationship is a recipe for disaster.

“Their only hope would be couples therapy or him getting his own therapy. Not that I think she should waste her time waiting for that. BPD doesn’t excuse the behaviour – it explains his unhappiness, emptiness, emotional dysregulation, self-harm etc – but what he actually does with that is on him.”

I also spoke with Leanne Dawson. Leanne lives with BPD and is part of her local BPD support group.

Leanne said: “BPD causes very black and white thinking, meaning that if he sees you as a negative in his life, or the cause of negativity within his life, rather than his mental illness being the negative, then it’ll be very hard to change that.

“You will end up doing backflips through rings to meet his needs. I’m sure that he can also probably be really lovely, but he can, and will, be triggered by the slightest of things.

"For example, if he needs a certain type of reassurance and she doesn’t give it exactly how he needs it then he is likely to see her as the problem rather than being able to rationalise it as an issue resulting from his BPD, if that makes sense.

“BPD makes relationships hard because, quite simply, it’s a chemical imbalance within the brain caused by previous trauma and negative past relationships. The main triggers are often fear of abandonment and not being good enough, whilst also not letting people get close to us because we don’t want to be rejected or abandoned.

“But annoyingly, when our BPD is out of control, our behaviour is the exact thing that causes us to be abandoned and it’s such an awful thing. My local mental health team referred me to a course called ‘Understanding my BPD’. It’s a class where you learn why you feel the way you do and how to gain control of it – he’d really benefit from accessing something like that.

“Without therapy and support I believe that a healthy relationship with BPD is pretty much impossible. He needs therapy and support to understand why his head works the way it does, and how to differentiate between what is real and what is actually just his BPD.”

People with BPD are deserving of love, care and patience and if they’re committed to doing the work, getting the right support, and gaining control of their mental health, then they can be loving partners.

But nobody should be expected to put up with abusive and toxic behaviour just because their partner has a mental health disorder that can impact on their relationships. You’ve done your best, you’ve tried to support him, you’ve put up with his crap, but now my best advice to you is to get out.

You deserve peace. You deserve to feel like you are loved and appreciated and free to be you. He has made a choice to treat you this way and I don’t think things will get any better. You don’t need to be better at dealing with BPD, he does.

I understand that you feel trapped, but it’s likely that you will be able to find solutions for being able to leave. Do you have friends or family who could pay for your flights home?

I know it can feel awkward to ask, but I think anyone who cares for you would be happy to help you to get out of this situation. I would really recommend reaching out and opening up to your loved ones if you can, I’m sure they will want to assist you.

If that’s not possible, I would recommend contacting the British embassy where you are and explaining to them that you’re experiencing domestic abuse and you need help to get home. The Foreign Commonwealth Office has a duty to assess British nationals who are vulnerable abroad and to assist them to return home. You could even take out a credit card solely to pay for your return.

You’ve been there for a year now and things sound like they’ve just got harder. If he’s not currently engaged with mental health services, then you might be thinking ‘Let me just wait around to see if he will engage and see if that helps’ but what would be the cost to you?

This is not a situation that you could bring children into and so you can’t begin to think about a future with him (if you want children that is).

How many years of walking on eggshells could you take while waiting for him to learn to manage his symptoms? And what if he gets all the therapy and all the support and at the end of it, he remains the same because actually he’s just a massive di**head and this is nothing to do with his BPD?

You get one short life and right now it is being diminished by someone else. Start putting yourself first so that you can start living.

Follow @Lalalaletmeexplain on Instagram for more advice on sex and relationships. Have a question for Lala? Email [email protected].

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