Breakups are painful. Sex afterwards can be complicated.
Most people will be told at some stage that the best way to get over someone is to ‘get under someone’ new.
In some ways, good sex with a new face can help to put an ex in the past and be a reminder there are plenty of other people to meet.
However, if you’re not ready, sex with someone new can simply be a painful reminder that you’re not having sex with the person you truly want.
So, when is ‘getting under someone’ to get over someone actually a good idea?
Kate Moyle, a psycho-sexologist working with sexual wellness brand LELO, tells us: ‘The only person who is going to really know how you are feeling post-breakup is you.
‘When it comes to our sex lives the most important thing is that we are focusing on what we are doing, and how we are feeling and not hypothetically comparing ourselves against others.
‘Sex and pleasure can offer us a welcome distraction from the emotions commonly associated-with-breakups-feelings, and they can help us connect with ourselves sexually feeling desire and desired.
‘On the flipside, we can also open ourselves up to the risk of being emotionally hurt at a time which we may be feeling more vulnerable, and so that’s something to be mindful of in terms of how secure you are feeling in yourself and if you’re ready.’
How to get back out there if you feel disconnected sexually
A bad breakup might leave you feeling disconnected from your sexuality or unaroused, even if sex is what you want.
Kate Moyle advises:
- ‘Take your time and don’t feel under any pressure to rush into anything. You may decide in the moment that you are ready to have sex with a new partner, and you may upon meeting someone realise that you aren’t ready.’
- ‘It’s not a linear process, and you shouldn’t expect it to be one.’
- ‘You can have sexual pleasure and a sexual relationship with yourself without a partner, and this can play a part in you feeling more ready and confident again.’
- ‘Building a relationship with your body, with touch and self pleasure can make you feel good about yourself and there are brilliant apps and products that can help to guide you such as Ferly app, and sex toys if you want to add different elements and sensations into your solo sex life.’
Sex can be a really positive thing in processing a breakup.
‘What it can remind you is that sex with partners that aren’t your ex can be enjoyable, pleasurable and make you feel good.
‘For some people it can feel like a big step to moving forward, and putting your ex relationship behind you as it’s a physical indicator of moving on and starting something new again; but that can also feel nervewracking for exactly that reason, particularly if you were in your previous relationship for a long time or were heavily emotionally invested.
‘What can be helpful for some people is taking the step to try a new sexual experience or partner, as the anxiety that we can feel can also hold us back from making any decisions, which can keep us in a place of limbo and uncertainty,’ Kate says.
Breakups don’t often leave you feeling at your sexiest or most attractive, and a positive sexual experience can reignite that within yourself.
But key part of ensuring the success of the situation is in who you choose to have that experience with.
If you’re feeling emotionally wobbly, sleeping with someone that can handle any fragility is helpful.
‘The person and the context are likely to have a part in how you feel about the experience, as they change the meaning of it.
‘When it comes to our sex lives whilst the physical is obviously a big part, but arguably the bigger part is the why, or meaning of sex and this is going to be relevant to your partner choice,’ Kate says.
How can you know if it’s too soon?
Wondering if your ex has already bagged someone new might motivate you to anxiously jump into bed too, as can the pressure to move on quickly – but there is no rush.
‘When we are using sex for the wrong reason or in a way that’s not good for us, for example to numb or hurt ourselves or by having high risk sex.
‘Often we can internalise feelings from a break up like “I’m not good enough” and we can then see an acting out or self-sabotage which are behaviours that then confirm those feelings.
‘We can also put ourselves into situations where getting intimate with other people might feel overwhelming or too much as we are still in a vulnerable headspace post-break up,’ Kate says.
Slow and steady wins the race.
Self-care tips if sex with someone new was a bad idea
Sometimes you don’t know how you’re going to feel until you’ve done something.
If you chose to sleep with someone new but you were left feeling upset, it’s important to practice self-care.
Kate says: ‘If you are finding a sexual situation with a new partner difficult or upsetting tell them and ask for what you need.
‘You don’t need to continue with a sexual experience because you have started, and if you are able to explain to them then you can make them aware that it’s not about them, but about how you are feeling.
‘Give yourself time and space, and take the pressure off yourself to do anything, move on in a “certain time” and be kind to yourself.
‘We can’t always predict our feelings, particularly when it comes to sex which is multi-sensory and so a smell, touch, noise or sound may trigger an association that you wouldn’t have been able to be aware of in advance.’
In the meantime, it’s a good idea to get a general sexual health check.
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