From micro cheating to squishing, do you speak the language of modern love?
- Rowan Pelling has spent 25 years writing about sex and relationships
- She admits the term ‘sexual field’ on Gwyneth Paltrow’s website left her baffled
- Here, shares new sexual terms that have entered our culture over recent years
After seeing a recent article on actress Gwyneth Paltrow’s website Goop titled ‘Rekindling your subtle sexual field’, I knew that it was time to update my erotic lexicon.
I’ve spent 25 years researching and writing about sex, relationships and erotic literature, but a ‘sexual field’ was new to me. What was it and how did I get one?
According to the author of the article, Jennifer Freed: ‘The subtle sexual field is a place where signals, cues and expressions are all in service of Eros and sexual connection.’
But what it boiled down to was the old-fashioned notion of flirting with your partner and making sure you cultivated ways of them seeing you as a sexual being (and vice versa). In short, if you manage to nurture and maintain your ‘subtle sexual field’, your partner will almost certainly think you’re hot.
Rowan Pelling shares some of the new sexual terms that have entered our culture over recent years to help navigate the world of dating and romance (file image)
So, now you know. But it’s not the only term you need to be aware of if you’re navigating the world of dating and romance right now — there’s an entirely new sexual lexicon out there.
To ensure you’re up to date with the latest lingo — let’s face it, there’s nothing less sexy than being out of the loop — here’s my guide to some of the new terms that have entered our culture over recent years…
Aromantic
‘aro’ for short — a term for people who don’t experience romantic attraction and have no desire to form romantic relationships. Aros can experience platonic love and feel affection for family and friends, but woe betide anyone who scatters rose petals over their bed.
Consensual non-monogamy
This describes any relationship where the participants agree they’re not going to form an exclusive attachment. Other sexual arrangements aren’t just tolerated, they’re part of the deal. It’s old-fashioned swinging dressed up to sound fancy for people who work in tech and long to go to Burning Man.
Demisexual
If you’re the type of person who never lusts after strangers on trains, but only feels desire after cultivating a close emotional attachment with another human being, then this is the label for you. Of course, people in long marriages may well tell you they started out that way, but 25 years later they feel inexplicably, suddenly drawn to actors in Peaky Blinders, commuters and next door’s gardener.
Doppelbanger
I laughed like a drain when a friend’s twentysomething son outlined this expression, used for anyone you want to sleep with for no other reason than they look like someone else you fancy. For example, you may find yourself tumbling into bed with a tax inspector because he bears a resemblance to David Tennant.
Fluid bonding
This is a priceless, if slightly grim, Tinder-Age expression for the moment in a relationship when two people decide they know and trust their partner enough to abandon barrier methods of contraception. In short, they are prepared to exchange bodily fluids, but don’t necessarily have any interest in getting pregnant.
Link
I learnt this one from my 18-year-old niece after asking her if she was going out with a boy. She replied: ‘No, we’re linking.’
Rowan explained micro-cheating is used to describe someone in a relationship who can’t stop sending suggestive texts to other people (file image)
When I looked confused, she explained this is a pre-dating term, which means two people have expressed interest in one another and are deciding if they have got enough chemistry to take it further.
I said: ‘So you’re not kissing?’ She replied: ‘Yeah, of course we are! But we haven’t moved to the next stage.’ The upside for commitment-phobes is that the words ‘Would you like to link?’ don’t entail many obligations.
Micro-cheating
A useful tag for someone who’s in a relationship but can’t stop sending suggestive texts to other people, expressing their deep, unrequited passion and arranging flirty lunches — but will stop short of having actual sex within their micro-romance.
Netflix and chill
I had heard this term and took it at face value: that it was all about chilling out on a sofa in front of a gripping TV drama with a takeaway. But I was recently told it’s Tinder/Hinge shorthand for pretending you’re going to do all of the above, when your actual intention is to get your date horizontal as swiftly as possible.
Rowan said a sapiosexual is someone who is turned on by someone’s mind rather than their physical appearance (file image)
Pansexual
This one has been around for a while, but has been resurrected by Generation Z, because it describes the experience of being sexually attracted to all sorts of individuals, no matter their sex or gender identity. So a pansexual person may date a man, a woman, a trans man and then a non-binary person. Of course, the Bloomsbury Set perfected all of this a century ago.
Relationship escalator
This term was coined by U.S. author Amy Gahran in 2012 to describe the process of social norms by which relationships progress: from dating to monogamy, cohabitation, marriage and babies. If you’re on the escalator, you may find it hard to jump off, even if something feels wrong.
Sapiosexual
A person who’s turned on by someone’s mind rather than their physical appearance. This helps explain the striking number of attractive women in university cities who have married older, uglier academics on the grounds they have brains — and egos — the size of the planet.
My friends and I often remark on the fact that you don’t often see the phenomenon reversed: brilliant female philosophers with adoring toy-boys.
Rowan said toygasm is hilarious slang for the sort of big O you have with a Rampant Rabbit (file image)
Sex positive
You might think most people feel pretty positive about sex, if they can find the right partner and a comfy bed.
But this term is more specific, and indicates an individual who feels tolerant and open towards progressive sexual practices. They will never stumble when trying to say LGBTQ+ or blink at polyamory.
Squish
We all know what it means to have a crush on someone, but when you have a squish it’s platonic. You develop intense, non-sexual feelings, which mean you want to be close to that person but have no intention of pursuing a romantic relationship.
It seems to be an update of the schoolgirl term ‘pash’ — as in, ‘I had a pash for the head girl’ — but works equally well for adult life. I am always falling head-over-squish for new friends.
Toygasm
This is hilarious slang for the sort of big O you have with a Rampant Rabbit, or another sex toy. It’s the sort of thing you imagine Samantha discussing over a coffee in Sex And The City.
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