It’s supposed to be a holiday but, for most of us – in particular (as usual) women – Christmas is anything but. The lengthy to-do list is overwhelming and, yup, it’s all to please other people – whether it’s impressing with your Boxing Day beige buffet or pushing your social skills (and your liver) to the limit with your fifth drinks party of the week.
I'm A Celebrity star Frankie Bridge has openly admitted she falls into this trap naturally. "We all spend so much of our time trying to keep other people happy but sometimes you do need to be the focus of your own happiness," said the 32 year old singer, who is married to former footballer Wayne Bridge.
"I’m such a people pleaser and when my husband Wayne is always telling me I need to say ‘no’ more. It’s been a big learning curve, but I have got a little bit better."
She's far from alone in putting her own needs last.
“Christmas is a prime time for burnout,” says life coach Michelle Elman, author of The Joy Of Being Selfish . “Boundaries are how we teach the world to treat us. If you’re a people pleaser, you attract people in your life who take advantage of that. You should treat yourself as a person who is naturally worthy and valuable, rather than because of what you do for others.”
Here are Michelle’s tips on how to put boundaries in place this yuletide?
How to… Say ‘no thanks’ to parties
Do you decide you’re going to an event simply because you have a diary space?
“A lot of people don’t have a filter where they ask themselves if they actually want to go – they say ‘yes’ as a knee jerk reaction,” says Michelle. “And then they dread it and come up with an excuse not to go. Just decline when the invite arrives – hosts always prefer that to a last minute cancellation.”
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And avoid giving any details, because “people often view the reason that you give as a problem for them to fix.” Michelle adds, “In psychology, we talk about the ‘spotlight effect’ – where we think we’re more important than we are. But usually when you just say no to a party, the host will simply accept that you aren’t free.”
How to… Stand up to rude relatives
It wouldn’t be Christmas without a ‘loved one’ informing you you’ve piled on the pounds or that you’re looking ‘a bit tired’. But we shouldn’t just put up and shut up.
“Family don’t have a different set of rules to other people – you shouldn’t have to tolerate a lower standard of behaviour because someone is blood,” says Michelle. “Something that happens a lot within families is body shaming. There’s a sense of entitlement, like ‘If I don’t tell you this, then who’s going to tell you? It’s for your own good.’ But it’s abusive to talk about someone’s body in a derogatory way.”
Michelle recommends shutting it down, in whatever manner you’re comfortable with.
“I’d simply state that ‘my body is my business’ or ‘let’s not do that, we’re better than that’’ or, if that feels too confrontational, say ‘ I don’t like talking about diets, can we chat about something interesting?’
”People are insecure about weight at this time of year and they project it onto others – but what an awful way to ruin a beautiful occasion. If you’re having a cheese board but thinking about your weight, you might as well not have the cheese board.”
How to… Handle the food and drink pressure
“A lot of people feel pressure about what they eat and drink around this time of year. Whether that’s because they’re teetotal or vegan, for example, you feel like you’re being ‘difficult’ if you decline,” says Michelle.
“But you need to think ‘Wait, why is this person pressuring me? Why are they getting insecure about my difference? Essentially they’re implying I wouldn’t be having a good time if I didn’t have a glass of wine. Anyone who loves you will never make you feel difficult for being different.”
How to… Avoid ‘perfect host’ syndrome
Michelle advises we lower our expectations of ourselves – no one else cares like we care.
“People feel at home in a place that isn’t perfect. If they’re there for a party, they’re there for the company, they’re not there to check your cushions. Most are grateful you’re hosting and just want to see you,” she says.
Being obsessed with perfection hinders your ability to enjoy yourself. “I found that, any time I hosted a party, I never had fun,” says Michelle. “So I changed how I throw them, and now I do them casually. When you go into a home that looks like a home you feel at home, whereas, if you walk into a perfectly presented show home, it’s hard to relax.”
Also, never apologise. “If the first thing out of your mouth is ‘I’m sorry, this place is such a mess’, people will look around and assess the mess,” Michelle says.
How to… Turn down invites from friends and family
Be honest, does it feel like a duty?
“It’s really important you start looking at why you’re seeing people you don’t want to see. You’re an adult who gets to choose, so why are you spending your precious time with someone you don’t particularly want to see?
“We talk about romantic breakups all the time, but there’s so much stigma with ending friendships. We take the end of a friendship as a personal failure but we all change over decades and you’re allowed to change the people in your life to accommodate that.”
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How to… Say no to gift giving
Stressing about that rich cousin who gets you lavish gifts when you can’t afford to reciprocate?
“Just say ‘Can we have a rule? No presents this year. We don’t need to show our love by material possessions’,” says Michelle. “That person might say ‘I still want to buy you something’, so suggest you do great birthday gifts instead. If someone is truly your friend, they’re not going to want you getting into debt.”
And if they still give you a gift, trust the intention is to give you something, with no expectation in return. ”Just flip it and ask yourself ‘if the situation was the other way around, would you care if they haven’t given you something back?’ Chances are, you wouldn’t.”
How to… Navigate family arguments
As they say, never talk about religion or politics. But if you’re ever going to get into a heated debate about Brexit, it will happen around a multi-generational dinner table when sherry is flowing and lips are loose.
“There will be members of the family who enjoy that debate. Let them. Go to the kitchen and help with the food or clearing up, don’t stay in that situation,” advises Michelle.
Debates get uncomfortable when people get personal. “It’s never necessary to use derogatory language. That’s getting off topic. Just say ‘If we can’t have a productive conversation without you insulting someone, then we’re not having conversation at all’. You need strong boundaries whereby you know how you deserve to be spoken to – and don’t let anyone be an exception.”
The Joy of Being Selfish: Why you need boundaries and how to set them by Michelle Elman is out in paperback on 6th January 2022 (Welbeck, £8.99)
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