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The dating landscape has changed dramatically since many were last looking for love. Life coach, TikTok star and author Michelle Elman spoke exclusively to Express.co.uk about how to start dating again after being out of the game for some time, focussing specifically on those who are divorced.
Michelle started off by assuring divorcees that they should not be discouraged by their marriage ending.
She told Express.co.uk: “We have to remove this idea that the longevity of a relationship is what determines a successful relationship.
“The most successful outcome of a relationship 20 years in, for example, could be a divorce.”
Rather than seeing a divorce as a “failure”, the real failure lies in staying in a relationship that no longer works for you, she said.
There are real benefits to dating after divorce.
Michelle said: “I think every relationship you get into – whether it’s a one night stand or longer – you learn something new from someone if you are willing to take those lessons.”
This means that going forward, divorcees may be more knowledgeable about what they want out of relationships, having had that bit more experience.
@scarrednotscared #stitch with @stephfabry if you don’t think you are strong enough to delete it, do it impulsively and thank me later #datingadvice ♬ You’re Mines Still (feat. Drake) – Yung Bleu
Plus, people are more “transparent” when dating later in life, and according to Michelle, there’s “less game playing”.
So how does one go about dating after divorce?
Michelle said: “I think you just need to accept that the dating landscape is completely different to when you would have first got into a relationship.
“Apps are popular because they work and they wouldn’t be around for as long as they have been if they didn’t.”
For those who are completely opposed to finding love online, the expert emphasised the importance of chatting to new people.
“You can’t be opposed to dating apps and not talk to anyone new in real life, then complain you’re not going on any dates.”
But for those who are open to the idea, here is how to create the ideal dating app profile.
Michelle recommended reframing your self-doubts.
“I think a lot of the time when we go into dating we go in first with our insecurities, so if you’ve had a divorce, for example, you might feel a pressure to put ‘divorced’ in your profile.
“But it’s okay to have that conversation on the actual date.”
For those who want to be totally transparent about their situation, it’s all about drawing out the positives.
Rather than including “divorced, with three kids” in a dating app bio, Michelle recommended weaving it into the prompts dating apps often give their users.
“Saying something like, ‘On a Sunday night you can find me curled up on the sofa watching the latest Disney film with my daughter,’ is doing it in a way that doesn’t make it feel negative.”
It comes from a place of confidence rather than defence or insecurity – plus, it tells us a little bit more about you.
@scarrednotscared #stitch with @carsonpaskill and all my break ups have held true to this #datingadvice #datinghacks #redflags ♬ original sound – Michelle Elman
Michelle’s next tip may sound a little controversial.
The expert said: “I take a very different point of view to most people.
“Most people tell you to put your best pictures on a dating app but I don’t think that’s what you should do – I think you should do everyday photos.
“For example, if you’re the kind of person who doesn’t wear makeup, why are you filling your profile with pictures full of makeup?
“You’re setting up an expectation that you’re not going to be able to maintain in person.”
Instead, Michelle thinks daters should allow their photos to reflect their real interests and personality.
Selfies should be kept to a minimum, while group photos where someone looks like you is just “wasting space”.
@scarrednotscared We don’t wait on men to live our lives #datingadvice #dating #lovelife #loveadvice #feminism #truth ♬ original sound – Michelle Elman
She continued: “Only include one photo with sunglasses, and don’t bother including photos where you’re looking off in the distance.
“Photos where you’re naturally smiling, actually, in the moment, tend to convey your personality a bit better.”
Thus, photos of you enjoying your favourite hobbies, such as cycling, travelling and gardening, may help you build stronger – and likeminded – connections.
As for those who worry that dating apps are not 100 percent safe or authentic, Michelle argued against this.
“Unsafe things can happen when you meet someone in a club, and people can ghost you when you meet in a bar. I’ve even had friends who are ghosted by other friends.
“Just because you have mutual friends or you met in person first, it doesn’t actually give you any more safety – it’s just the illusion of safety.”
Letting a friend know where you will be ahead of a first date or looking them up on LinkedIn are just a few ways to feel safer on dating apps.
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