When people see a man and a woman in a relationship, it’s easy to assume that they’re looking at a heterosexual couple.
But that isn’t always the case – and the assumption can all too often feel like erasure.
For bisexual people in seemingly ‘straight’ relationships (ie, relationships with someone of a different gender to their own), it can be hard to navigate appearing to be one thing and, well, being another.
There can be feelings of guilt (am I taking the ‘easy route’?), uncertainty (am I a ‘real’ bisexual?), or ‘letting the side down’, of isolation, all mixed up with other people’s views of bisexuality.
The answer isn’t to just dump your other half and exclusively be with people of the same gender – after all, you can’t help it if you fell for someone, and excluding people you fancy simply for the sake of appeasing a narrow definition of what a bisexual ‘looks’ like isn’t something we want to move towards.
Instead, it’s about fostering a connection to this part of your sexuality, and feeling more comfortable in who you are as a result.
But short of wearing a giant badge declaring ‘I’m a bisexual!’, how do you do that?
Why it’s important to feel connected to your bisexual identity
‘Because sexual identity is such an intrinsic part of many of us, if we disconnect from it in relationship with ourselves and the people around us, we’re likely to experience emotional symptoms as a result,’ Counselling Directory member John-Paul Davies tells Metro.co.uk.
‘These can include anxiety, depression, chronic anger and dependencies. Loneliness is often not about having too few people around you, but feeling unable to speak about the things that are important to you and sexual identity can be important.
‘Of course it’s only an aspect of who you are, but if you believe you have to split off any fundamental part of yourself, to deny and hide it, it will take on far more importance than it ought to psychologically and often become self-destructive.
‘Prolonged internal struggles are exhausting.
‘To be connected to your bisexual identity gives you access in life to all the power, creativity, energy, meaning, freedom to love and drive that’s contained in that part of you and that comes with complete self-expression and acceptance.’
Talk to your partner
It’s easy to ‘pass’ as straight when you’re bisexual and dating people of the opposite gender, but it can leave you feeling internally conflicted.
If your partner doesn’t know that you’re bisexual, how would you feel about telling them? It doesn’t need to be a big deal or a serious sit-down conversation, so don’t worry if that freaks you out.
Simply acknowledging within your relationship that you are attracted to more than one gender can help you feel more whole and more known by your partner.
‘It might be important to have the space to connect with the emotional aspects of your bisexual identity with your partner by opening up about it and what it means to you,’ says psychotherapist John-Paul. ‘A truly loving relationship should be a safe space within which to do this.’
Spend time in the LGBTQ+ community
It’s tricky to feel like you’re part of the bisexual community if you’re not actually hanging out with any LGBTQ+ people.
‘There are numerous ways that we can engage with the community through events, podcasts, and LGBTQ+ spaces in social ways which don’t threaten their relationship and aren’t sexual, but allow a way to connect with bisexual culture,’ notes Lelo’s sex and relationships expert, Kate Moyle.
Go to Pride events
Yes, you’re allowed!
Let go of guilt
On a logical level, you know full well that you shouldn’t feel guilty for being in a ‘straight’ relationship… and yet sometimes, you do.
Whether it’s guilt for ‘letting down’ LGBTQ+ people, guilt for taking the ‘easy route’, or guilt for not being loudly proud of your sexuality, these are corrosive feelings.
If you’re using your bisexuality as a stick with which to beat yourself, you’re not going to have a healthy relationship with that sexuality – you’re going to view it as a negative burden.
So, to feel happier within yourself, it’s time to let go of all the ‘shoulds’ and shame.
Help us raise £10k for Kyiv Pride and a UK LGBT+ charity
To celebrate 50 years of Pride, Metro.co.uk has teamed up with Kyiv Pride to raise money for their important work in Ukraine.
Despite war raging around them, Kyiv Pride continue to help LGBTQ+ people, offering those in need shelter, food and psychological support.
We will be splitting the cash with a grassroots charity closer to home.
You can donate here
That includes letting go of the idea that you’re not a ‘real’ bisexual if you’re not dating a 50/50 split of men and women, or feeling like you’re not living up to your sexual identity by being in a long-term relationship with someone of the opposite sex.
‘It’s important you’re led by your own internal sense of what works for you here, rather than “should” and “ought to”,’ John-Paul says. ‘Just noticing your sexual attraction and accepting your identity internally will be significant, and even enough, for some.
‘The majority of people with a bisexual identity in straight relationships are in relationships with people they love. No one should feel guilty for choosing to be in a loving relationship.’
Immerse yourself in queer culture
Books! TV shows! Music! Art!
Enjoy all manner of cultural things that explore and celebrate bisexuality.
Not only is this great fun (who doesn’t want a reason to watch a bunch of romcoms?), but it helps you to feel less isolated in your experience of bisexuality. It’s a reminder that other people have felt how you feel, and that it’s okay.
Claim your identity out loud
If you’re not ready to come out, that’s totally fine. But if you do want to be more open about your sexuality, go for it.
Remember: you’re still ‘allowed’ to declare you’re bisexual when you’re in a ‘straight’ relationship.
You’ll be amazed at the quiet power of mentioning offhand that you’re bi, updating your social media bios with the Pride flag, or feeling free to mention celebs of all genders when you’re asked for a list of crushes.
Remember it’s your sexuality, not anyone else’s
At the end of the day, you can’t control other people’s assumptions about you and your relationship. You’re just in charge of how you feel.
‘When it comes to sex and relationships, there is a lot of judgement and a lot of engrained narratives and ideas,’ notes Kate. ‘We have to be comfortable in knowing that we are doing the right things for ourselves and our relationships, and know that’s the most important thing.
‘When we take on the opinions of others too much we can start to doubt ourselves, which can have a negative impact on our wellbeing.
‘Understanding yourself, and what works for you and your relationship, is the most important thing.’
John-Paul adds: ‘As with life generally, it’s your narrative about your life and your choices that’s the most important thing.
‘Your story about who you are can be informed by others, but it should be formed by you. Try to focus on forming that narrative, always making sure
that it’s as empathetic and compassionate towards yourself as it can be.’
Metro.co.uk celebrates 50 years of Pride
This year marks 50 years of Pride, so it seems only fitting that Metro.co.uk goes above and beyond in our ongoing LGBTQ+ support, through a wealth of content that not only celebrates all things Pride, but also share stories, take time to reflect and raises awareness for the community this Pride Month.
MORE: Find all of Metro.co.uk’s Pride coverage right here
And we’ve got some great names on board to help us, too. From a list of famous guest editors taking over the site for a week that includes Rob Rinder, Nicola Adams, Peter Tatchell, Kimberly Hart-Simpson, John Whaite, Anna Richardson and Dr Ranj, we’ll also have the likes Sir Ian McKellen and Drag Race stars The Vivienne, Lawrence Chaney and Tia Kofi offering their insights.
During Pride Month, which runs from 1 – 30 June, Metro.co.uk will also be supporting Kyiv Pride, a Ukrainian charity forced to work harder than ever to protect the rights of the LGBTQ+ community during times of conflict. To find out more about their work, and what you can do to support them, click here.
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