It’s very natural for parents to want everything to go right for their kids, and it can be hard not to step in when you get that anxiety-inducing sense that things might be about to go awry.
But, to paraphrase a wise fictional father, we fall so we can learn to pick ourselves up again.
Sure, some mistakes are bigger than others, but plenty of failures are just part of living and learning.
Chartered Clinical Psychologist Dr Georgie Taylor tells Metro.co.uk: ‘While it’s instinctive to want to swoop in and relieve your child’s distress, solve their problems and protect them from life’s adversities, they have to learn to face reality.
‘Although the prospect of this is scary for a parent, it is key for the development of autonomy and individuality and will make them more resilient in the long run.’
Psychotherapist Noel McDermott also points out that it’s good for parents to regulate their swooping urges, explaining: ‘When we step in to save our kids we behaviourally reinforce the risk to them and, although it may temporarily soothe us in the moment, it actually makes our sense of danger and anxiety worse for the next time.
‘If we learn to manage our racing heart, our catastrophic thoughts etc, over time we will experience those things less because we are challenging the internal signals that there is danger.’
So how do we learn to stop coming to the rescue all the time?
Well firstly, Noel says it might be too much to ask to get fully comfortable with letting your kids make mistakes.
There are, however, some tricks we can learn to help us rethink feelings of nervousness or anxiety over mistakes and behave more rationally.
The first is called re-framing.
‘The biological reactions for fear and excitement, for example, are pretty much the same,’ explains Noel.
‘Racing heart, sweaty palms, focussed eyesight etc. – it’s how we label it that’s different.
‘We can decide to view the same experience in different ways cognitively, so physically it’s the same, but we embrace excitement rather than avoid it and in this way, we signal differently to our kids.’
He adds: ‘If we learn to manage our racing heart, our catastrophic thoughts etc, over time we will experience those things less because we are challenging the internal signals that there is danger.’
Next, Noel recommends ‘sharing our own mistakes with our kids’, the benefits of which are threefold.
‘It normalises for ourselves what they are going through and give us a sense of perspective (“It’s just a mistake, I’ve done worse, and I’m still here to tell the tale”),’ he explains.
‘It can also give our kids tools in asking for help before they are in too deep. This reduces negative consequences for them.
‘Thirdly, we can learn to recognise our own signs of distress sooner and more effectively, and put in place better psychological and practical tools to help soothe us without the need to act.’
He adds: ‘In behavioural therapy, there is a saying: “we don’t run away from the bear because we are afraid of it – we are afraid of the bear because we run away from it”.
‘By understanding this, we cannot only reduce our own anxiety, but we can model to our kids a much more calm and thoughtful way of taking risk – one that is more mindful and balanced.
‘Also, we can learn that much of the problem we see in our kids making mistakes is due to our internal narratives.’
Meanwhile, Dr Georgie recommends taking a second to think of the probabilities at play.
‘When they’re faced with a decision to make, instead of swooping in,’ she explains, ‘stop, take a deep breath and don’t act.
‘Instead of imagining the worst possible thing that could happen, ask yourself, what’s the most likely thing that will happen?
‘Trust in your child’s ability to make good choices and communicate this to them (e.g., “I know that you can come up with a good solution”). Guide them by making helpful suggestions, like “why don’t you come up with a list of pros and cons”? or “what advice would you give a friend in the same position?”.
‘If they make a mistake, help them keep it in perspective, normalise how common it is and reassure them that this experience is helpful for future problem-solving.’
Ultimately, it’s key to both remember and to teach your children that mistakes are not the end of the world.
As Noel puts it: ‘Our kids have their own internal narratives that hopefully contain a lot fewer “bears” and they are probably having fun failing much more than you imagine.
‘Maybe you can decide that it is an exciting funfair ride with them rather than a deadly tumble off a cliff?
‘Even if their mistake isn’t a whole lot of fun in the moment for them, it’s only a mistake and there are plenty of fun rides left for you to enjoy together in the future.’
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