Whether a relationship was solid or already going through a shift, many of us found that our social circles—like just about every other aspect of our lives—were altered by the COVID-19 pandemic.
“What was brought to the forefront was, ‘Which of my relationships have been superficial?’” notes Brittainy Noel, a licensed therapist and confidence coach. “Many times, when we go out to brunch or we go shopping with people in our lives, we may be enjoying the experience even if we’re not actually having communications that increase intimacy. But when life gets tough, as it did during the pandemic, only certain types of friendships are able to sustain a real connection—and those are the friendships that force us to share a deeper level of vulnerability, of transparency.”
During lockdowns, meetups decreased substantially, as did basic communication—and relationships that were more challenged by social-distancing mandates are now left in a state of flux. But friendships in transition are still beneficial, says The Great Girlfriends podcast cofounder Sybil Amuti. You just have to shift your expectations. “It lightens the load for each of us when we start to take the value of what’s there and build on it, instead of thinking everyone has to be everything at all times,” she explains. “It eliminates any pressure we have imposed on friends.”
Think of the new year as a fresh start, one that presents an opportunity to hit the reset button on our friendships—whether we are hoping to repair them, create boundaries within them or move on from them altogether. ESSENCE spoke with experts and women like you to figure out how to take those next steps.
Making Amends
New Yorker Andrea Fernandes and her best friend, from -Charlotte, North Carolina, have a bond that has survived everything from their college years to living a long distance apart. Then COVID-19 happened. -Fernandes wanted to talk to her BFF about all they were going through, but her friend wasn’t giving back that energy. Fernandes reached out often to try to maintain the connection, but the favor wasn’t reciprocated.
“I spoke to her about it, but I feel like nothing really changed,” she says. “It can be draining when you feel like you’re pouring yourself out but you’re not being poured back into, by people who are close to you. I was like, ‘I’m over this. That’s not the way a best friend behaves.’” Yet despite her frustration, Fernandes didn’t really want the relationship to end.
When dealing with lulls in a friendship, it’s important to step outside of yourself. “Try to consider and understand that your friend’s world is bigger than you,” Amuti says. “You are a very important piece, but a fractional piece. I think it’s so important for us, as friends, to be able to say to each other, ‘How has this pandemic been affecting you?’ Or, ‘How has this pandemic changed the way you view friendships?’”
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