Written by The Honest Boss
If you witness your colleague being unfaithful, should you say something? The Honest Boss says no.
“At a recent after-work drink where everyone was letting off steam after a difficult end of year, I looked across to see two of my teammates hooking up. This wouldn’t be a problem except that one of them is married and talks about his wife and family often. Other colleagues took pictures of the encounter and the infidelity has become a bit of an office joke, which makes me really uncomfortable. I’ve lost all personal respect for the cheater, and even though it would never be my place to out their behaviour, I don’t know how to proceed in the work environment.”
I understand why you feel some level of discomfort at what you saw. Because this man is married and talks regularly about family life, you’ve clearly placed him in your head as ‘out of bounds’. Your tone, however, suggests that you are ramping up your judgment to a degree that I would normally only expect from the betrayed partner.
I am guessing that you are feeling somewhat betrayed by someone you had previously judged to have bucketloads of integrity. I can empathise with you to a certain extent. I once worked with a man I liked enormously who suddenly got fired because he had been discovered cheating on his expenses to a grave degree, and was effectively embezzling our company funds. Police were called in and the event was considered major within our company. I was completely blindsided when I found out and, for some reason, felt personally betrayed. I look back now and wonder why I had such a strong adverse reaction.After all, his thieving was nothing to do with me.But, like you, I had held this person in very high regard; I had seen him as a friend and confidante as well as a colleague, and I felt stupid for not realising he was actually just a dishonest, small-time crook. I had totally misjudged his character.
I know that your colleague’s behaviour may have shaken your moral compass somewhat, but before you cast him out as a pariah you need to ask yourself this simple question: why is this any of my business?
Remind yourself that you’re not this man’s wife or keeper. As a workmate, you are of course free to think and feel what you like about others privately but unless they have caused you personal distress or offence, it’s really not your place to judge them on what they get up to outside of working hours. The fact is, this brief sexual encounter is nothing at all to do with you.
There are many possibilities you need to consider that may give you a more comforting perspective. Firstly, for all you know, this man’s marriage may be in trouble and he might be on the verge of leaving his wife. He could have entered into a trial separation and is effectively a free agent. Alternatively, perhaps he and his wife have a more liberal attitude than you do to hookups – they may even have an open marriage. Even if this chap is a devoted husband, as you had assumed, I am guessing that the evening you describe included plenty of alcohol? The chances are that both of your colleagues were loaded with wine and good cheer and just got a bit carried away. It might not have been the wisest of moves, but who are you to judge others’ fall from grace?
As you progress through your career, the chances are you’ll witness weakness and mistakes from many whom you work with, and you may even make some bad choices yourself. However, if you are not personally wounded or harmed in any way by others, then you must reel in your neck, dampen down your shock and reserve your judgment for matters of greater importance.
In the meantime, try your best to think forgivingly and compassionately about this man. He might turn out to be a compulsive cheater, but it’s his life to live as he chooses and not yours to judge.
Images: Getty
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