DEAR DEIDRE: WATCHING my wife have sex with other men is my ultimate turn-on, but she’s said she won’t do it any more.
I feel cheated and want to know how to change her mind.
I’m 49 and she’s 48. We’ve been married for 20 years and have two grown-up kids.
We’ve always had adventurous sex — swinging, group sex, swapping. But by far the most exciting thing for me was when she let me watch her have sex with another guy.
Sometimes, I’d watch secretly, from behind a door. Other times, if the other man agreed, I’d be in the room with them.
The more excited my wife got, the more turned on I’d become.
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I never felt jealous because I knew she was doing it as much for my pleasure as her own.
Afterwards, we’d talk about it and I’d make love to her too.
However, over the past couple of years, she’s said she doesn’t want to do this any more.
Her libido has decreased and she’s not as confident about her body or her looks — even though I tell her she’s still sexy.
I miss watching other men bring her to orgasm.
I love her dearly, but it’s really getting me down. It feels like she’s broken an unspoken part of our marriage contract.
I’ve had voyeuristic tendencies since I was a boy, and spied on my babysitter having sex with her boyfriend on the sofa, when she thought I was asleep in bed.
Now, the only way I can get excited is by fantasising about historic incidents. It’s not the same.
She’s asked me to stop pressuring her. What can I do?
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DEIDRE SAYS: You can’t make your wife do anything sexually against her will.
Pushing her into doing this is abusive and will ultimately destroy your relationship.
Consent to a certain sexual practice isn’t a long-term contract – it’s something that’s given on each individual occasion a couple has sex.
People’s desires do change over the years. Loving someone means accepting this and adapting.
If your need for voyeurism is so strong that it’s spoiling your marriage, perhaps you need to get help.
My support pack on sex therapy shows you where to go to find a counsellor.
If you love your wife, you need to find other ways to achieve sexual satisfaction. See my support pack 50 Ways To Add Fun To Sex.
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