Over recent years, the way we talk about menopause has changed, and more and more women are speaking about their experience of ‘The Change’. From Davina McCall’s groundbreaking documentaries to former Loose Women star Andrea McLean’s menopause book, the stigma surrounding the menopause is, thankfully, gradually starting to shift.
And as a natural part of aging that affects 50% of the population, it’s inevitable that every woman will experience this time of life differently.
With that in mind, when the menopause and retirement led to a crisis of confidence, Jay Courtney, 65, from Newent, Gloucestershire, set out to turn later life into a real adventure. Here's what she has to say…
"Looking around my kitchen, I thought: ‘Now what?’. After devoting my adult life to raising two daughters and building a successful career in education and public health, I was officially retired – and feeling lost.
For as long as I could remember, I’d been working towards something. Now my invincibility had been replaced with invisibility.
I was 58 and simply didn’t identify with the new labels put on me – post-menopausal, retiree, pensioner, glamorous granny. And the worst of all was ‘crone’ – an unpleasant old woman. I’d faced a lot of ‘isms’ in my life and ageism was the most unexpected and damaging. But I didn’t want to let it get the better of me.
This sense of becoming less visible in society had probably started with the menopause in my late 40s. The physical and mental transition was tough but there seems to be a conspiracy of silence around the topic, other than giggling about hot flushes with colleagues.
GPs were reluctant at that time to prescribe HRT too. When I developed the unpleasant and unwelcome side effect of vaginal atrophy, I felt floored. Was this my life for the next 30 years?
On top of that, I suffered with chronic fatigue syndrome after a bout of swine flu. I went from swimming at the gym every morning to being too weak to put on my swimsuit. Eventually I had to give up the job I loved prematurely, for my own wellbeing. I didn’t for one minute think I’d struggle with this stage of life as I’d always had lots of interests. But I simply didn’t see myself as old enough to be retired.
I remember chatting to another retiree one day and I asked her: “What is retirement for you?”. She told me: “I find things to fill the time.” Her answer filled me with dread. I simply couldn’t imagine living that way. Being wasn’t my thing. Doing was.
It sparked a quest to discover how women can live this period of their existence well and enjoy experiences they didn’t have time for in the past, before it was too late. I wanted to find ways to shake off the ‘griege’ that had enveloped my life and regain the self-confidence I thought I possessed, but had really been bound up with my job. As my friend Gilly said to me, there are only two stages in life: not too late and too late. I didn’t have time to waste.
I started to read lots of books, joined a walking group and did some solo travel. It was almost like being a student again, trying things on for size, to see who I was, what I liked and disliked. I didn’t even know how to dress, now that I no longer needed my work uniform of smart suits.
During this time, I started a journal, where I scribbled down my thoughts and feelings, to try and make sense of why I was finding life difficult. Writing really saved my sanity. It also gave me the purpose I was craving. I sought out other liked-minded women and as I spoke to them about their experiences and put them down in writing, I felt less alone and less unusual.
All of us had devoted decades meeting the needs of others. We had cared for children and parents, been committed to our jobs, overcome relationship break ups and suffered bereavements. Now we were learning who we were again and what we wanted, conscious of that ‘exit’ sign looming in the distance. We were pressing ‘reset’ and listening to our truth for the first time.
I look so much from their stories and their honesty, like Alex who ran ultramarathons while undergoing bowel cancer treatment and Maggie who bought a walking holiday company after her partner died. Like me, they had questioned their place in the world and struggled to put themselves first, due to a misplaced guilt. But they were also determined not to let getting older stop them having adventures.
Their courageous spirit empowered me and I knew I had to help others do the same. I branded our growing tribe the Juicy Crones – reclaiming that word used to belittle wise older women with something to say. A band of role models, to show the next generation how it could and should be done. I turned our stories into a book and secured a publisher, an adventure I had never foresaw for retirement.
I am hoping that by the time my two daughters and my four granddaughters reach ‘cronehood’, society will be different. They will be more aware of their own health and their own worth – and wonder what I made such a fuss about.
There are millions of post-menopausal women in the country and we’ve been made to believe we don’t have anything important to say. But we have so much wisdom to share and dreams to make a reality.
It has taken work but thanks to this inspiring band of ladies, I’m really happy to be at this stage of my life and finally at ease with myself. This is who I am, this is what I look like and this is how I live. I compare it to crossing over from one island to another. You have to travel over rough seas to get there but the journey makes you stronger.
Seven years ago, I was thinking: And now what…? But here I am, a published author, with a full and rich life.
I’m single again and I’ve even got a new name – shortening Janice, a title I long disliked, to Jay, as I turned 64. Last summer I made a long dreamed of solo trip to the Scottish islands.
I want younger women to know that ageing can be enriching part of your future. As for me, my adventure is just getting started."
But Jay isn't alone is treating the menopause as a new chapter in her life. Here's how three other women used the menopause to embark on a new adventure…
Supriya
"I was born into a privileged Hindu class in Mumbai, which came with expectations for how my life should be. I went into banking and had a successful career, along with a happy arranged marriage. But after we settled with our children in Britain, I realised I wanted to do things differently.
My happiest place was listening to and performing Carnatic music, the ancient classical music of southern India. I’d go on to create my own business offering workshops before collaborating on events with the Yorkshire Sculpture Park, composing with the Icelandic Symphonic Orchestra and performing at the Royal Albert Hall. That last one happened because I invited the CEO for coffee, remembering my mother’s advice: it’s always worth asking – the worst they can say is no.
You have to dream big, because the journey towards the goal is so exciting. And my next ambition? To perform with Bjork."
Deborah
"When my relationship with my husband hit a rocky patch, I thought we might be one of those couples that didn’t survive retirement. I couldn’t have imagined his behaviour was due to early on-set dementia. Instead of enjoying our time together after he stopped work as a hospital consultant, I became his carer.
When he died, I mourned for this brilliant man. But I could also step out of his shadow and re-find my voice.
He had always encouraged me to volunteer and to be independent, and I campaigned for the needs of Alzheimer’s patients and their families.
Standing at an airport alone, through necessity not choice, was daunting, though. But I didn’t want to waste this precious time. I learned to dive, I took a comedy writing course and I even had my long, dyed hair cut short, with the grey visible. Who knows what I will discover about myself next?"
Andie
"When I am 3,000ft up in the air, I don’t feel powerless – I feel powerful. Learning to fly has been purely for me and nothing to do with the other relationships in my life.
My dad was in the RAF and I still remember the exhilaration of my first flight aged eight. It was a dream I harboured for more than 50 years and while at times I regret not doing it sooner, a complicated emotion. Instead, I worked as cabin crew from the age of 20, giving it up after becoming a mum.
The death of my mum in 2012, the same year I was diagnosed with endometrial cancer aged 55, was transformational. I started to chase my ambitions, studying for a degree and a masters, and taking flying lessons. My next aim is to get my pilot’s licence. Now I tell everyone: ‘Don’t put obstacles in your own way’. If you want it, do it."
Juicy Crones: Free For The Strangest Adventures by Jay Courtney is published by Bradt Guides.
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