Most of us are guilty of “phubbing” – here’s how it’s actually affecting our relationships

Written by Amy Beecham

Putting down your phone will do your social life a world of good, new research says.  

Be honest with yourself: do you spend too much time on your phone? I know I do. While parents and grandparents like to make jokes about mobiles being surgically attached to the palms of Gen Z and millennials, they’re actually kind of right.

Research shows that the average person spends 3 hours 23 minutes every day on their phone, equivalent to around 50 days a year. Most people also check their phones 58 times a day, 30 of those times being during work hours. But all this screen time is not just bad for the eyes, it’s harming the relationships in every part of our lives.

Even if you don’t quite know what it is, you’ve definitely been guilty of ‘phubbing’. Also known as “phone snubbing,” it’s the habit of ignoring someone in favour of your mobile phone – and we do it a lot, often without even realising.

We scroll Instagram idly while chatting with a friend, we reply to a text mid-conversation or check our bank accounts or maps while at work. As new research suggests, the simple act isn’t just rude and irritating for the person on the receiving end: it can have some dire consequences.

Research by Yeslam Al-Saggaf, author of The Psychology of Phubbing, found that we’re actually most likely to phub the people closest to us. Participants in Al-Saggaf’s study phubbed their partners the most, followed by their closest friends, siblings, children and parents. Younger people also phubbed more than older people, but there was no noticeable difference between how often males and females phubbed.

And every time phubbing occurred in these groups, a different, harmful message was sent.

Are we spending too much time on our phones?

When parents phubbed their children, this sent the message that their parents weren’t interested in them. The lack of acceptance felt by the children made them feel rejected and socially disconnected, which was associated with lower life satisfaction, and increased anxiety and depression.

Similarly, in partnerships, phubbing led to increased conflict related to smartphone use. It often made the phubbed partner feel excluded, which resulted in less intimacy and reduced satisfaction with the relationship. In some cases phubbed partners felt jealous because they were worried their partner may be pursuing someone else romantically, which only intensified their anxiety and lowered their wellbeing.

In the workplace, a boss phubbing their employees diminished the employees’ trust in their boss. This led to lower engagement with their work, decreased job satisfaction and poorer performance in general. Phubbing also made employees feel socially excluded, lowered their motivation and even threatened their self-esteem. To retaliate, employees resorted to misusing the internet at work.

Finally, being phubbed by a family member violated the phubbed person’s expectations and made them feel like they don’t matter to the phubber. 

How to stop phubbing

So you’ve realised you’ve been guilty of everything above and are now panicking that everyone in your life secretly hates you for it. What now? According to Al-Saggaf, if there’s someone in your life who phubs you, you should try to calmly bring it up. This might be as simple as saying “Hey, can I please have your attention?”

But this may only stop the act once. If it keeps happening – which will be more likely if the phubber is addicted to their phone and/or social media – you’ll need to have a more considered conversation.

“Explain how being phubbed affects you and why it needs to stop. It can also help to set ground rules around phone use when you’re together. For instance, parents can establish rules around using phones while eating dinner, and partners can decide to put their phones away before going to bed,” he writes.

“If you’re concerned you may be a phubber, think long and hard about how you use your phone around others. If you catch yourself phubbing, stop and make a commitment to avoid it in the future.”

However, sometimes phubbing is essential, so how can you manage it in a healthy way?

“If you’re with someone and absolutely must phub them, do this as considerately as possible. You could say “Sorry, I have to quickly check this/send this text”, or “This is urgent”,” he suggests.“And try to keep it short. These small acts can go a long way in reducing the effect of phubbing on the phubbed person.”

Images: Getty

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