Our relationships counsellor answers your problems: My husband has become a grumpy old man
Q I always thought my marriage was good. It’s had its ups and downs but, generally, my husband and I have got on well and have similar interests. After any arguments, we’ve made up fairly quickly.
However, recent times have not been easy. Our daughter had an acrimonious divorce and my mother-in-law also needed a lot of our support in the three years before her death. Now that my family is on a more even keel I hoped that life would be better.
An anonymous woman is concerned about her husband, who has recently become increasingly bad tempered.
But my husband seems to have turned into a ‘grumpy old man’. He is often short-tempered and complains a lot about everything: bad drivers, politics, the state of the world, my mother, his sister – or having to do anything he doesn’t want to do, such as household chores.
He also snaps at me sometimes, being quite unkind and cutting, which is uncharacteristic and upsetting. I even wondered if he still loved me, but he says he does and that I’m overreacting. I really don’t want a divorce. I just want my old husband back and to enjoy our retirement together. Where do I start?
A Hmm, this sounds like a man who has been feeling overburdened by the stresses of the past few years and, instead of getting help, is taking it out on you. This isn’t fair at all but, please be reassured, I don’t think that it is because he doesn’t love you.
In fact, it might well be because he does. Rather like teenagers, who sometimes use their mothers as emotional punchbags because they know she will still love them whatever they say, your husband is lashing out at you because he knows that you are always there for him.
However, he is not a teenager and needs to understand that he can’t speak to you this way. It sounds like you have been a rock for everyone and you need support too. So pick a moment when he is calm and explain that you know he is unhappy and that you love him, but that you won’t put up with him talking to you like this and that if he persists, he might lose that love.
Ask if he would ever talk to a friend that way. I bet he wouldn’t. A marriage or long-term relationship is, ideally, our closest friendship and in order to sustain love and affection, people need to treat their partners with the respect they would show a close friend.
Disagreements are normal, but there should never be sarcasm or name-calling – and especially not putting the other person down. I suspect also that he might be suffering from depression, which can make people bad-tempered sometimes. This could be coupled with grief for his mother.
Make having counselling together non-negotiable (relate. org.uk) so that he can learn better ways of expressing his emotions. It could also help you to become more confident. He should see his GP about possible depression.
SHOULD WE CONFRONT MY STEPDAUGHTER?
Q My husband and I went away for a long weekend, leaving my 17-year-old stepdaughter alone in our house. She is a nice girl and promised us that she would look after the cat and our home – and not have parties.
All appeared fine when we got back: the house was tidy-ish and the cat was sleeping on the sofa. However, I noticed that the kitchen floor was a bit sticky and that we seemed to have fewer wine glasses.
There was also a handful of empty wine and beer bottles in our recycling (hidden under other things). My stepdaughter had clearly had some friends over and had broken glasses and spilt alcohol on the floor.
My husband says that, as everything is fine, we should leave it. But I’m worried that we would be teaching her the wrong lessons about trust if we ignore the matter.
A Yes, I think you do need to talk to her. While it probably was only a small gathering, the trouble with teenage parties is that if other young people find out about them, they can get out of hand very quickly.
A 17-year-old is unlikely to have the experience or confidence to handle that or be able to throw gatecrashers out. Keep it light. Either you or her dad (or both) could thank her for keeping the house tidy and tell her that you realise that she had a few friends over – and that this is fine, as she clearly kept things under control.
Tell her that next time you would much rather she be honest in advance, so that you can agree what is acceptable and have a plan in case things go wrong. If you approach it reasonably, rather than heavy-handedly, she is more likely to be cooperative and open in future.
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