My lover wants to know his secret love child but husband thinks daughter is his

DEAR DEIDRE: MY lover and I have a secret love child.

All he wants is to be able to get to know his daughter and for her to know he is her father.


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But I have to pretend she is my husband’s child.

The stress is killing my lover. He is getting depressed and has turned to drink.

I am 42, he is 46 and we have been seeing each other for five years. Our daughter is three.

We love each other deeply and are both unhappily married, but have families we can’t leave.

My husband is 51 and has a neurodegenerative illness, so leaving him alone and taking the children — we also have two young teenagers — would be more than cruel.

And my lover’s wife has made it clear that if he ever left her, he wouldn’t see his kids again.

I got pregnant with my lover’s daughter when the condom split. I thought briefly of having an abortion, but couldn’t go through with it.

My husband seemed so excited at the prospect of another baby that I thought I could pass her off as his, and we’d all be happy.

I didn’t imagine how much it would tear my lover apart not being able to see his daughter.

He buys her presents, which I have to pretend are from me. He asks to see pictures of her every time we meet.

I dearly want her to know who her real father is too.

She’s so like him — she has his eyes and throws back her head when she laughs, like him.

I think my husband could accept me having an affair as now he isn’t able to have sex.

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But he couldn’t cope with losing his baby girl. She’s the only happiness he has left, and the truth would destroy him.

It’s breaking my heart and I don’t know what to do.

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DEIDRE SAYS: This is an awful situation and there are, sadly, no easy answers.

While telling the truth might ease a burden from your mind, and allow your lover to form a relationship with his little girl, it would also destroy many lives.

Ultimately, your daughter des­erves to know who her real dad is.

Something has to change, as your lover is finding the strain of keeping your affair and his daughter’s existence secret too much to bear.

In the long term, he is likely to self-destruct. He needs to unburden and to get support.

Ask him to talk to someone in confidence – his GP is a good first step. My support pack about counselling has more information about this.

Also suggest he calls Supportline, which provides confidential emotional support (supportline.org.uk, 01708 765 200).

My support pack, Torn Between Two Men, might help you think about your options.

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