If you brag that your ‘four-poster’ is the epitome of elegance, interior designer to the stars NICKY HASLAM has news for you. Here he lists the most common – and vulgar – errors of taste
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Can we just address this four-poster bed thing, please? It’s a four-post bed – not a ‘four-poster’. Certainly not a four-poster bed! Terribly common to use the wrong terminology.
That said, I don’t like them. Too try-hard. Do make a feature of the bed, though; there’s nothing sadder than it being shoved up against a wall.
Please, however, do not make your statement with ‘scatter cushions’. I hate them. People claim they provide a ‘pop of colour’, which really is the most common phrase. Champagne corks may pop. Colours may not.
On the subject of colours, I do think burgundy dining rooms are dreadful. Actually, I think dining rooms are pretty dreadful. It’s just so hard to stop them looking like boardrooms, don’t you find?
I’m not averse to a bit of banquette seating to break up the monotony but do please consider the guest wedged in the middle.
HASLAM’S HORRORS
It’s a four-post bed, FYI: Nicky points out it’s terribly common to use the wrong terminology – it’s not a four-poster bed
Nicky hates scatter cushions while he finds transparent chairs in the kitchen extremely tacky
You don’t want Auntie to have to start thinking about making an exit to the loo just as the soup arrives.
Speaking of loos, I saw one recently with a rather charming frog theme. Frogs are everywhere this year, I’ve noticed. Loos can look a bit chilly so I’m in favour of frog-loo rather than igloo.
These quirky trends tend to come from social media, which is fine. However, when posting on Instagram, don’t do that dreadful thing of ascribing your décor to a day of the week: ‘wallpaper Wednesday’, ‘tweed Tuesday’, ‘frog Friday’.
And while we’re on the subject of animals, so many people seem to want a doggie boot room these days – somebody told me that one refers to this as ‘barkitecture’. Just wash the f**king dog in the stables!
Shun the chandelier – it’s the most common thing you can have, according to Nicky
Of course, you only need an odious dog-washing room if you’ve a big dog, and these are terribly common too. Labradors, for example. They’re all called Coco and they’re all incredibly stupid.
For heaven’s sake, have a pekingese.
Elsewhere in the animal kingdom, there’s a thing for sheep sculptures, and I’ve nothing against those. Have an entire flock if you must – to go with your flock wallpaper.
There are some rather wonderful trend names about at the moment. Have you heard about ‘whimsigoth’?
It reminds me of the way John Betjeman described St Cuthbert’s church in Earl’s Court: ‘nouveau viking’. Isn’t that a hoot?
Anyway, this is not to suggest that I think everything whimsical is acceptable.
Random kitchen tiles, for example – very common. Even if they’re antique. A craft-y splashback? Well, I suppose so. If you can be bothered.
The thing you really must never have in the kitchen is see-through chairs. Awful, awful. Just bring in some garden furniture. I often do that. Much better.
Note, however, that this does not work in reverse. The current vogue for outdoor furniture that looks like indoor furniture is dreadfully common. Outdoor sofa? Absolutely not. Outdoor armchair? Even worse.
WHAT EVERY HOME NEEDS
Nicky doesn’t have time for a bathroom without a bath. Another bathroom essential is a chair
Nicky is a fan of some of the things that people like to describe as ‘retro’, namely rattan and cork
While we’re on the subject of furniture in the wrong places, let’s talk about missing things. What are we doing having bathrooms without baths? They look all wrong. And do please remember a chair in the bathroom. It makes such a difference.
I do think fitted carpets in bathrooms are terribly chic, particularly if they’re covering up dreadful kipper-coloured wood, which is awfully common.
Elsewhere I prefer rugs – in fact I’ve designed a new range called Smoke and Mirrors with Silk Avenue.
Beautiful boucle: Bouclé is quite fabulous too, although it does seem to be all over just about everything this year
Moving to the living room and the most common thing you can have is a chandelier. Actually, any overhead lighting. Also, those silly, fuzzy stools in the shape of toadstools. Like sitting on a mangy sealyham terrier. Awful.
I’m often asked about seating in a living room, and I do rather like the current trend for sofa pits. Not that I’ve done one of those for a long time, mind.
In fact, the last was probably in Barbados in the 1980s. They’re rather fun if you want a sort of bar-room vibe, not to mention invitingly intimate. More ‘come on’ than ‘common’.
Speaking of the things that people like to describe as ‘retro’, I rather like rattan and cork. Bouclé is quite fabulous too, although it does seem to be all over just about everything this year.
I am even prepared to countenance the ‘avocado kitchen’ (although it does rather suggest that one has a kitchen especially for the preparation of avocados) but I will not tolerate awful conservatories.
It’s bad enough that people spent the 80s wasting money on the dreadful things, but the real abomination is referring to yours as ‘an orangery’.
Now that really is common.
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