I think my husband had an affair: Relationship counsellor Caroline West-Meads answers your problems
Q: I’ve been married for nearly 20 years, mostly happily, and we have two children in their late teens. We have had some rough patches though.
My husband is very attentive and loving – traits that I find difficult to express, which has caused tensions.
But recently I have come to suspect that he might have had an affair about three years ago with a much younger woman in her 30s – the daughter of a local family.
I had had some suspicions about it at the time because we were not getting on well at that point and he often made excuses to get out of the house. I do remember seeing him wink at her once at a party.
However I was then diagnosed with breast cancer (I have now had the all clear) and since then he has been the perfect husband, so I forgot about it.
I think my husband may have had an affair about three years ago with a much younger woman in her 30s (stock image)
But I am using an old phone of my husband’s and a few weeks ago, by chance, I discovered a contact on it for this woman on a messaging app which I think he had forgotten was on there. There would be no reason for him to have needed her number.
I do know that she’s currently in a settled relationship and that whatever was going on isn’t any more. It’s killing me inside but I am reluctant to confront him as we are very happy now.
I can’t prove anything and he would deny it. Do I let sleeping dogs lie?
A: Generally, in a marriage, it is best to be open with each other. However, after much consideration, I agree that there is probably nothing to gain by confronting your husband.
Things are good at the moment and this might open a can of worms. Your husband would indeed probably deny everything and you would never know for sure – with the result causing anger on both sides.
Supposing your fears were true, you could look at it this way: marriages can survive affairs if the unfaithful partner realises the pain caused and makes a genuine commitment to repairing the relationship.
So perhaps your cancer diagnosis changed things. Maybe the terror of losing you made him realise how much you really mean to him and how stupid he might have been.
You say he has been the perfect husband since your diagnosis – so perhaps this is his way of saying how sorry he is. You might find this a way to accept what has happened and move on.
It is good that you are happy now, and in order to strengthen your marriage further, it is also important to look at how difficulties have arisen and why you find it so hard to express love.
It could stem from many things – eg distant, unexpressive parents or even an autism spectrum diagnosis. Counselling, either alone or as a couple, would help you explore these issues further (relate.org.uk).
Should he come on our family holiday?
Q :Our 24-year-old daughter and her long-term boyfriend were meant to be coming on holiday with us this summer.
However, he split up with her four months ago. She was devastated and decided not to come.
Suddenly, she has met someone else and now wants to bring him instead. We are both happy for her and, of course, we wouldn’t say ‘no’ but I’m concerned that it could be awkward.
I fear that my daughter and her new boyfriend will split up while on holiday and ruin memories of a place to which we have all been going since she was a child (stock image)
Her new boyfriend seems very nice but we barely know him. I’m also worried that being together 24 hours a day so soon into a new relationship could prove too much.
We fear that they might split up while we are on holiday and ruin memories of a place to which we have all been going since she was a child.
A: Yes, this is a difficult situation. While of course you are glad that your daughter has met someone new and is happier, understandably you are also anxious that she is rushing into a relationship.
But there are a lot of ‘what ifs’ in your thoughts, some of which may never happen. Yes, the holiday may feel a bit awkward at times.
Yes, they could well split up (volcanically or calmly), and you might have to put him on a train and console your daughter. But these are negative spirals of thought, so try to stop ‘catastrophising’.
And ‘what if’ it all goes really well, he turns out to be the love of her life and you and your husband find you get on with him famously?
All you can do is take it one step at a time and deal with any problems ‘if’ they arise.
You probably also have your own sense of loss over her previous boyfriend, to whom you must have grown close, so try not to let that stop you from getting to know and like this new man.
- If you have a problem, write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email [email protected]. You can follow Caroline on Twitter @Ask_Caroline_
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