Psychotherapist: These are the eight ‘harsh truths’ that will improve your life even though they’re not easy to hear: ‘It’s you, not them’
- The therapist said people cause many of their problems
- He believes they do this because they are ‘seeking suffering’
A certified psychotherapist and relationship expert has revealed the eight harsh truths that will ‘improve your life’ even though they might be challenging to hear.
Todd Baratz, who lives in New York and is a licensed mental health counsellor, said the facts highlight that many of his clients’ life problems are caused or perpetuated by their own behaviour.
He has noticed that his clients are often unconsciously ‘seeking pain and suffering’ due to trauma and reenactment of childhood experiences.
‘Instead of feeling shame, we should focus on learning new things to break these patterns and move towards creating a more satisfying life,’ he advised.
Certified sex therapist and relationship expert, Todd Baratz, (pictured) has revealed the eight harsh truths that will ‘improve your life’ when you accept them
The first hard life truth he shared was that when relationships aren’t working out, it is often your own fault: ‘It’s you not them’.
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He explained that if people keep ending up in the same dissatisfying relationship patterns, it is likely because they are pursuing it.
‘Stop blaming others and take responsibility for the role you play in these relationships,’ Todd said.
The second hard truth is that ‘you don’t need your parents approval’ to live.
Todd explained that constantly seeking the approval prevents people feeling confident and content. Instead they should let it go and grieve ‘the loss of implied in never being able to get it’.
The sex therapist surprised many of his followers with the fact that they do not need to have all their needs met by their partner as this desire can actually be an unhealthy way of reenacting trauma or ‘parentifying’ them.
Eight harsh truths for life according to Todd Baratz
1. It’s you not them – if you keep ending up in the same dissatisfying relationship patterns, it is likely because you are pursuing it.
2. You don’t need your parents approval – constantly seeking the approval prevents you feeling confident and content, instead you should let it go and grieve ‘the loss of implied in never being able to get it’.
3. You do not need to have all your needs met by your partner – this desire can actually be an unhealthy way of reenacting trauma or ‘parentifying’ your partner.
4. Stop overanalysing other people – instead focus on if and why you like them if they are not showing you enough attention.
5. Set better boundaries – if your boundaries are repeatedly being intruded on, the problem is likely you rather than the other person.
6. Let go of the Disney fantasy – stop looking for ‘the one’.
7. Stop living in denial – accept that you care about things that impact you.
8. Stop avoiding people – spending so much time alone may be due to avoiding other people, rather than actually wanting to be alone.
(Source: Todd Baratz)
‘Real power and growth comes from changing yourself not demanding that your partner fulfill all your needs,’ he explained.
He also advised people to ‘stop overanalyzing other people’ and wondering if they are liked. He said to instead focus on ‘if and why you like them’.
Another key point was the need to ‘set better boundaries’.
Todd explained that if boundaries are repeatedly being intruded on, the problem is likely ‘you rather than the other person’.
‘What is preventing you from feeling powerful enough to set and reinforce your boundaries?’ he asked.
Another harsh truth was that many people must ‘let go of the Disney fantasy’ and stop looking for ‘the one’.
‘You’re not looking for the perfect bag, you’re looking to create co-intimacy with a human being,’ he advised.
The expert also urged people to ‘stop living in denial’ by pretending they don’t care about things that impact them.
‘You simple don’t feel powerful and confident enough to give yourself permission to communicate or pursue your desires,’ he explained.
The final truth he shared, and one that struck a chord with many, was that spending so much time alone may be because they are avoiding other people, rather than actually wanting to be alone.
‘That last one hits hard though,’ one woman said after seeing the advice.
‘Shesh. The truth I needed telling. Thanks for the reality check,’ another said.
However, several had trouble accepting that they could actually be the problem rather than their partner.
‘No but it really is them,’ one woman said.
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