This week our attention moves to another relationship dilemma after our expert had their say on last week’s sizeable problem.
Today’s tricky situation involves a woman who says her boyfriend has some interesting tastes when it comes to sex, even though their relationship is ‘normal’ in other ways.
She says she’s happy to go along with what her man wants in the bedroom, and that she enjoys it herself, but wants to know what it is that makes him want to have this kind of sexual experience.
Could it be that she herself actually wants the same thing, or is she just trying to please others? Read on and have your say.
The problem
I’m in my mid-twenties and my boyfriend is five years older. Last year we moved in together, and on the surface, we have a normal relationship. We have good jobs, plenty of friends and reasonable relationships with both families. But here’s what’s different. He is very into me having sex with older men, usually while he watches. However, even if he can’t be there, he gets turned on by me telling him about it.
It started a couple of years ago when this older guy gave us a lift home from a party. We invited him in, and the talk turned to sex. My boyfriend was really encouraging this guy to make a move on me, and as I’d had quite a lot to drink, it wasn’t long before one thing led to another.
After that my boyfriend wanted to do it more often, and I’m happy to go along with it. But if any guy around my age shows me the slightest bit of attention, he gets very jealous – so it has to be older guys, often in their fifties or sixties. We’ll just get chatting to someone in the pub (not our local – we drive to different places where we won’t be known) and sometimes we pick guys up online.
Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy it, but I know it’s not exactly ‘normal’ behaviour and I’m sure my friends and family would freak out if they knew.
My question is – why is he like this?
What our experts say
Although you ask why your boyfriend is like this, our experts question why you are like this.
‘It sounds like you’re a passenger on this journey, doing things to please your boyfriend and these other men.’ says Dr Angharad Rudkin. ‘If this is what you really want, then there is nothing wrong with this consensual sex. However, if you’re doing it because you worry your boyfriend will leave if you say no, that is less healthy.’
Saying you are ‘happy to go along with it’ is not exactly a strong endorsement. ‘You seem to have persuaded yourself that the stranger-sex thing is fine, but you’ve realised that jealousy is a problem’ says James McConnachie. ‘The power relationship you have with your boyfriend sounds worrying. He’s putting you in risky situations and although you say you’re willing, it sounds very much led by him’.
Dr Rudkin wonders whether something in your childhood has led to you seeking validation in destructive ways. ‘Maybe you were brought up to believe your needs weren’t important.’ she says. ‘It’s time to stand up for yourself. You’re perfectly entitled to speak to guys of your own age, as much as you’re entitled to not have to perform with older men.’
Perhaps it’s also time to stop wondering why your boyfriend is like this and focus on why you are allowing it.
Says McConnachie: ‘Don’t ask ‘why is he like this’ but ‘is this really you’? Answer that question honestly, and you’ll know what to do next.’
What do you think?
Leave your own advice in the comments section below and we will publish a selection of the best reader words of wisdom.
The experts:
Laura Collins is a counsellor and columnist
James McConnachie is the author of Sex (Rough Guides)
Dr Angharad Rudkin is a clinical psychologist
Got a sex and dating dilemma?
To get expert advice, send your problem to [email protected]
Last week’s poll
Last week you voted on a question from a woman who asked what she should do because she feared sex with her boyfriend as he is rather well-endowed downstairs. Here are the results:
- Be honest and ask him to be more gentle – 54%
- Tell him and work out other ways to be intimate with each other- 34%
- Ditch him – you won’t have a decent sex life if you’re incompatible in bed- 10%
- None of the above – I’ll leave my comment below- 2%
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