Suspect your partner is cheating? Expert reveals EXACTLY what to do – from the best way to confront them to the seven promises they need to make if you want to take them back
- UK psychotherapist Neil Wilkie revealed how to move on from infidelity
- Said a partner needs to be willing to agree to seven promises to move forward
- Outlined exactly how to bring up the issue of betrayal – and what terms to avoid
Infidelity is enough to rock any relationship, no matter how strong it seems.
But hurt, betrayal, and loss of trust is possible to overcome as long as both partners are willing to put in the work, an expert has explained.
UK psychotherapist Neil Wilkie, author of the Relationship Paradigm books, told FEMAIL has revealed exactly what steps a wronged party should take if he or she suspects a partner has been cheating – and the three-step process to follow if they want to move forward.
The hurt, betrayal, and loss of trust that comes with infidelity is possible to overcome as long as both partners are willing to put in the work, an expert has explained. Stock image
If you suspect your partner is cheating
The first thing to remember is that it is always best to express your concerns.
‘If you do not, that seed of mistrust will grow and you will focus on what they are doing wrong rather than what they are doing right,’ warned Neil. ‘This is a way of destroying the relationship from within.’
When you bring up the topic of infidelity, make sure you choose a time and space that is free of distractions.
‘Always start the conversation with “I am feeling x” rather than “you did y”,’ Neil said.
‘This will engage them with how you are feeling rather than them becoming defensive and dismissive. If it matters to you, they should want to invest in rebuilding trust.’
From blurred boundaries to a loss of intimacy: How cheating differs between new and long-term relationships
Neil said: ‘It is very important for a new relationship to be built on really strong foundations. If there are doubts early on, then the cracks will grow.
‘The fundamental rules should be based on each of your values and the boundaries. Ideally these should be discussed and agreed early on so that you both understand, for example, what each of you would consider a betrayal.
‘In a longer-term relationship, betrayals often come from an unmet need, such as a falling off in intimacy.
‘Unless a couple have regular check in conversation about the state of their relationship and what could be even better, they are in danger of building up resentments and drifting apart.’
Listening to your partner’s response
Listen to your partner and trust your gut when it comes to interpreting any denial. ‘This feeling should tell you if they are being honest or dismissive,’ Neil said.
If you suspected your partner has been unfaithful but your suspicions were misplaced, then use this as an opportunity to clarify boundaries and rebuild trust.
Neil, creator of online couples therapy programme, The Relationship Paradigm (www.relationshipparadigm) continued: ‘If your suspicions are correct, then you will be in control of your future. If you get an answer that is unconvincing then you need to explore further.’
How to move forward after cheating
This is where it is important to follow a three-step plan, according to Neil.
Work through the following in turn:
STEP ONE: THE SIX KEYS TO A HAPPY RELATIONSHIP
Start by rating each of these ‘key elements’ to a happy relationship on a scale of 1-10, based on how it functioned before the betrayal.
‘If the scores were low then what are you both going to do to dramatically improve this?,’ he asked. Without improvement across the board, there will be no relationship worth saving.
Communication: Talking to each other, being able to express how you feel to each other and feeling heard.
Connection: This can be a look, a touch, a word. Anything from moments of intimacy as if the world has stopped and nothing else matters to to wild sex swinging from the chandeliers.
Commitment: Making sure you are both investing in the relationship to allow it to continue to grow and flourish.
Fun: Fun often gets forgotten about. Couples need to unleash the child within them, do silly things to laugh until they can’t laugh anymore.
Growth: There’s three parties in a relationship; there’s the you, the me and the us and they all need to be growing because life changes, time moves on and the relationship is not a static thing, it needs to be vibrant and changing.
Trust: We normally assume we trust the other person until something happens to make us doubt that. When things are going well trust doesn’t figure at all, it’s just there it’s assumed.
UK psychotherapist Neil Wilkie told FEMAIL has revealed exactly what steps a wronged party should take if he or she suspects a partner has been cheating. Stock image
SECOND STEP: CLARIFY YOUR FEELINGS
The second step is about clarifying your own feelings:
- You need to understand what happened what the other person was providing that was missing from your relationship.
- You also need to understand what the reality of your relationship was beforehand and whether you had any part in creating the situation where they wanted to have an affair.
- You then need to be very clear about the future that you want, is it possible to create a new and better relationship with your existing partner or do you need to look elsewhere.
- Can you ever forgive them and are they showing sufficient remorse to you?
You were attractive and desirable beforehand, fundamentally nothing has changed. The future is now in your hands.
THIRD STEP: YOUR PARTNER’S TURN
- All the questions about why it happened and how it happened to be answered honestly.
- For the affair partner to show remorse to the betrayed partner in the way that they need
- To understand the reality of the relationship before the affair and whether this needed to be improved to have a clear ending of the affair with the illicit partner and an ending of the toxic triangle
- Total openness and transparency about any contact, emails, messaging with the illicit partner
- Both of you to want a better future rather than being trapped in the pain of the past.
- For you both to create a new and better relationship rather than putting a sticking plaster over the old.
- For there to eventually be forgiveness on all sides
Treat this all as an awakening. A painful, hurtful but important opportunity to reflect on what the relationship was like and through the trauma to grow into a better future.
Yes, cheating IS about emotion… but it doesn’t hurt to give yourself a makeover, too
Margaret Bankole, a relationship expert with more than 20 years’ experience weighs in on how to move on after a betrayal.
In my opinion, you should look at the reasons why the other person cheated. I know of couples that bounced back from cheating and went on to have good relationships.
Cheating never starts with jumping in to bed with someone. It starts with a conversation, maybe flirting, and then it progresses. You have a chance to stop at every juncture.
I think you also need to remember why you fell in love with the other person. Life can become monotonous, but in a relationship, you should be each others best friend. Reconnect again, laugh, smile.
Look attractive for yourself and your partner. Get that hair colour. Get some new clothes. Feel good about you, and it will become like a magnet to your other half.
And never stop talking. Communication is one of the biggest things that you need to keep and maintain in a relationship. Correct with love and not coercion. And work on any money issues, because that is another huge obstacle. Money mis-management can break a relationship.
Source: Read Full Article
