The concept of “punching above your weight”, or “punching” for short, was first used in sport, specifically boxing, Chengi Tobun, an intuitive relationship teacher, told Express.co.uk. Coined to describe the idea of a boxer fighting above their weight class, such as someone who is bigger and stronger than them, it was later used “as an expression indicating that someone may have more influence or power than they would be expected to have”. Annabelle Knight, a relationship expert at Lovehoney, added that “the notion has become more prevalent in recent years with the emergence of social media and particularly the rise in reality dating shows, such as Love Island, where people will take to Twitter to give their opinion on who is and isn’t punching”. Due to the normalisation of rating men and women’s looks for fun – seen everywhere from social media and reality TV shows to dating apps and tabloid newspapers, Hazel was not surprised by the negative comments she received on TikTok.
“Anyone who has lived experience as a woman will know that we can never win,” she said.
“Either we are fishing for compliments or we are full of ourselves. Most men can’t really understand women who are able to love themselves.”
In the video clip, Hazel stands next to her tall, slim husband – characteristics that make him conventionally attractive by Western standards – as the text on-screen reads: “When are we going to see insanely hot men with average looking women?”
Hazel said she “giggled at the sheer stupidity” of the trend before uploading the video, but the comments that followed have stuck with her 12 months later, revealing something not so funny about society.
The 30-year-old explained that most of the cruel comments were by men, telling her she was ugly or that she was fishing for compliments. “The biggest comment from women was, ‘is your husband single?’,” she added.
Hazel said she believes “we are only human and can be quick to make snap judgements”.
“I definitely think that if me and my husband are out of the house and I’m not wearing make-up then people kind of look between us as if they are trying to figure out how I bagged him,” she explained. “If I’ve got make-up on and my hair done then those looks disappear.”
She went on to say that the constant comments people both on and offline continue to make about herself and her husband would “100 percent” impact her self-esteem if she wasn’t a confident person.
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“I am very lucky that I am secure both in myself and in my relationship,” Hazel said. “But I believe that if I wasn’t then I really would have been negatively impacted by the amount of people commenting saying I was ‘below average’ or that my husband was ‘for sure’ cheating on me.
“This is why women feel so much pressure to lose weight, have plastic surgery, get their hair done, and so on. We can never just be comfortable being ourselves because we are always told that we are lacking in some way.”
Despite this, Plato’s centuries-old idea that beauty is in the eye of the beholder serves as a reminder that looks shouldn’t matter.
Danielle Baron, a coach and therapist, said: “It’s important to note that physical attractiveness is only one aspect of a person, and it’s the quality of the relationship and compatibility between partners that ultimately determines the success and satisfaction of the relationship.”
@hazelmcbrideauthor I wanted to stitch the original video but it wasn’t allowed. So just a video of us looking awkward #couplesoftiktok #shrekinthesky #millennialcouple ♬ original sound – Emily Bonani
Danielle has been in relationships where people would often compare herself and her partner, but, unlike Hazel, she was considered “the hotter one”. From her personal experiences, she said “it can bring insecurities into the relationship and your partner can start to put you down, even subconsciously, because they feel inferior”.
“It’s a strange dynamic because the partner that is considered more attractive may feel guilt from other people’s comments,” she added.
Pippa Murphy, sex and relationship expert at Condoms.co.uk, agreed. She reiterated that the concept of punching can “also have a detrimental effect on the ‘more attractive’ partner as they may feel guilty for taking up more space in the relationship and receiving more attention from others”.
“They may also worry about losing their looks or falling out of love with their partner if they become less physically attractive over time due to ageing or illness,” Pippa explained.
As for the “less attractive” partner, their experiences could lead to “jealousy, insecurity, or even breaking up”.
“This partner may be told that they’re punching regularly, which is likely to make them feel insecure about their own appearance, whilst eventually building some sort of resentment towards the ‘more attractive’ partner for their positive attention.”
Although beauty is subjective and the idea of punching is flawed as, according to Annabelle Knight, “it relies on a perceived imbalance that quite possibly isn’t there”, it doesn’t stop society from “telling us there’s always one person who is better than the other”.
“This is because it makes us feel better about ourselves when we’re single or unhappy in our relationships,” Pippa explained. “It helps us rationalise why we can’t find someone or why our current partner isn’t right for us. But when we start comparing ourselves to other people, we put ourselves in a negative mindset. We start thinking that our lives would be better if only someone else were in them. And that’s not true at all – it’s just the opposite of what you should be doing.”
Annabelle stressed that “punching is either primarily used as a put down or as a backhanded compliment”.
“Therefore, it shouldn’t be given much attention – especially if you are the one it’s being directed at,” she added.
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