EARLIER this week, some stupid vegetablists with bad breath and public school names like “Jasmine” and “Bethany” blockaded a McDonald’s distribution centre in Hampshire.

They say they want the company to become fully vegan by 2025.

Which is a bit like blockading Ford’s HQ until they agree to stop making cars and produce lettuces instead.

A Big Mac has meat in it. The end.

I was invited recently to see if I could tell the difference between something called an “impossible burger”, which was made from God knows what, and the real thing.

And it was easy. The real burger was delicious. The other one made me gag.

It was like eating the sludge at the bottom of a can of diesel.

So if McDonald’s were to stop selling burgers, they’d lose all their customers and go out of business.

And if that happened, what would we do the next time we had a hangover?

Because a cucumber sure as hell won’t cure it, whereas a Maccy D will.

I don’t mind if people want to eat nothing but seeds and weeds.

If they want to produce farts that can kill a fully grown man at 300 paces, that’s their lookout.

But why should they insist we all do the same thing?

And why do the police stand by for days and let them?

If I blocked a road to my local garden centre saying I wouldn’t move until management agreed to replace all the roses and pansies with lamb and pork chops, Plod would have me in a cell in five minutes flat.

And the road open five minutes after that.

Besides, if we all went vegetarian, it would be extremely bad news for the environment.

If we don’t have cows in the fields, then there will be no cow muck, and without that, none of the plants the vegans like so much will grow.

Unless, no doubt, we use chemicals instead.

Grass-fed cows, and pigs, and sheep, are therefore critical for the health of our soil. Which in turn is critical for the health of our planet.

Remember that the next time you sit down for a nice roast on Sunday.

In my view you are doing the world a favour. It’s the same as driving around in a Nissan Leaf.

Only without the child slavery caused by the Nissan’s batteries.

Meanwhile, “Sebastian” and “Tarquin”, who are having an avocado instead, should remember that they are often grown in South America, no doubt using water that people need, and then stored in a refrigerated container, and then flown on a jet 5,000 miles to England, where they are loaded into a diesel-powered lorry and delivered to your supermarket.

Green? Healthy? Don’t make me laugh. And now, if you’ll forgive me, I’m off to have a ham sandwich.

Which was created using meat from a woodland pig, bread made with local wheat, and butter from a local cow.

This means, in my opinion, my carbon footprint is way smaller than any vegetarian’s. And my breath smells better also.

Who played Friends’ Joey? I’ve drawn a Blanc

EVERYONE is very excited about Friends reunited.

Except me.

Because I never saw it the first time round.

I am aware, however, that it was a huge success and launched many careers.

Though I’ve no idea what happened to the chap who played Joey.

It seems he disappeared without a trace.

F1 Max on the button

NORMALLY, when someone dies, he’s given an easy ride by the newspapers, even if he’s been a bounder and a scoundrel for his entire life.

This did not happen, however, with former Formula One boss Max Mosley, who died this week aged 81.

Ooh, he was given a kicking.

Yes, his dad was the pre-war fascist leader Oswald Mosley and his mum was the Hitler enthusiast Diana Mitford.

It’s also true to say the couple were married in the home of Josef Goebbels, and Adolf himself was among the guests.

It’s also true that in the 1960s, Max published a pamphlet explaining how migration had caused an outbreak of leprosy and VD.

Then, in 2008, he was caught by the News of the World in a nit-picking sadomasochistic orgy.

An incident which caused him to wage a war on Press freedom. I’d like to say, however, that he wasn’t all bad.

Because while running the motorsport governing body the FIA, he started a campaign to replace the ignition key with a button in ordinary cars because, in a crash, a key sticking out of the steering column can hurt your knee.

Dish is simply batty

THE arguments still rage about where the coronavirus came from.

Some blame a leaky lab in China.

Others suggest it’s because someone in Wuhan ate a bat.

Well, I once ate a bat and it was, by far and away, the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to put in my mouth.

It was like eating a skeleton.

And because all the two million bones were the shape of miniature cocktail sticks, it felt like I was eating a light bulb.

I’ve never seen so much blood.

On balance then, I reckon Covid escaped from a lab.

20/20 vision?

WE know that Covid affected Dominic Cummings’s sight so badly, he felt the need to drive to Barnard Castle to make sure he could see properly.

Luckily it seems his hindsight was un­affected.

Car 9? Child's play . . .

POLICE officers say they were “stunned” when nine people clambered out of a Skoda they’d pulled over for a routine traffic stop.

Apparently, there were two people in the front, five in the back, and a further two in the boot.

And Plod was “stunned” by this?

I’m not, because it sounds pretty much exactly what life was like for me, back in the seventies, on a school run.

We’d regularly get ten into Mr Atkins’s diarrhoea-coloured Moskvich, which was like a Mini, only smaller.

Most mornings at least one child would suffocate to death but hey, it was better than using the bus.

Vaccine selfies

I READ this week that in the global race to get everyone vaccinated, Britain has fallen to fourth place, behind Bhutan.

And I do find myself wondering.

Would we still be ahead if people went to the centre and had the jab WITHOUT asking for the nurse to take a time-wasting selfie?

Idea so fuelish

WORRYING news from the chemists.

It seems the TikTok and Instagram craze for having perfect teeth is causing people to gargle at night with rocket propellant.

Experts say the desire for a whiter-than-white smile is causing everyone to buy cheap teeth-whitening kits that contain dangerous levels of hydrogen peroxide.

The same stuff that Chuck Yeager used to power his way through the sound barrier.

I can’t for the life of me work out why this has suddenly occurred to me, but Richard Hammond called last week, while doing 27,000mph on his way to Mars.

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