DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER 30 years together, my husband has unanimously traded our sex life for porn.
He is no longer interested in having sex with me and won’t discuss why. It’s left me feeling unwanted, ugly and sad.
I’m 60 and he’s 62. We always had a healthy sexual relationship until three years ago, when he just stopped wanting me.
But he didn’t go off all sex – at least not solo sex. He is happy to pleasure himself frequently, while he watches pornographic videos online.
When I try to talk about it, he simply evades the issue. I’ve even cried about it, and he just shrugs.
I’ve asked if he finds me unattractive, and he says he thinks I’m beautiful.
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When we’re not in the bedroom, he is always complimenting me, kissing and hugging me.
But if I show I want sex, he pushes me away, rolls over and goes to sleep. I’m at the end of my tether.
I don’t want to be in a sexless marriage, but I don’t want to leave him because I love him.
What can I do?
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DEIDRE SAYS: Sexual intimacy is a very important part of a marriage, and it’s very hurtful that your husband has checked out without discussion.
I wonder if there’s something deeper going on.
Perhaps he is experiencing problems with his erections but is too embarrassed to tell you.
Manual stimulation is different from intercourse.
Or it could be that watching too much porn has desensitised him, so normal sex no longer excites him.
My support pack, Upset By Pornography, might be helpful for you to read.
You need to talk again and encourage him to be honest.
If possible, suggest you both attend sex therapy together. Contact COSRT (cosrt.org.uk) who can help you find a reputable sex therapist.
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