ALEXANDRA SHULMAN’S NOTEBOOK: Hancock is no celebrity… get him out of there
Even the allure of the £400,000 that Matt Hancock is supposed to be getting from ITV to appear in I’m A Celebrity is surely not enough to justify the idiocy of his decision.
There is nobody, literally nobody, who appears in a better light after their time in the jungle, choking on disgusting creepy-crawlies and immersing themselves in revolting feats of supposed bravado in the name of entertainment.
And let’s not forget how hideous they all look, with their sweaty, dirty and generally squalid appearance filling our screens night after night.
Hancock has made the peculiarly stupid choice to fling himself into the embrace of television celebrity, possibly because his political career is irrecoverable.
It’s true that Nadine Dorries made the same decision to go into the jungle in 2012 and lived to return, most recently as Culture Secretary set on overhauling the BBC and selling off Channel 4, leaving us with the threat of an even greater diet of gruesome ‘reality’ TV fare.
Even the allure of the £400,000 that Matt Hancock is supposed to be getting from ITV to appear in I’m A Celebrity is surely not enough to justify the idiocy of his decision
But one wonders what Hancock hopes to achieve by going on the show.
With intense scrutiny continuing over his role in the Government’s response to Covid and the pillorying he received after his extra-marital antics were filmed on CCTV, it seems unlikely being covered in muck and battling venomous snakes is going to do much to enhance his career path.
Hancock is not alone in craving TV celebrity.
In the jungle this year, he will be in the company of Mike Tindall – who, until now, has seemed a rather level-headed bolt-on Royal married to Princess Anne’s daughter Zara – and DJ Chris Moyles.
Will any of them shine on screen? Television success demands a personality that is quite unlike that of lesser mortals. This is why the excessive character of Boy George may do well this season. Being sensible, intelligent and presentable will get you precisely nowhere.
Why is it that, time and time again, people you think of as relatively sane like to try their chances on TV?
My own experiences of doing TV have only gone to show how poor I am at it. Far too vanilla in opinion, cautious about offending and with an uninterestingly posh accent, I have none of the extremity of persona that generally marks success. Combine that with the fact that TV adds a good half stone to everyone’s appearance, and I regard myself as a disaster.
ALEXANDRA SHULMAN (pictured): Why is it that, time and time again, people you think of as relatively sane like to try their chances on TV? My own experiences of doing TV have only gone to show how poor I am at it
When Absolutely Fashion – a documentary about Vogue in which I played a leading role – was screened in 2016, I had to spend half the duration with my hands over my eyes.
The most successful celebrities hit the screen as a vivid caricature of a persona, instantly recognisable and mostly over-the-top. Trademark characteristics such as Claudia Winkleman’s orange tan and slick-as-cellophane hair and Nigella’s camped up sexiness will get you so far. But it takes real skill to be as good as the likes of them on camera.
If Hancock dreams that his stint in the jungle will offer him salvation in the form of mainstream celebrity, he’s quite deluded. It makes the thought that he was in charge of something as vital as our health care during a global pandemic utterly terrifying.
It’s curtains again for our grand idea
In the constant quest to make the house warmer, we are about to get new curtains. The plan is to replace the vintage linen ones that have done the job since we moved in with a plush heavier velvet.
‘About to’, though, is a relative term. We have been ‘about to’ do this for at least three years, whenever the temperature drops.
Every year, the project flounders over the issue of colour. Should the new drapes be a deep shade that will add a cosy but frumpy warmth to the room, or would something brighter be more contemporary and generally appealing?
David and I disagree. By the time we have not made a decision, it will be spring again and those linen curtains will still be in place.
The barking life of a cosseted corgi
My hairdresser George Northwood has just launched a dog shampoo. I’m sure it’s excellent but since we don’t have a dog, I’ve donated the bottle I was given to my sister’s corgi to try out.
Should you be interested in the verdict, log into his Instagram @mishkacorgo where he will be posting once he’s been manoeuvred under the hose and had time to consider the results.
Hopefully, soon, Frette or the White Company will make a chic hooded gown for him to lounge about in, as he dries off after his shower to lie on his sheepskin-lined basket. It’s certainly a dog’s life.
My hairdresser George Northwood has just launched a dog shampoo. I’m sure it’s excellent but since we don’t have a dog, I’ve donated the bottle I was given to my sister’s corgi to try out
Alarming talk about the emergency exit
To Suffolk, where I was giving a talk in the theatre of a local arts centre.
The man running the affair came on stage to give me and my fellow speaker, Vogue biographer Julie Summers, a fulsome introduction – but not before having spent several minutes instructing the audience in detail on what to do in an emergency.
This was not, as is common in such situations, the most speedy way to evacuate but instead the least disruptive manner of finding the loos ‘should you be taken short’.
Changing the tone from that vital information to the reasons why clothes matter was something of a jump.
Go West for a fix of sleazy darkness
Dominic West’s performance as the cross-dressing Lieutenant Colonel Wrangel Clarke in the BBC’s SAS Rogue Heroes is quite brilliant. The actor is so good at conveying a sleazy darkness simmering beneath a rigid Establishment veneer, which is perfect for Clarke – the man who came up with the original idea of the SAS before David Stirling made it a reality.
How, I wonder, is he going to manage in his portrayal of Charles in the new series of The Crown, who has none of the dastardly allure of West’s most successful roles?
Dominic West’s performance as the cross-dressing Lieutenant Colonel Wrangel Clarke in the BBC’s SAS Rogue Heroes is quite brilliant
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