How to apologise when you've messed up

We’ve all lost our cool or reacted in a way we weren’t proud of before – just normally not in front of the whole world like Will Smith.

The King Richard star lashed out during Sunday’s Oscars ceremony, slapping Chris Rock after the host made a joke about wife Jada Pinkett-Smith’s hair loss, calling her GI Jane.

The surreal incident has been the talk of tinseltown and beyond over the last few days, with various people weighing in on whether Will was right or wrong in his response – including Anthony Joshua offering punching tips ‘for next time’.

Will Smith himself, however, has issued an apology for his actions in an emotional video posted to Instagram.

The 53-year-old said the was ’embarrassed’ and that ‘violence in all of its forms is poisonous and destructive.’

He continued: ‘My behaviour at last night’s Academy Awards was unacceptable and inexcusable. Jokes at my expense are a part of the job, but a joke about Jada’s medical condition was too much for me to bear and I reacted emotionally.

‘I would like to publicly apologise to you, Chris. I was out of line and I was wrong.’

Also included was an apology to The Academy, who is investigating the incident, and those who witnessed it from home or at the ceremony.

Whatever you think of what went down at the star-studded bash, most of us can empathise with the pressure that Will Smith will be feeling to made amends – as well as the guilt and shame that follows making a mistake.

In a world where influencers release notes app apologies for racist tweets and MPs snigger while dodging questions about misdeeds, it can feel like sorry seems to be the hardest word.

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But that doesn’t mean there’s no value in a genuine and heartfelt apology – it just means that you need to actually take responsibility for what you’ve done and accept that you aren’t owed forgiveness.

Caroline Plumer, Therapist and Director at CPPC London, tells Metro.co.uk: ‘A friend once said to me, “an apology is I and I alone” and although these are great words to live by, having to take responsibility and reflect on something that you’ve done wrong can be very confronting and painful.

‘However, it’s a necessary and healthy part of being an adult and in some instances, can repair, improve, and even save a relationship.’

She’s compiled some tips to convey how sorry you are after you’ve messed up, hopefully repairing bonds but most importantly showing contrition and holding yourself accountable.

Take time to self-reflect

‘Take a moment to consider what you could have done differently and how you might choose to behave going forward,’ says Caroline.

When emotions are running high it can be difficult to see where we’ve gone wrong and go straight to defensiveness. Remove yourself from a situation so your judgement isn’t clouded by anger or your fight or flight response.

Own your actions

When you’ve made a mistake, your natural response may be to explain why you acted that way. Yet this can come off badly during an apology if it seems like you’re not taking responsibility.

Caroline says: ‘Apologise without justifying your behaviour or negating it by following it with a ‘but’ statement (e.g., ‘but I was really stressed that day’, ‘but you had really upset me’).

‘This type of language tends to end up sounding like an excuse rather than apology.’

Try to acknowledge and empathise

Caroline says: ‘Be ready to listen to how your actions may have impacted others and affirm their feelings (using statements like ‘that must have been really upsetting’ ‘you must have found that really hard’).

‘It can be tempting to try and minimise or explain away their feelings – particularly if they make you feel uncomfortable – but try to see things from their position.’

Don’t approach discussions with the goal of ‘winning’ the argument, but look to repair your relationship and the hurt you may have caused.

Offer reparation

‘An apology is great, but it doesn’t necessarily change or fix what has happened,’ says Caroline. ‘Be open to discussing what you can do to try and improve the situation.’

Follow up with actions to show you’re not all talk, whether that’s keeping your promise not to do the thing you’re sorry for or replacing/repairing something you may have broken.

Be genuine

Caroline says: ‘If you aren’t sorry, or don’t intend to change your behaviour going forward, be prepared to interrogate your motivations for apologising and why there is reluctance to offer a genuine apology.

‘There is rarely long term value in a false apology, even if it makes someone feel better in the short term.’

Empty apologies will lead to further conflict as your behaviour won’t change, adding to feelings of betrayal and mistrust beyond what initially happened.

You may not receive the response you want after you say sorry, so try to accept that you can’t force forgiveness.

Give your apology from the heart and without expecting anything back, and hopefully in time you can patch things up. Even if your relationship is never the same, at least they know you’re remorseful.

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