Leonard* was attentive, charming, and tall (around 5’9″ in person, 5’11” on Hinge). He asked a lot of questions about me, which put him in the top 90th percentile of men, and even listened to some of my answers—top 95th.
After our second date two weeks ago, he said he’d text me when he got home from visiting his parents that weekend. But as you can guess based on the headline you already clicked on, he went radio silent.
While I know the most logical option would have been to merely accept his lack of response as his way of saying “hi, nope, not interested,” I wanted to try something new. Enter: sex magick.
Sex magick is the idea of harnessing the sexual energy from an orgasm and using it to manifest something. I read some people have used their orgasm to manifest a better career, and other people have used it to release what’s holding them back. For me, I decided to use the power of my pussy to manifest a text back from Leonard.
I figured, hey, even if this so called “magic” didn’t work, I’d at least still get an orgasm from it. So after diving into the specifics of sex magick via some internet witches who told me it was one of the most powerful forces there is, I was ready to lay out a game plan.
According to the sex magick experts, I first had to articulate my exact desire, as this would help move my thoughts into a tangible realm to which the magic could act on them. Plain and simple: I wanted Leonard to text me back.
But apparently it wasn’t enough to just articulate it, I had to visualize it too, since this would allow our dreams to “sail into the universe,” allegedly.
To visualize, some experts recommend using your specific skillset—a musician could play music about their desire, a painter could paint it out. I’m a comedian, so I could have Tweeted about wanting Leonard to text me back, but I had obviously already done that, and it didn’t work, so I was down to try something else.
I drew an image of a text back from Leonard. Did I feel desperate doing this? Yes. But did I feel desperate about 80 percent of the time, regardless of whether I was using my orgasm to manifest a response from an uncommunicative male? Also yes.
The next step was to choose the right timeframe for my sex magick ritual.
Some Internet witches recommend the full-moon to get in sync with lunar vibrations, while others suggest doing it while menstruating. But based on my research, it didn’t seem like there was a definite wrong time to do it, so I picked a three-day window during which I’d be PMS-ing—the time when I’m most uncontrollably horny.
Before I got into bed, I once again put my desire into the universe. While my vibrator charged, I walked clockwise in a circle and spoke out loud what I wanted to create: a world in which Leonard texted me back. I did this for about 20 minutes, tip-toeing around a dirty pile of clothes on my floor, in near silence, saying, “Leonard, text me back.” (Yes, it was as embarrassing as this visual sounds.)
When it was time to masturbate, I took off my clothes and climbed into bed. Now for context, I’m a pretty simple masturbator. I normally lie on my back, put the vibrator on my clit, and let it do its thing. But because it was recommended to let the orgasmic energy build up as much as possible, I edged myself with my vibrator.
I put the vibrator on my clitoris for ten seconds at a time, then took it off and spoke my desire out loud, really wishing Leonard had a less stupid name.
As the vibrator was doing its thing, I pictured a text back from Leonard. And while it took far longer than usual to reach orgasm—maybe because I was edging myself, maybe because I was humiliating myself—when I finally did achieve orgasm, I definitely felt a different energy release.
I can normally keep the vibrator in and around my clitoris right after to really squeeze every ounce of pleasure out of the orgasm, but after this one, I had to remove it immediately. The ritual had served its purpose. It was time to wait and see if the magic had taken effect.
Believe it or not, two days later, Leonard texted me. Clearly I should’ve been more specific about what kind of text I wanted to receive from him though because it was, in fact, a breakup text. But a text, nonetheless! I asked the higher powers of my pussy to make it happen and they did. They freaking did.
I’ll never know if Leonard texted me back because I’d manifested him via sex magick or because he saw my viral tweet about spaghetti. But ultimately, it didn’t matter. I wasn’t particularly upset that Leonard had ended our little fling.
He had become an abstraction by then, and if anything, the idea of going out with someone after you perform a masturbatory sex ritual to get them to text you back is a bit strange.
So what are my final thoughts? Well, I’m definitely not ready to give up on sex magick just yet. Your girl just bought $300 worth of crypto, so you can guess what I’ll be masturbating to next.
*Names have been changed
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