I'm terrified about aging because no man wants to date an old woman

DEAR JANE: I’ve spent $15K on plastic surgery because I’m desperate to stay young… now my friends say I look ‘fake’ and ‘plastic’ but I think they’re JEALOUS! Top author Jane Green gives frank advice on the beauty of aging gracefully

  • In this week’s agony aunt column, Jane answers a question from a 47-year-old woman who is terrified of aging, because she thinks it will ruin her dating life 
  • She also gives advice to a woman who has identified as a lesbian for more than a decade but is struggling with her sexuality after falling for a man  
  • Do you have a question for Jane? Email [email protected] or ask it below 

Dear Jane,

I have been single for a large part of my life. It’s never been an issue, I don’t mind being single, and I’ve always been quite successful on the dating scene. 

But being single at my age (47) means that I have to go the extra mile in order to stay looking my best. No man wants a woman who has let herself go. So, over the past few years, I’ve spent about $15,000 on Botox and other cosmetic procedures. Nothing surgical, just a few treatments, filler here and there, and so on.

Now, I am considering going under the knife for a breast lift, face lift, and some liposuction. But when I opened up to my friends about my desire to do so, they began voicing serious concerns – telling me that I already look ‘plastic’ and ‘fake’, and that I’ve pretty much become unrecognizable. 

I can’t help but think that at least some of their opinions come from a place of jealousy.

What man is going to want to date a woman who actually looks her age? And what woman wants to look in the mirror and see wrinkles and lines and sagging skin when she has the power to do something about it?

I certainly don’t want to look like a ridiculous Barbie doll – but I also don’t want to look like a sad old woman left alone because she didn’t look after herself.

From, Life in Plastic

Dear Jane, I am spending a fortune on Botox and plastic surgery because I fear no man will want me if I look old… but now my friends say I look too ‘fake’ and ‘plastic’  

Dear Life in Plastic,

You say that no man wants a woman who has let herself go, but there is a very big difference between aging naturally and taking care of yourself, and opting for plastic surgery. In fact, the vast majority of men infinitely prefer the natural look. 

Honestly, I’m trying to think of anyone I know who prefers a trout pout, unnaturally filled cheekbones and a brow that is sky-high, and I can’t think of one decent man who would choose that.

International best-selling author offers sage advice on DailyMail.com readers’ most burning issues in her weekly Dear Jane agony aunt column

I’m not anti-plastic surgery, but I am asking you to question your own sense of worth. Turning yourself into an Instagram-ready carbon copy of a million other women, is not going to make you happier. 

What is going to make you happier is coming to terms with your age (which is really not very old), and embracing your differences.

I say this as someone who spent many, many years trying to fit in because I didn’t feel good enough. I wasn’t thin enough, pretty enough, or clever enough, so even though I didn’t go down a big plastic surgery rabbit hole, it was exhausting constantly trying to keep up. 

I shopped at the right shops, wore the right shoes, and felt like I was always pretending to be someone. It wasn’t until I turned 50 that I decided I had to figure out who I was, and stop trying to be like everyone else, and five years later, I have never been happier.

And so, Life in Plastic, I would say start focusing on what makes you feel good, and stop focusing on looks. As to what man would want a woman who looks her age, I would say the right kind of man. Men who gravitate towards the model-type trophy wife are doing so because of looks rather than personality, and because of their own insecurity. 

The truth is, there will always be a younger, newer model waiting to pounce.

Listen to your friends. By all means tweak to make yourself feel better, but have you seen the people who go down this road? With tires for lips and boobs that could knock out a small country? It is indeed addictive, and I would argue dangerous. 

If your friends are already telling you that you look plastic, believe them. Look at Charlotte Rampling, Kristen Scott-Thomas, or any French actress to see how glorious it is to age gracefully. Good luck!

Dear Jane,

I’ve been an open lesbian since 16, so now at 27 it’s a big part of my identity. 

Recently, I started a new job and quickly hit it off with a co-worker as work friends. He’s good-looking, funny, charming, smart, exactly the kind of guy my straight friends would say is a great catch, but I never thought about him like that because, well, I’m a lesbian. And he knows about my sexuality and is very accepting.

However, at a work do we both attended a while ago, we’d had quite a bit to drink, and ended up back at his house where we definitely hit the point of ‘too much’ to drink. 

It was very much a ‘one thing led to another’ situation, and we ended up in his bedroom. In the morning we agreed it was a weird, one-time thing that probably shouldn’t have happened (though we both seemed to enjoy it just fine), and we’d just move on from it.

But since then, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it and him, and my fantasies have been running wild. I’ve practically been acting like an awkward schoolgirl around him because just seeing him seems to kick it all into overdrive in my mind!

Being a lesbian is such a big part of who I am, so I feel totally unprepared to deal with having a guy in my thoughts like this, and am really not sure what to do moving forward. I’d love any advice

From, Identity Crisis

Dear Jane’s Sunday Service 

I have found myself thinking this week about how short life is. We can get so caught up in the minutiae, in trying to fit in, in turning ourselves into who we think we need to be, we miss endless opportunities to be happy, and sometimes, forget to really live. 

The world can be a frightening place these days. The relative peace and order of the last few decades now feels tumultuous and uncertain. 

Which means experiment, explore, say yes; grab every opportunity for happiness that you can.

Dear Identity Crisis,

If you think of sexuality as being on a continuum, it can remove the need for labels. On one end there is black, on the other, white, and in between, many shades of grey. 

Self-identifying as one thing for most of your life doesn’t automatically rule out the shades of grey, as you are now experiencing.

And, how we self-identify when we are young, doesn’t mean we have to stay there. 

My God. If I stuck to who I thought I was at 16, I’d be a very odd goth who smoked like a chimney and had terrible hair. As we grow, we are allowed to change. And if the friends who accepted us one way can’t accept us another way, they were not perhaps true friends to begin with.

The beauty of life is we get to decide, at any given moment, who we are, and who we love. 

And I would argue that when you fall somewhere along the continuum of sexuality, you get to fall in love with the person, not the gender. 

What a fantastic world of opportunity you have! Ignore the labels. You don’t have to be a lesbian, you have to be you, and the important thing is that you love, not who you love.

Wishing you much luck and joy on your journey.

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