My lover is demanding thousands – or he'll tell my husband about our affair

DEAR DEIDRE: MY lover is blackmailing me. He says that if I don’t give him tens of thousands of pounds, then he will tell my husband about our affair.

I’m 48 and have been married for 20 years to a man of 50. We have teenage twin sons.


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Although most of my marriage has been good, we’ve had problems for the past few years.

I feel my husband takes me for granted and I’m more like his mum, than his wife. Our sex life is dead.

Two years ago, an old university friend, who is 47, contacted me via Facebook. We started chatting and agreed to meet up.

He pursued me, making me feel attractive and desirable again, and we soon started a full-blown affair. He is also married.

I knew it was wrong and tried to end things several times, but we had such an amazing time together and he has a way with words, so I always went back.

Then things took a darker turn.

My lover is not in a good position financially, while I’m very comfortably off.

He started asking to borrow money, first small sums, then larger — thousands of pounds.

I told him I didn’t feel comfortable doing this behind my husband’s back, but he made me feel pressured.

When I broke down over this, he didn’t seem to care how upset I was.

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I’ve already given him £15,000 but he keeps asking for more and more, and has hinted that if I say no, my husband will somehow find out about us.

Now I’m feeling trapped.

Even if he doesn’t tell, I know that if I walk away I’ll never get the money back, and I don’t know how I’ll explain its disappearance to my husband.

I feel ill with guilt and anxiety.

DEIDRE SAYS: This man pursued you. He’s a manipulative player – and he’s dangerous. He seems to have no empathy or conscience.

If you carry on in this relationship, things will only get worse. You need to end it.

Remember, he’s married too, so he has as much to lose as you.

Tell him the affair is over. Be firm with him. Block him on social media, on your phone and email.

If he gets nasty and says he’ll tell your husband, tell him you’re going to the police. Blackmail is against the law.

Think about confessing all to your husband. If you come clean, your lover will lose any hold he has over you.

It might be helpful to have some counselling. You may also be able to get help from the Suzy Lamplugh Trust (0808 802 0300, suzylamplugh.org).

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