InLalalaletmeexplain's hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems.

With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers. Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru.

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Dear Lala,

My boyfriend of three months (perfect relationship, on the same page about everything, never argued) woke up one day and didn’t want to be with me anymore. He essentially ghosted me for two days and then texted saying he wasn’t ‘feeling it’ anymore and then continued to ghost. I am so shocked.

We saw each other once or twice a week, we were exclusive after date one because we just hit it off so well. We even met each other’s families. We had our first TINY argument, but we got over it, and then next thing I know he’s gone. No explanation.

I’ve begged for a face-to-face conversation to get closure and move on, but he just ignores me. I know you’re probably thinking block, delete, move on, but I just feel like I can’t get past this without an explanation. I don’t actually miss him as a person, I just feel violated because he changed my life with a click of his fingers and then disappeared. I’m not bothered about the relationship ending, I’m bothered about the way he did it. Any advice please?

Lala says…

I’m not surprised that you feel bothered by this callous behaviour. It’s cruel, selfish, and unkind. It’s hard to deal with an unexpected break up at the best of times, but when you’re left without an explanation it’s ten times harder. Especially because our brains tend to want to fill in the gaps and answer the unanswered questions for ourselves, and very often that leads us to self-blame. We wonder what we are lacking or what’s so awful about us that drove them to behave in such a horrible way. Ghosting is an awful thing to do to anyone, even after only one date, but after three months he really owed you better than that.

Though you deserve answers you’ll probably never get them, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t move on. You can get closure all by yourself by accepting that the relationship was not meant to last any longer than it did, and by reminding yourself that his treatment of you is a reflection of him not you. Accept that it’s over and that the reason why doesn’t make a difference to you being able to move on. The issue is his. A short block of counselling might help if you feel stuck in your sadness.

People ghost or unexpectedly exit a relationship suddenly for a multitude of reasons. There are literally 20 million potential reasons why someone might disappear in this way, which is why there is little point in speculating, and even less point in internalising it and worrying that it’s something to do with your looks, personality, or bedroom skills.

If I were forced to put a bet on why he did this, my most educated guess would be that he panicked. The relationship did appear to move very fast, exclusivity after date one is pretty speedy by anyone’s standards. It sounds like it was a whirlwind and that you committed to each other long before you actually knew each other. I don’t doubt that he would have very much been leading, or at least actively participating in how fast things were moving, but I think he then may have had a realisation that it all happened too quickly, he felt suffocated, and he backed out without a word.

Either that or he’s had a mental health crash. He may be experiencing anxiety or depression and it could be making him feel unable to connect or give you what you need. Or he might have met someone else. You see how difficult it is to narrow it down? There is no point in even trying to guess, because without his explanation, none of us will ever know. Accept that you may never know, and that’s OK. Sometimes knowing makes things a lot worse. If his reason was that he suddenly realised that you look a lot like his Dad and he couldn’t shake it or if it were something that would make you feel ugly and awful would it really help to know?! His opinion of you does not define you and his reasons for ending this will not be shared by every man you meet. What he thinks of you doesn’t matter.

The fact that you don’t miss him as a person is a good indicator that this is no loss. He’s done you a favour and saved you wasting a few months on a relationship that would have probably ended soon anyway. I would recommend moving a bit more slowly in future. Take your time to get to know people before rushing into exclusivity.

Don’t keep demanding answers from him. You’ve done your best and he’s made it clear that he does not have the emotional intelligence or respect to give them to you. The only answer you need is that this is over, it’s done. He will probably come back at some point in the future, either to see if he can win you back, or because he will want you to relieve his guilty conscience by forgiving him. Ghosters are often repeat offenders so I would err on the side of caution before deciding to let him back in. As you rightly predicted, my best advice for this is to block, delete, and move on. It’s not you, it’s him.


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