DAN WOOTTON: The public dissemination of Peter Andre’s private parts thanks to the Wagatha Christie case is more than not just very funny, it’s downright hypocritical. I know all too well what it’s like to be dragged into this toxic trial
Oh, how easy it has been to laugh.
The size of Peter Andre’s manhood – speculated as anything from an acorn to a chipolata to a remote control – has become part of British water cooler conversation thanks to its inclusion in the most ill-advised court case since, well, Johnny Depp sued me a couple of years back.
It’s the centre of every meme, WhatsApp joke and Twitter banter thread known to man, thanks to the inclusion of Rebekah Vardy’s legendary 2004 News of the World kiss and tell interview about the then I’m A Celebrity star in the toxic Wagatha Christie trial, where she is suing Coleen Rooney for accusing her of leaking stories.
It’s easy to assume Pete would be able to cope with these largely good-natured taunts
Because, you know, when given the excuse to joke about a high-profile celebrity’s anatomy through the respectable veil of a High Court case, you’ve surely just got to, right?
It’s easy to assume Pete would be able to cope with these largely good-natured taunts; after all, this is a bloke whose world famous ‘eight-pack’ abs have been a key part of his appeal since his 90s Mysterious Girl fame.
Having known Pete well for many years, his happy go lucky Aussie/Brit/Greek nature often belies a more complex character, who is deeply sensitive and aware of where he stands in the public consciousness.
So today, Pete snapped.
In an emotional social media video, which he has obviously been thinking about for some time, he made it clear that the public dissemination of his private parts is more than not just very funny, it’s downright hypocritical.
Just imagine in this woke world, if Peter had dared to make the same comments about a woman’s body. Pictured, Rebekah Vardy leaves the Royal Courts of Justice in London today
Just imagine in this woke world, if Peter had dared to make the same comments about a woman’s body.
Not only would he be immediately cancelled by the social media mob, the jibes would not be allowed to ricochet far and wide across the internet.
‘Now Pete isn’t being some overly little sensitive snowflake here,’ says Dan Wootton (pictured)
As Pete explained humbly: ‘Just think how it feels that if a man, or if I had said this, about her anatomy, or a man said something about a woman’s anatomy, and made up something, whatever, I don’t know – you can use your imagination of saying something very unflattering.
‘There would be outrage, there would absolute outrage. But because it’s been said about me, it’s been the butt of all jokes, I’ve took it for 15 years.’
Now Pete isn’t being some overly little sensitive snowflake here.
He’s actually silently endured nearly 18 years of gags about his private parts without a peep in public.
He explained: ‘You know some of you are gonna go, “oh get over it, don’t say anything whatever”. You’ve got to understand, what’s even worse is it’s brought up in a High Court, and the lawyer is bringing it up… and it’s brought up again. And the only one that sits there and takes hit after hit about it is me.
‘And I just I’ll be laughing about it for a while, but think about how it would feel if it was the other way around, that’s all I’m saying. ‘
There is a wider point here about how straight men are expected to shrug off comments about their body, while being told at the same time they’re being sexist Neanderthals if they dare to compliment a woman on how they look.
I completely understand why he’s had enough with the hypocrisy around his treatment, especially now it’s being reported in national newspapers alongside the war in Ukraine.
At 49-years-old, he’s married and has children old enough to know they don’t want their dad’s bits being discussed through no fault of his own.
It also needs to be considered what Rebekah – the famed WAG of Leicester City striker Jamie Vardy – says are the circumstances surrounding the interview she sold to the News of the World, which she claims she was coerced into by her partner at the time.
As she said in court: ‘I was forced into a situation by my ex-husband to do this. It is something that I deeply regret… It is not nice to read and I understand why this is being used and to me this is mudslinging and I was also threatened with mudslinging by Rooney’s team.’
Pete also acknowledged that today in his video, which struck the right tone, as he explained Rebekah has ‘admitted that the story was made up’ and ‘she did that because her ex-husband forced her to do it’.
Now I know exactly how it feels to be dragged into this Wagatha Christie saga against your will – because today it happened to me too!
Coleen’s lawyer Desperate David Sherbourne – the same bloke who unsuccessfully represented Depp in his case against me – tried to make my cordial but professional relationship with Rebekah some sort of smoking gun that proved she’d been leaking stories to my former newspaper The Sun.
All this court case has done is renew the circus of the revelations for Coleen, Rebekah and poor Pete. Pictured, Coleen and Wayne Rooney leave the High Court today
He had previously attempted to obtain my private communications with Rebekah and her former agent Caroline Watt, which would have been a gross invasion into a journalist’s right to go about their job.
I have nothing to hide and have been open about the fact that when Coleen made her Instagram revelation that it was ‘Rebekah Vardy’s account’, I was very worried about Rebekah on a human level, given she was seven months pregnant at the time.
Rebekah has broken down in court several times because the impact of those days, where she became a punching bag for what felt like the entire country, nearly broke her.
I also found the whole situation deeply hypocritical given I know more than I would like to about the way the Rooneys have manipulated the media over the years.
So, yes, this court case was unwise, I believe, because now it’s all being dragged up again.
But I do understand why Rebekah felt the need to try and clear her name so she can finally move on, just like why I understand Pete cannot handle another day of ‘acorn vs remote’ talk.
And that’s the problem with engaging lawyers like Desperate David – a court case over these sorts of relatively minor revelations that are nothing more than tittle tattle don’t help anyone involved.
‘I let everyone have their laugh and I let everyone say what they wanted to say,’ Pete sighed, deeply frustrated in his Instagram video.
All this court case has done is renew the circus of the revelations for Coleen, Rebekah and poor Pete.
We’ve had our fun. Can’t we all make a solemn promise to never speculate on his penis in public ever again?
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