Growing up, Rachel Wright found dating a bit hard.
She’d often feel confused about getting into committed relationships – she wanted love, but she also felt a strong pull towards wanting to explore other people – romantically and sexually – at the same time.
But Rachel assumed there was something ‘wrong’ with her, and tried to forget these feelings she had – especially when sparks started to fly with Kyle, a man who worked at the same restaurant she did.
While they were on their first date, the two talked about polyamory, but decided to stay monogamous until they were both ready.
They went on to tie the knot in October 2016, and three years later, they were ready to open up their relationship.
Soon, they met Yair Lenchner and Ashley Giddens, both 36, and the foursome even got respective divorces to make one cohesive relationship.
The 34-year-old, from New York, US, said: ‘We all fit together as though we had been friends for decades.
‘We couldn’t stop talking, texting and spending time together.
‘It was a really unique experience that laid a foundation for what we have now.
‘None of us were looking for life partners, but that’s what we had found.
‘After we all fell in love, the label of “polyamorous” stuck.’
They also all took the step to get divorced so that they could form one union.
‘Our lawyer was the one who brought this idea up actually – and it was great,’ Rachel, a licensed marriage therapist said.
‘For me, non-monogamy isn’t an attitude, but an orientation. Some people experience non-monogamy as a choice and others, as the latter.
‘Kyle and I, who were together for about 11 years, had been practising non-monogamy for a little over a year-and-a-half when we met Yair and Ashley.
‘I had no intention of merging lives and families, or creating a life together, but that’s what was naturally there between us.
‘We all leaned into it. Before, I felt confused, as I knew for a long time that I was wired this way.
‘Kyle and I had discussed our hesitation around [being monogamous], so we checked back in repeatedly until it was time to pull the trigger and try it out.’
Rachel first learned about polyamory while she was at university.
She said: ‘I remember thinking: “is that me?” and it made me realise how I’d been viewing my relationships.
‘Kyle and I started reading more books about it, listening to podcasts and using the dating app, Feeld.
‘We communicated so much and I cannot begin to express the amount of additional communication and self-reflection, as well as awareness, that’s required for this to work in a healthy way.’
Ashley and Yair had been in an open relationship since they met, and started seeing Rachel and Kyle for dates.
While they all shared sexual and emotional intimacy together, Yair and Kyle didn’t get involved with each other romantically.
The foursome moved in together in November 2021 and came up with a rotation for sleeping partners, date nights and general responsibilities.
However, Kyle left the relationship at the beginning of 2023, which was a choice the group came to together.
Rachel, Yair and Ashley, who remain a throuple, are still processing this split but are excited about the future – including getting married and having kids – at the same time.
Rachel said: ‘There is a city where the three of us can get into a domestic partnership, so we’d love to do that.
‘If we can, Ashley and I both want to carry one baby, with Yair biologically fathering the kids.
‘I’m still working through the emotions of Kyle leaving.
‘While it’s the right decision for all of us, it’s incredibly hard – I love him a lot.
‘He is a very special person and I will always love him – we were best friends and partners.
‘Our families have been incredibly supportive around our relationship and breakup, even with things they didn’t fully understand.
‘There was certainly an adjustment period with non-monogamy, but they have been truly welcoming, loving and have made each of us part of the family.
‘Random strangers do comment on stuff, but people often hate things they don’t want to understand or that scare them.
‘It’s sometimes hard to read, but I’ve grown a thicker skin – I know who I am and how special my relationship is, so I don’t need to hear other people’s opinions.
‘My advice is to take a workshop, read books and follow people like me or other non-monogamous people.
‘It’s really helpful to learn about where the [concept] came from, it’s a very valid relationship design, and it’s perfect for some.
‘Monogamy isn’t the only option for true love.’
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